To think DDs behaviour is a little odd?

[BadLuck2023]

Hi all.

DD6 seems to struggle to make/keep friends. She seems to not know what to talk about, but when she does click with someone and invites them over after school after about 20 mins she takes a book to the bathroom and hides from them till they leave. They usually end up playing with my youngest daughter.

I've asked her why she hides and she says she has enough and needs to be alone.

Any suggestions?

Tell her hiding in a bathroom with a book when you have a guest is unacceptably rude. Surely you expect better manners than that?

I have, however she says she gets overwhelmed and needs a break. I've told her to play with her friends before and she gets distressed/frustrated with her friends. It's at the point where we don't bother inviting anyone over anymore

My DP often finds social situations a lot, he has to almost force himself into them and then feels okay most of the time. It's hard work.

I've noticed my DS whose just turned 4, can have enough if we've had people round for a long time and asks if he can go upstairs. Sounds like she could be overwhelmed.

My DP has really struggled with it and can come across moody. We seem to be in a much better place with it, but it's not been quick.

Would she cope better with a play date outside of the house - at the park / soft play?

Honestly, that's a very typical description of a person with autistic traits (Asd).
Struggling with social in-between and sort of understanding how vibrations go. The escaping and hiding is also typical. ASD people frequently do this. They suffer sociall overload and need to unwind from it , girls manifest differently to boyss. If she's very bright it's more easy to hide and Schiols don't notice. Have a chat to a gp or pref paed with a spealisation. Am ed psych may offer you guidance or the autistic society

To lots of people with a 'standard' (I dont want to use normal) brain yes it would be rude, but as some adults find they find people overwhelming so personally if she cant cope I would not encourage friends over and maybe it may help to go out and do things this way more

Sure it would be great if the whole world was simple and

Is this situation rude press 1 for yes and 2 for know and 100% of the population knows what to press to get this correct, real life is not like this

I remember my dd at age 4 being able to cope just 45 mins into any sort of interaction with friends. She was then mardy and tired.

My friends dd is 6 now as is my son..when all 4 kids get together my friends little girl will just do her own thing at the park. She doesnt really engage much.

I think its normal. Some people including me like quiet time.

I don't have ASD but at that sort of age and older I found friends too much. I'm an only child though and liked my own company. I appreciate she isn't an OC, but she may just be similar, it may not be down to being ND. Some people just appreciate their own company and find entertaining others a bit much after a while.

Both of mine did this ( ds now 21 and dd now 13 ) and they’re both autistic. I’m not suggesting your dd is but your post resonated with me a lot.

my dd especially used to do this even with her then best friend and it was awkward at times so we used to plan play dates to go out somewhere instead ie soft play or trampolining.

when she got older I asked her why she was like this and she said she was overwhelmed, she didn’t like anyone else in her safe space and she liked being alone after school but still I would get asked for play dates. She liked the idea or them I think but really struggled with the execution.

ds would literally go upstairs and leave his friend with me! They weren’t diagnosed until 8 (ds) and 12 (dd)

My son used to do this, wanted friends to play but unsure what to do with them after a while. He found childrens parties hard and was very sensitive. He's NT and very sociable now, became more confident as a teen. Taking them to the park or doing an activity with them might help. I wouldn't worry about it too much at this stage.

I wonder if a planned activity with a set end time might work better than play dates at home so an hour at the softplay or whatever. She might also find it easier to do a set activity rather just entertaining someone if she finds that tricky.

I wonder if it's worth speaking to the GP. She struggles massively with change. If there's a substitute teacher in its a big problem for her, a huge anxiety attack. She also really struggles with maths, it has to be broken down really simply. For example, her uncle was trying to teach her that division is the opposite of multiplication, so if the sum was 9÷3 she would go 3x9

I would say it’s rude regardless and question why you think it’s not. It might be understandable but it’s still rude and deeply unpleasant for the poor friend visiting. Rather than not bothering to invite people round @BadLuck2023 i would suggest that you need much more scaffolding in place to support your child to behave appropriately. You could start by explaining that if she can’t be kind to her friends and look after them in her home then play dates at home aren’t an option.

@BadLuck2023 if your gut is telling you something, I'd listen and speak to the GP. My dd is also completely overwhelmed at her friends being in her space, she wants them to go home. Hates change. She is also autistic.

Might be worth considering Auditory Processing Disorder, it's well known that kids with it struggle with maths and sequencing. My DD was diagnosed at 9, she struggled with friends as when the play was noisy, she just couldn't focus and would want to take herself away, even a bouncing ball would make her struggle.

I used to do this. At least one of my kids has ASD, the other is being assessed currently. Worth checking out.

I was much happier socialising in a park, or somewhere where I could easily get away if I wanted to. I was also happier going to someone else's house, as I sort of knew I couldn't hide then. This worked well for me, as my best friend was very anxious and preferred to be at her house.

I'm perfectly sociable now, although I do sometimes want people to leave by half nine so I can go to bed 🤣

She's only six, and whilst it is rude for an older child (or adult!) to invite people over and subsequently ignore them, at six she doesn't have the forward planning to predict how she will feel half an hour in, so the answer is to not allow that situation to occur.

If you think about social evolution, play dates are a very new phenomenon. Previously children played in groups outside and the ones who needed a break could just wander off for a bit - now they are forced to play host at an early age.

All parents should be mindful of SEN but also it is important not to rush to assumptions based on what could be personality preferences (in this case for time alone).

My son has autism and would just get into bed when he’d had enough, we rarely do any kind of play dates because he hates people touching his stuff and once’s he had enough of playing he switches and becomes with withdrawn

It's not working out for her having a play date immediately after school. Why don't you only arrange play dates at the weekends or in the holidays?

It only took a few minutes!

Gently, if this is an ongoing occurrence, then yes, I think it's time for a chat with the GP.

It could be that the friends she's inviting aren't really the people she wants to spend time with- does she decide who comes?

It could be she's bored- see above

It could be she's genuinely tired- how long are the playdates? When are they?

It could be that they've had a fall out while playing and she's stropped off rudely, leaving her friend alone.- she needs to learn that this is beyond rude however old she is.

It could be the whole "playdate" event thing is too much. "can X come round and play" is less official and has less pressure to perform attached to it

But if it happens most times there's a playdate, then I'd start by finding out from school how she interacts with others. Does she actively want the playdate? Ask for it?

Strop inviting people over
home should be a safe space

she’s only six - learning about commutative numbers would be a struggle for most six year olds!

Because a child not coping with the presence of another child and taking themselves off to a quiet place with no sensory overload is literally ASD traits for Beginners.

How do you not know that?

How the OP describes her daughter I'd say there's definitely a possibility that she's ND. I don't see what the issue is with this poster pointing it out, it's the first thing I thought of and certainly with the updates the OP has given it seems even more likely.

@TomeTome I'm guessing you have zero experience of ASD?

I actually think you should be proud of her for finding her own coping strategies! Maybe it’s time to stop inviting friends to the house for now as she isn’t coping.

have a word with school see if they have noticed anything