To want my MIL to take a back seat & allow her son to be happy

[1011y]

In short, my fiancé came here 7 years ago to work with the short term plan of working and then returning back to his home country of Norway. He met me 2 years in to his work placement and decided to stay here in the UK to be with me.

In the early days and since I have tried to make an effort with his family in various ways, such as learning the language and other forms. This has always been rejected by his family as they feel they don’t know me and that I am a stranger who has forced their way into the family. They see me as the barrier in him going back home to Norway.

He is struggling with being homesick and missing his home country. We don’t have the option to move there, or visit more due to his work being so demanding. They also won’t visit here and have refused to support his choices. This causes him a huge amount of pain but what’s worse is whenever they speak to my fiancé they play on his emotions and say things like “we would all be so happier if you came home” “you are such a different person now” “don’t forget your Norwegian roots” “don’t forget who you are” .. and so many others which chip away at his mental health. This of course hurts him no end and is making it incredibly difficult to settle and be happy here, understandably. No matter what I do to try and make him feel happier here he still feels such a huge void as they are so unsupportive and cause problems for us. If he goes a length of time without speaking to them his mood lifts, he is happier, settled and enjoying life with our little baby.

We have a little boy who is 4 months old and this worsened matters as they have now started chipping away regards to him and how he is not being raised “Norwegian” in a Norwegian culture.

His father is poorly and more recently my MIL is bringing him into it too with things like “your dad misses you he get so upset that you don’t live here and we’re not closer” (his dad is not able to voice his own feelings due to illness)

Am I doomed here for a separated family?, what can I do, I have tried my dammed hardest to create a happy home but every time the phone rings and she starts with the comments his mood drops a mile and the “homesickness” starts all over again.

I have tried to ask him to talk to her regards this and ask her to stop but Norwegian culture simply doesn’t do conflict and is very open speaking. So he tells me this isn’t a Norwegian way of addressing things. He isn’t mentally resilient enough to have a blowup or consider cutting them out.

I have tried everything and anything to make him feel happier and feel more in touch with his culture. Overall and without her interference he is happy and content however we’re living in a vicious circle I can’t seem to get out of.

AIBU by wanting my MIL to stop with the narrative in his ear to let him just live the life he’s chosen for himself?

This is never going to work out well whilst your fiancé can't tell his family that they are going to have to learn to live with his choice. He needs to be able to ask them not to continue with this emotional blackmail or he will have to reduce contact further. Surely as his family, they should be putting his happiness above their own even if it hurts. Perhaps he would benefit from some sort of counselling to help him put boundaries in place.

Why is moving back there not an option - do his family understand that?

My husband is also Norwegian and he's had plenty of blow ups with my MIL lmao so I'm inclined to believe he's using "Norwegian culture" as an excuse to not set proper boundaries with his mother.

It's hard living in a country that isn't your own, but he's made his choice and has had a child here so it's honestly about time he told his family to like it or lump it. He has a baby, a soon to be wife. Time for him to also find a spine and tell his mum and wider family she/they can either be happy for him or not, but she's not going to change his mind and summon him back to Norway and if she continues to try by guilting him he'll lower contact with her.

100%

His family would rather make him miserable and mentally unwell instead of accepting his decision to live a life with you in a different country? What horrible parents!

If he could would he move back, as was his original plan?

I have a Swedish husband and his mother and father tried everything to undermine our relationship initially. The emotional blackmail and criticism of me were off the charts. I feel your pain.

I'm sorry but he isn't putting you or his child first. His family have basically rejected his you and also a little baby.

Maybe it isn't their 'culture' to conflict, but that doesn't mean you have to quietly abide abuse at yours and your little boys expense.

Maybe write his family a letter together. Then after that for me it'll be ultimatum time I'm afraid. Either he speaks up to his family, or you will walk away.

His family expect him to move back and leave his own child?

And he's happy for you to put up with this?

He needs to grow a pair of bollocks.

You were utterly mad for settling down with him when he shows you so little consideration regarding his family.

I don’t know if any relationship that works well when the in-laws so utterly reject the partner.

He’s not willing to put you and the family you’ve created first so yes - unless he sorts his shit out - the relationship is doomed.

He needs to grow up and stop relying on mummy for his mental wellbeing.

Some boundaries would help.

Maybe some counselling will help him work through the feeling and enable him to stand up for himself and his own family.

I mean what does she want? For him to abandon his child??

Actually that's the question he should ask her, does she want him to abandon his child.

She'll say no

Then he can ask what she actually wants?

Personally I wouldn't try and negotiate out of it, I'd just tell them.

It is a very different culture. Would they be open to you going without him if he can't get out of work? Then you could maybe start a relationship with them? Your son also has the right to know his identity.

In laws wouldn’t entertain me on my own going, albeit I would love it for my son to know his roots. They class me as a stranger unfortunately. I agree boundaries would be a great help, I’ll try to work with him to set some. Hopefully we can make it work out!

Why are you putting up with your fiancé allowing his partner and child to be subject to abuse?

This is all about boundaries. Your fiancé may benefit from therapy so that he can establish his own boundaries with his family and live a happy adult life.

You may find this site helpful (it's helped me with establishing my own boundaries and stopping my people-pleasing behaviour over the years):

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-are-allowed-to-have-boundaries-with-family/

Bottom line is: you/he can't change or control your MIL's behaviour. You can only control your own behaviour. This means setting your own boundaries for your/his relationship with his family.

Best of luck OP.

Thank you, this is so helpful.

Sorry but I think the relationship is doomed. The Norwegian and Swedish cultures (not so much the Danish) are very insular, rather self absorbed and quietly hostile to outsiders. I think your DH will eventually move back.

This afraid. This is not you - this is on him and he needs to deal with it and get counselling for him.

My ex in-laws hated me (different religion) they could not accept it eventually they chipped away and it was far easier to blame me and give me and our children all the grief. So we divorced. I thankfully have no contact and the family have very little contact with the children so it was all for nothing. Ask him to ensure all calls go to his mobile etc

I agree with this . Your partner needs to grow a backbone and tell his family that he has made his choices and is happy where he is so they can get on board with that or butt out . If he can’t / won’t do that then nothing will change and I personally wouldn’t carry on with that relationship because you will spend forever propping him up and when one or both of his parents die it will be all your fault that you separated him from them . You need to have a very difficult conversation and sort this out now .

Frankly speaking your partner is choosing his parents over you and your son. This is doomed.

You seem to see your H as a bit of an empty vessel, passively being filled with emotion from either his family or yourself. They can't make him homesick if he is otherwise happy here, and you can't make him entirely happy here if he has a pull to his family and country of birth. He needs to take responsibility for his own feelings and choices, and you need to allow him to. You can't control how his mother speaks with him, and continuing to try is simply going to reinforce her view that you are pulling him away. He's a grown man who needs to balance this conflict within himself. All you can do is carry on as you are, offer sympathy and compromise if you feel its justified, and otherwise leave them to it.

From the other side op, not the same thing Because we moved within Ireland but I live rurally and for years was so upset and homesick. Dh and in laws used to hate my family talking about getting me back to Dublin but it was because I’d ask about different things I was missing and saying if I won the lottery we’d be coming back. In the same way (but obviously a bigger scale) I have two friends abroad that say the same thing- if they could get back to Ireland they would but their other halfs can’t get jobs and they can’t afford houses. Your dh is homesick, your ils might be adding fuel to the fire but I think you need to discuss how strongly he feels. I’m still the same, I get a yearning when I go home. Lottery win I’d be gone and dh would be where I was/ am

He’s not willing to put you and the family you’ve created first so yes - unless he sorts his shit out - the relationship is doomed.
eh he moved country- on what planet is this not putting his partner and child first?! Is it always that one has to concede in every single way?!

How would they feel towards you if you were married? Are you the barrier to him returning? Does he honestly want to live in the UK permanently? I'd give Norway a go if possible tbh.

What sort of work does he do? And will they accept you once you are married? Where are you getting married and what sort of ceremony?

It is really important that you both learn to put your own family unit first and they your fiancé feels some (joint) ownership of that decision. The North Sea is always going to exist between you and one set of grandparents and (his work aside) moving there would be impossible for you if his family exclude you. It would help if he asked for his family to accept you: love you as the mother of their grandson, appreciate your efforts to learn their language and participate in their culture. He also needs to pull his socks up for his son and stop moping about. I’m sure moping isn’t very ‘Norwegian’.