To want my MIL to take a back seat & allow her son to be happy

[1011y]

In short, my fiancé came here 7 years ago to work with the short term plan of working and then returning back to his home country of Norway. He met me 2 years in to his work placement and decided to stay here in the UK to be with me.

In the early days and since I have tried to make an effort with his family in various ways, such as learning the language and other forms. This has always been rejected by his family as they feel they don’t know me and that I am a stranger who has forced their way into the family. They see me as the barrier in him going back home to Norway.

He is struggling with being homesick and missing his home country. We don’t have the option to move there, or visit more due to his work being so demanding. They also won’t visit here and have refused to support his choices. This causes him a huge amount of pain but what’s worse is whenever they speak to my fiancé they play on his emotions and say things like “we would all be so happier if you came home” “you are such a different person now” “don’t forget your Norwegian roots” “don’t forget who you are” .. and so many others which chip away at his mental health. This of course hurts him no end and is making it incredibly difficult to settle and be happy here, understandably. No matter what I do to try and make him feel happier here he still feels such a huge void as they are so unsupportive and cause problems for us. If he goes a length of time without speaking to them his mood lifts, he is happier, settled and enjoying life with our little baby.

We have a little boy who is 4 months old and this worsened matters as they have now started chipping away regards to him and how he is not being raised “Norwegian” in a Norwegian culture.

His father is poorly and more recently my MIL is bringing him into it too with things like “your dad misses you he get so upset that you don’t live here and we’re not closer” (his dad is not able to voice his own feelings due to illness)

Am I doomed here for a separated family?, what can I do, I have tried my dammed hardest to create a happy home but every time the phone rings and she starts with the comments his mood drops a mile and the “homesickness” starts all over again.

I have tried to ask him to talk to her regards this and ask her to stop but Norwegian culture simply doesn’t do conflict and is very open speaking. So he tells me this isn’t a Norwegian way of addressing things. He isn’t mentally resilient enough to have a blowup or consider cutting them out.

I have tried everything and anything to make him feel happier and feel more in touch with his culture. Overall and without her interference he is happy and content however we’re living in a vicious circle I can’t seem to get out of.

AIBU by wanting my MIL to stop with the narrative in his ear to let him just live the life he’s chosen for himself?

I am Scandinavian myself and have lived in the UK a long time and raised my family here. I get desperately homesick sometimes, it's a yearning for the forest, lakes, air that I can't describe. Maybe that Scandi darkness or melancholy that is part of our heritage. BUT I have made my life in the UK and have made that clear to my family who have largely embraced it. The key here is your partner, not your MIL. Your partner needs to own his choices and make that clear to your inlaws.

And btw, we bought a little place of our own in Scandinavia, having a modest house back home has made me feel much better about living abroad. It csn be the best of two worlds

You know, allowing his family to exclude OP and their child, acting like he has no agency in the decision, generally allowing his family to mistreat OP without comment.

Trust me, as someone with similarly overbearing in-laws. Your marriage is doomed if your husband can't stand up for you. It is the only thing that will stop the behaviour, and save his mental health.

It took mine a while - longer than I'd have liked - but once he'd done it, the weight lifted off him. It was honestly unbelievable. He seems them infrequently now, two or three times a year, they don't talk much, but he isn't living in that state of stress and dreading the phone ringing, and neither am I.

If he wants to go home, you both need to create a realistic plan to make that happen, whether it's a two year plan or a ten year plan. You need to bear in mind your son, that any childcare will feel like it ties him to here, and the relationship your in-laws have with you, alongside all the other practicalities. If moving there is never an option, you need to both accept that, and your husband might need to talk to someone to process it and put it to bed.

Does your DP go back at all to visit for a week or so?
He must get some holiday time from work, during which could you all go so his family could meet and then perhaps regularly see your DS. Is there a reason why you can't? (eg the inlaws are still horrible to you)
Apologies if you already do/have done this.
Good luck, I hope you can work something out.

Wow, some of these messages are really one sided.

As a parent myself (of a 12 and 5 year old) I imagine it must be so very hard to be away from the children, where there are long periods of not being able to see , touch, hug them. When we have raised our children with a culture and identity, to see that change all of a sudden, must be very hard. I accept that different cultures operate differently; some western cultures are very open to their children making their own family and own life and not seeing their parents very much. Not all cultures are like that, and your partners culture is one of those. Maybe this is something To consider, for the long term.

why won’t his parents visit him?

You seem to be placing all the blame on your MIL, I think the issue is with your DH.

You don't have a MIL problem, you have a fiancé problem. What's he doing about it all?

