Is this friend just not a friend?

[Friendornot]

Things she has said:

If I had a pantry in my house like you it would be much tidier than yours. (When visiting)

hmm I wouldn’t have decorated like that

shall we tidy up? (I had just tidied up and cleaned before she got here)

says shes popping in for a coffee and turns up with a load of kids she’s babysitting (I don’t know them) one breaks my kids stuff and the others laugh about special needs kids- she doesn’t say anything to kid

also gets really odd and off with me when I spend time with any other friends

I’ve known her less than a year.

also frequently explains things to me in a patronising way

we have things in common I just feel a bit baffled by her comments

Trust your gut on this. If her plausibly deniable digs make you uncomfortable or annoyed or upset it’s not right. A friend is someone you can feel relaxed and safe around.

@LookOverHere

Exactly 💯 whole heartily agree with your good emotionally intelligent advice 👌 post👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿

Turning up with a load of kids without warning ? That’s enough for me .. see ya

You know the answer to this.
As I explain to my child ..... If someone says mean things and upsets you regularly they are not your friend and you are under no obligation to spend time with them.

I have had this too, get rid. A mom friend I met through toddler group. News items about my husbands work place making redundancies and a little laugh after it. Will he have a job. Comments about about my 4 year old child. The size of my house when pregnant with second. Got a part time job after children laughed, comments about the school of course she had chosen better. No longer in contact!

I’d distance myself, I’ve had friends like this and it never ends well

I’m guessing you are more successful than she is, or have a nicer/bigger house.
she’s jealous and thinks she’s entitled to bring round hoards of kids.
I’m guessing you probably have skills she doesn’t have (so she feels inadequate even though you don’t do anything to make her feel this way) but she does think she’s good at cleaning so she tries to use this against you to make herself feel better

My thought exactly!

An ex friend of mine was like this with me!

I moved into a new home and she said this house we cost more if it was in the area i live! As though where she lived was much more superior which it really wasnt!

she would ask when are you changing those disgusting floor tiles! Which i liked!!

she was always trying to out-do her friends and chatting about them behind their back, and it occurred to me one day she would be the same to them about me!!

then one day my own young children asked ‘why are you friends with her mummy, shes nothing like you!’ And i realised how right they were!

I'd put up with some of this from a long-standing friend, but for a new friend she doesn't sound great. Bringing badly-behaved children to your house and not controlling them suggests that she doesn't really care about your boundaries. What do you like about her that could outweigh her being patronising and critical?

You’ve known her less than a year. Can’t be difficult to let go surely

Why do you choose to spend time with someone you, quite understandably, dislike?

Urgh- I once had a friend like this. Horrible woman. I was grateful at the time that she showed an interest in me.
Then I started to notice the little digs, all in the name being helpful. We worked at the same place for a while and when she moved I reduced contact.
occasionally I see her the supermarket and I hide.
last time I bumped into her she told how tired I looked. I told her she was so rude and walked off.

Be busy when she wants to come round, and phase out the relationship.

Bye crap friend!

Have you been to hers? Maybe you should “pop in” and tell her how shit her decor is…

Get rid of her. I have had so called friends like that and am glad I no longer see them.

Are you kidding? This woman is not your friend. Time to exit the relationship pronto!

Cut all ties, it won't get any better!
I had a friend like this... Every time I came away from spending time with her, I'd feel a bit shit. It was always hard to put my finger on why or pull her up on anything because it was all small passive-agressive digs...
She'd also lie to keep the attention on her, especially if we were in a group...
She had this skill of always lending me something, or me owing her in some way.. eg she'd pay for food, or she'd buy one of my kids a gift... Reasons and excuses to keep the friendship going... In the end I had to actually say, sorry we can't be friends.
Didn't look back!

”shall we clean up?”
Give her the mop and say “off you go, l’ll watch and learn from your expertise.”

She’s not even a friend, she’s a rude imposing acquaintance.

Ditch the bitch.

I’ve had similar. Now I realise why she doesn’t have many friends, if any…

She seems to enjoy my (small) misfortune's a tad too much. jealousy gets you nowhere, what is the point?! I will be distancing myself from her.

always wants an instant reply from me, but leaves me unread for days!

This first post nails it. Not a friend. Doesn't even sound like a likeable person.

Hmmm....exactly, you don't know. You don't know her or what she was like. I only gave one instance of the terrible things she did and said. It was several years of gaslighting, bullying and nastiness towards me and my children. I also can't believe you would ever think it is ok to slag off the bride's appearance in her wedding photos or, for that matter, make unsolicited comments about a person's weight, especially when they are embarrassed about it. Her assessment of my appearance was not requested and she should have kept those thoughts to herself.
For future reference, I follow this rule and it may be helpful to you: do not offer your opinion about a person's appearance unless they are able to change the aspect you are commenting on within 5 minutes.

Reading most (if not all) of these posts it is clear that this person is not a friend to you, so in reality you didn't need to ask. A friend is someone who is supportive and caring, not undermining and can't help but make snide remarks which are neither helpful nor constructive.

The only thing I can say in defence is that I had a friend from school and we used to have a way of speaking together, that whilst to the casual observer might sound nasty, was actually just mucking around. I might have said "hey, you're looking mighty average tonight" when we were dressed up for a night out and she would reply with a cutting remark but it was just nonsense. This was a two way thing but unless you are both in on it, it can sound nasty. We had known each other since we were 5 or 6 so it was a relaxed relationship.

Perhaps this "friend" has had a similar friendship with someone else in the past and thinks it is okay to carry on like this with you. Clearly not, as it has upset you, and she should have been aware of this from the outset. Sadly some people are just so wrapped up in themselves they can't see the damage they can do to others.

As you have only known her for a relatively short time you would be better off ditching her and finding a true friend with the same values as you.

Don't invite her round and if she turns up unannounced tell her you're just on your way out. You don't sound like someone who likes conflict so being blunt and telling her you don't want to see her any more is probably a no no, but after a while she will get the message, also block her number on your phone.

Life is too short to put up with people who only drag you down just to make themselves feel better.

She doesn't sound like a friend or a nice person in general.

The older I get the more I sixth friendships like this. I have such a complicated family, I don't have time for complicated friendships. I would slowly back off