To want my MIL to take a back seat & allow her son to be happy

[1011y]

In short, my fiancé came here 7 years ago to work with the short term plan of working and then returning back to his home country of Norway. He met me 2 years in to his work placement and decided to stay here in the UK to be with me.

In the early days and since I have tried to make an effort with his family in various ways, such as learning the language and other forms. This has always been rejected by his family as they feel they don’t know me and that I am a stranger who has forced their way into the family. They see me as the barrier in him going back home to Norway.

He is struggling with being homesick and missing his home country. We don’t have the option to move there, or visit more due to his work being so demanding. They also won’t visit here and have refused to support his choices. This causes him a huge amount of pain but what’s worse is whenever they speak to my fiancé they play on his emotions and say things like “we would all be so happier if you came home” “you are such a different person now” “don’t forget your Norwegian roots” “don’t forget who you are” .. and so many others which chip away at his mental health. This of course hurts him no end and is making it incredibly difficult to settle and be happy here, understandably. No matter what I do to try and make him feel happier here he still feels such a huge void as they are so unsupportive and cause problems for us. If he goes a length of time without speaking to them his mood lifts, he is happier, settled and enjoying life with our little baby.

We have a little boy who is 4 months old and this worsened matters as they have now started chipping away regards to him and how he is not being raised “Norwegian” in a Norwegian culture.

His father is poorly and more recently my MIL is bringing him into it too with things like “your dad misses you he get so upset that you don’t live here and we’re not closer” (his dad is not able to voice his own feelings due to illness)

Am I doomed here for a separated family?, what can I do, I have tried my dammed hardest to create a happy home but every time the phone rings and she starts with the comments his mood drops a mile and the “homesickness” starts all over again.

I have tried to ask him to talk to her regards this and ask her to stop but Norwegian culture simply doesn’t do conflict and is very open speaking. So he tells me this isn’t a Norwegian way of addressing things. He isn’t mentally resilient enough to have a blowup or consider cutting them out.

I have tried everything and anything to make him feel happier and feel more in touch with his culture. Overall and without her interference he is happy and content however we’re living in a vicious circle I can’t seem to get out of.

AIBU by wanting my MIL to stop with the narrative in his ear to let him just live the life he’s chosen for himself?

That’s not how a forum works.

I moved from my birth country when I was 7 years old, but I've never forgotten it. I still feel very much part of it. And when I die I want to be buried "back home". