To think DDs behaviour is a little odd?

[BadLuck2023]

Hi all.

DD6 seems to struggle to make/keep friends. She seems to not know what to talk about, but when she does click with someone and invites them over after school after about 20 mins she takes a book to the bathroom and hides from them till they leave. They usually end up playing with my youngest daughter.

I've asked her why she hides and she says she has enough and needs to be alone.

Any suggestions?

@MaryMaryVeryContrary it only took a few minutes for good reason. I'm autistic and what OP describes is so incredibly familiar.

Obviously it's not something I do as an adult but it was a regular occurrence when I was six. I couldn't cope but didn't know how to say that out loud.

@Mamai100 you’d be guessing wrong. Not everyone who disagrees with you is ignorant.

This is terrible advice. If she is feeling overwhelmed and has found a way to cope with that, then what you suggest will 1. Shame her for her social difficulties 2. Either force her to become overwhelmed which will probably lead to an anxiety attack/meltdown/shutdown and negative associations with socialising or stop her from being able to have social interactions which means she won't learn how to manage them/get used to them.

OP, if she can only manage 20 minutes I would limit social interactions to that time to allow her to have success. Think with her about what else makes it easier/harder. More structured activities or more scaffolding (in the form of you leading/modelling play) might help as well.

I was exactly like this at 6, I wanted to have friends but I got easily overwhelmed and would hide away ( even at 9/10 yrs old! ) I also could understand maths at all.
My mum would gently encourage me and let me find my own way to deal with other children.
I am not ND, just introverted and anxious 🤷‍♀️

Thinking about it I do still do similar, if I am out and feel myself getting overwhelmed I will excuse myself to go to the toilet just to give myself 5 minutes to try to regulate myself.

If the way you cope with feeling overwhelmed is unkind and rude then it’s your parents job to help you find a better way. Honestly if you can’t teach your child without shaming them or manage the situations they are exposed to so they aren’t overwhelmed at 6 then when exactly are you planning to step up and put in the support? It sounds like the majority of the work to enable this child to have play dates is falling on her siblings shoulders.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary and @TomeTome

It may come as a surprise - but there are lots of people out there with neurodiverse brains. Just because you may not like it, doesn't mean that this doesn't exist.

Try having some imagination and empathy - as that would really help.

Another one saying it could be Autism. Look at common traits in girls- I looked at old threads on here.

I used to be a bit like this. Not quite so extreme, but at a sleepover for example would just want to read magazines. I'm quite introverted and get burnt out with too much socialising. NT as far as I'm aware. Possibly ND and never been diagnosed I guess. Happily married and still not super sociable with a few good friends.

Six is quite young. Some six year olds are quite emotionally and socially immature. I didn't really have friends until I was about ten. My sister jokes she should have organised my hen party in a library.

This - seen it in play dates my children went to where the host hid in a room and closed door and my DC found themselves playing with a sibling instead. Also seen the problem making friendship connections in my own DCs when younger (diagnosed ASD in their teens).

Best to obtain a diagnosis now (if ASD is the root cause, an ed psych will interpret better than us MNers) as the earlier you have support in place, the better prepared they are for adult life. Mine are very different, and one embraces his ASD and has lots of friends and a positive outlook - just needs considerable down time after school trips/parties/etc and would still rather not have them come to his home/safe space; the other 19 struggles hugely but is finding that it’s okay just to have a few very good friends who accept her the way she is.

Either as PP said playdates need to be out of home or no playdates. It’s rude!

My DD is like this. She's a bit older now so knows it's rude to hide from a friend but she will just start doing her own thing. Reading or colouring. I remembered that I also largely hated playdates and they gave me extreme anxiety.We are introverts. Some people are and believe it or not don't like socialising beyond their limits for it. We can socialise when we want to but largely prefer our own company. Now there may be more to it with your DD but there may not. I'm sick of every thread about girls who aren't perfect model social butterfly princesses being automatically labelled as having ASD on MN. Start with speaking to class teacher.

