To think DDs behaviour is a little odd?

[BadLuck2023]

Hi all.

DD6 seems to struggle to make/keep friends. She seems to not know what to talk about, but when she does click with someone and invites them over after school after about 20 mins she takes a book to the bathroom and hides from them till they leave. They usually end up playing with my youngest daughter.

I've asked her why she hides and she says she has enough and needs to be alone.

Any suggestions?

I was going to suggest this, my daughter was diagnosed at 8.

Could you try a play date on a weekend day when there is less other stuff going on? She might manage an hour if there are no other things that she has to do socially for the day?

she is young, perhaps she needs help to play, structure and ideas. involve yourself, or at least her sister

“Struggle to make/keep friends … She seems to not know what to talk about … She gets distressed/frustrated with her friends.”

Is the distress because they don't behave in predictable ways, seem to somehow understand better what’s happening or just don't play by the rules?

“After about 20 mins she takes a book to the bathroom and hides from them till they leave…She says she gets overwhelmed and needs a break… She says she has enough and needs to be alone.”

It may be exhausting for her trying to conform to behaving in ways she doesn't understand. Her energy is drained, and she needs to recover.

“She struggles massively with change … a huge anxiety attack… she also really struggles with maths”

Sounds like this one is a teacher capability issue.

Everything you've said here suggests she is ND (sorry to those who react to this suggestion) and not getting the support she needs. It must be like trying to communicate in a difficult other language where the grammar is incomprehensible.

Take a look at the Tell me you have a neurodiverse child thread - the struggle with change causing anxiety is so often described

She needs professional help and support, not being criticised for being rude. And you need help, too.

My Dd was like this. Including hiding from friends.

Shes ASD and ADHD.

Your dd sounds both. Change, anxiety and overwhelm. Struggling to understand subjects.

Happily most parents still accompany their children for playdates at 6 round here unless they know the family well, so if this happened I would be able to suggest the playdate wasn't working and leave with my child.

OP, I disagree that you need entirely to abandon playdates at home but you do need to think about how everyone's different needs can be balanced. Firstly, ask your DD if she wants playdates at home. If she doesn't, the simple solution is not to have them. Then I would consider inviting more than one child at a time, so the invitees can play with each other if your DD has had enough, or asking parents to stay and warning them that the playdate might be cut short.

If you gave me the heads-up that your DD wanted playdates but found them hard going, I'd be more than happy to drop in with my DC for a coffee for 20 minutes on the way to doing some other activity and you may find that other parents are the same.

And what about the children being used as guinea pigs so the daughter can practice having social interactions? Who's looking out for their best interests?

DD would do similar at that age. Finally diagnosed with ASD at 13 after having alienated a lot of friends. She's 17 and now will go out, but arrange to be collected after an hour or so. If she doesn't have a get out/end point, she just won't go. She'll get up and leave when she wants, she doesn't care if it's socially unacceptable because now she's got a diagnosis she will tell people she's being autistic not rude.

It's refreshing.

We had a small party for DS this weekend for turning 9. Whilst the other kids aged 2-8 ran around playing together he sat reading. At my nieces party he went in and watched telly / read. This is why we don't do proper parties. At school he has friends but no "secure" friendships. He spends playtimes in the book corner. He talks AT people not to them, about the stuff that interests them. We had an ASD diagnosis two years ago.

Op I'd speak to school and GP but girls are generally better at masking so don't be surprised of school don't see anything

Isn’t all social interaction at that age about being guinea pigs?

She could just be a big introvert. Although no way does this excuse rudeness.

One way would be to arrange short meetings. How about in the park where other children are around? Then get her used to being sociable for longer. She's still only little.

How old is she? How was this being explained? Using concrete materials? Inverse is a tricky concept.

Also, speak to school first. Ask for a meeting with the SENCO. The GPs do very little in reality for learning needs.

Keep it brief, then and don't have someone over. Perhaps go and play in the park after school but take her home when she's had enough.

I wouldn't want a child of mine being invited round to a 'friend's' house in order to fulfil a role in a learning experiment which could involve them being left alone with no one to play with while the supervising parent looked after the child the experiment had been set up to 'help'. I think a visiting child is often already under slight stress — out of their home environment, out of contact with her/his parents, unsure about what they're allowed to ask or do. Throwing them into a situation where the other child may go off for time out, or being expected to cope with unexpected or challenging behaviours, can be hard — more so in a strange house than at home.

Totally this! And has probably been taught manners and won’t want to express that she feels sad and uncomfortable because her host ‘friend’ has decided to bugger off and leave her on her own. I wouldn’t be sending my child back.
ways round this: organise some quiet activities (painting, craft etc) or meet at an outside venue.

I agree. The OP's child is in their own familiar territory with a parent present. At the very least, the OP should suggest that the visiting child's parent stays so that they have someone to advocate for their needs. OP can meet her own child's needs but those of the visiting child shouldn't be ignored.

My autistic daughter is now 10 and has always needed some support during play dates - she doesn't necessarily go and hide (though has been known to when dysregulated) but I had to be pretty hands on when she was 6 - we often made and decorated cupcakes or did a structured craft activity. As well as meeting at the playground or similar active place. Her longer standing friends are almost all also friends with her younger sister (close in age and younger one not autistic and very friendly).

I also still make sure playdates are short and sweet apart from for her very closest friends who know her (and the rest of us) well and I know they can cope longer with each other!

A few things - try to talk and be open. It's easy to say 'that's rude make her stay with the friend' but that will increase anxiety or feelings of 'being abnormal'

Perhaps you can come up with a plan for if she's feeling overwhelmed - she can signal to you and you have a half hour of TV or a movie and popcorn? Or she takes 5 minutes space every half hour and you both know it's coming so you can cover 5 mins with her friend.

Speaking to a GP or the school about times when she is overwhelmed/needs space/disliking change to routine/anxiety is a good idea.

I can only speak of my experience but I was 'forced' when overwhelmed to still participate and became increasingly anxious and lacking in confidence as a child, a great deal of anxiety and depression as an adult. It can be really tough to have people tell you to get on with it or push you to do things you don't feel comfortable with/make you feel an alien when you may already feel that way.

Accepting there is a struggle and discussing what might help openly, finding options which can make things more comfortable is a lot kinder in approach. I had a bad period of anxiety very young and remember being told that if I struggle I can signal and leave/take time in the car. Knowing I had the option to escape without being forced into continuing slowly helped me to feel more comfortable to stay in situations for longer, it made a big difference saying what I needed/having an escape for a period then returning instead of being kept kicking and screaming internally in situations I was struggling in - it would eventually make me feel sick or faint!

She has really mature coping mechanisms for her age, most kids in that situation would just fall out with their friends and not be able to explain why they acted out. I would get her seen though and make sure you're in situations where she can "escape" if she needs.

Tbf that doesn’t sound like a very clear mathematical explanation. OP I used to to this - I am not autistic I just didn’t have much to say to a friend after 20 mins 1:1 aged 6 and loved reading. You could keep play dates short? Also maybe have something like getting tea ready ‘to do’ so it’s not as intense as a play date where you have to play and chat.