He does seem very passive in all this. He really needs to tell his family how much they upset him and that they need to support his choices or he will reduce contact with them. He's a father and a partner first. I do understand feeling homesick but he has to embrace life here otherwise what's the point? Are you near a city? Could he find a Norwegian Social group nearby or start one? Can he plan a holiday so he can visit home? He needs to take the initiative and help himself.

https://welshnorwegian.org/

We have this in Wales!

You need to have an honest discussion about what he actually wants. He either wants to continue to build a life here with you and his child and to do it wholeheartedly or he would rather return to Norway.
If it’s the former than he needs to set boundaries with his family. If they can’t cut it out with the emotional blackmail then he will lessen the contact or even go no contact and he can’t be leaving you with these feelings of him being torn. It’s focus on the life he has and be firm with his parents or the relationship has no real future
Or, he tells you his heart still lies in Norway in which case you discuss whether the three of you can make a life there.
Would things improve if between you two and the in laws you made a plan for visits? Like you visit one year, they visit the next, or whatever works?

Is he the only child?

It was a little different for me — my husband and I always lived apart from his family in the U.S., but they always traveled to see us, no matter where we were.
It was exhausting for me — cleaning & shopping for a full house for one week then cleaning & shopping for another week & so on.
But his family got to see a great deal of the country and they were delightful. We always had fun and they were generous.

What’s stopping your husband’s family from coming to visit you@1011y?

I think the main problem is that he home sick. He probably isn’t shutting her down because that’s how he feels.

I think, even if she did stop you may find that not much changed or he still goes back. He stayed because he was in love, which is understandable. But now real normal life has set in, it seems living outside his home country isn’t for him.

That’s the issue.

You're getting a lot of negative responses here OP.

I got some serious resistance from my German PILs when DH moved to the UK. I'd been flavour of the month up till then, key to the house and everything.

As a parent myself, I can understand a pang if the kids move away, but it was hardly the end of the world he'd moved to. Their attitude caused a lot of unnecessary problems, but they were troubled people with a difficult history.

We've been married for thirty odd years and it works very well indeed. Don't give up lightly, deal with it together. x

Don't give up lightly, deal with it together

But that's the problem. The op's partner refuses to deal with it.

Your relationship is in very big trouble unless your partner grows a pair and puts up some serious boundaries with his mother. You simply can't compete against that type of emotional terrorism. Unless your partner takes control and puts you first, it's already over.

Then that needs to change, and that can be a process in these cases. Ultimately you do need to sort it together, but I repeat, don't give up lightly. There are a lot of responses on here from people who've never been in this situation. I have, so I offered my advice based on my experience.

I don’t understand why this is your responsibility to solve: he’s an adult. Let him figure it out. You are not responsible for his feelings or his life choices.

I empathise with your situation but I also don’t understand why is this your responsibility to solve? He is as an adult: his feelings and life choices are not your responsibility.

This isn't a cultural problem, this is a MIL/DH/family dynamics problem. Their refusal to visit for the last 7 years says it all. Remember the British stiff upper lip, and how they got over that? It's the same in the rest of northern Europe, we are learning to talk about our feelings now.

I'm from round there, now living in the UK. My parents visit once a year. For a few years my mother kept hinting at me moving back because she missed me (she wasn't as awful as your MIL, but still, the guilt!). I had to tell her that I had my own life here. Showing my intention to stay helped (mortgage, pets, long-term plans).

Your husband would benefit from counselling, it can't have been fun growing up with a mother like that. Does he have sensible siblings/extended family/local European friends with similar issues he can talk to?

Your DH and son can have a strong link with Norway without involving grandparents. Celebrate Midsummer. Eat the food. Listen to metal. Read Roald Dahl (in Norwegian). Have a bilingual household. Join a Norwegian social group (online or irl). Have holidays in Norway - but not close to his parents. Rent (or buy!) a summer house, suggest some accomodation should they want to visit.

If you're supporting him, why would you consider him cutting them out?

In my experience Norwegian people are polite but also assertive so your fiancé is extrapolating his own wet lettuce behaviour onto everyone.

He needs to tell his parents that they need to accept his life is the UK and that he won’t be engaging on the subject any longer.

Maybe he enjoys this martyr drama he has going on?

Whatever you do, do not move to Norway, he will let his mummy control your lives.

Because this can’t go on, it’s not fair on OP.

I think i was asking op

Did you ever discuss long term living arrangements?

He stayed in the UK to be with you but is he expecting that in 5/10 years time you would move to Norway?

Would you consider moving out of the UK?

OP, can you explain why he is now unable to move back to Norway due to work, when this was the original plan? Or has his overall plan changed since meeting you and becoming a family?

Is there a reason you cannot as a family move to Norway?