Wow the ignorance and ableist attitudes are rife. My ten year old and his friends are well able to navigate one of their friends that needs to take himself off for a little chill. Ten year olds who have navigated this since 4. Ye might want to have a chat with one they will explain about how different people process and that accommodation isn't rudeness.

@BadLuck2023 your daughter sounds like she has really clear boundaries and has found a coping mechanism. Whatever is in her future I would envisage it to be bright. That level of insight is rare in one so young.

She may be ND, or she may be an introvert personality. Given the time lines of assessment I read about I would enquire how to access to one now.

At the very least it may identify some useful resources to support her. And she will hopefully have lovely friends like my sons friend. He knows he can have a chill in the cats room and that they wll take each other as they find.

Sensory overload
neurodiverse traits or google infant reflexes not going dormant

While people are congratulating one child on their ‘coping’ mechanism, I feel sorry for the kid who has been invited on a play date and also left to ‘cope’ in an unfamiliar family’s house. Just because she’s not meaning it to be rude doesn’t mean it isn’t.

It may come as a surprise to you that you can “know about neurodiverse brains” (neurodiversity?) and have different ideas about how to support that, or do you lack the imagination and empathy to see that? Not everyone who disagrees with you does so through ignorance.

OP, I have a cousin who, when he was a child from around the age of 4, would visit us with his parents, play with my siblings and me for a bit and then insist on going home. The first couple of times my aunt and uncle tried to persuade him that they'd only just arrived (an hour's journey) and wanted to stay longer, but he grew increasingly upset and ended up having a meltdown, so they would go home after half an hour or so. This was repeated a few times until the visits stopped. My cousin was diagnosed with ASD and a number of other learning disabilities a couple of years later, aged around seven or eight.

I'm not saying that your child is ND, but certain aspects of your post sounded familiar to me.

But that’s why the parents need to listen to what their child is telling them (through behaviour) and change how meet ups are done to ensure their child isn’t overwhelmed and another child isn’t made to feel unwelcome.

arrange to meet with a few others in a park or something which means you can leave when she has had enough with no impact on the friends.

Yes, it can be very confusing and upsetting for the child who's been invited round and then abandoned in a strange house, away from its family. Too often the message is seeping through that if people are NT their feelings don't count. But they do.

It's not just the friends thing though is it? The OP has also said she struggles massively with change which is also very typical of ASD.

Mine was the same OP, he was diagnosed with ASD aged 10. Around secondary school age the gap tends to widen and it often becomes more obvious. At secondary school the library was his sanctuary.

The child hasn't just been left to cope though, they just play with the younger sister from what the OP has said. Why are you making a drama where there is none?

When are you doing playdates? If after school she may need some quiet time. I'd try weekends and in the park which is less intense

Hold on — what if there wasn't a younger sister? I can remember being invited to go and play for the morning at the home of my mum's newly-moved-in colleague. Her daughter, it turned out, had no interest in me and disappeared from the living room where we were playing not long after I arrived. Turned out she'd gone down the garden to the shed where they kept a rabbit. Her mother, busy decorating one of the bedrooms, said the daughter would come back shortly. I spent a couple of hours not sure what to do — whether to go home (but would that be rude?), whether I could put the radio on for something to listen to (rude? too noisy? cheeky?) whether I was allowed to play with some of the games or read some of the books (what if I lost or broke something?) In the end I sat and read a book I found, Forever Amber, which turned out to be rather racy — so I was also worried that I'd be caught reading something I shouldn't be reading. It was a really stressful morning for a kid who'd been brought up to be polite and no trouble. My mum was really shocked when I told her what had happened.

most kids have a limit for play dates but their behaviour gets horrific rather than they know to take herself away so kudos to her on that. Surely just teach her to say ‘excuse me I’m a bit tired and would like to sit and read my book quietly for 15 minutes’. And maybe start play dates with ‘we’ll play for a bit then have a snack and some downtime’.

we often do all afternoon play dates that are far too long, the kids all end up screaming and we go to the local park for some fresh air and a change of scenery then come back to the house for a meal.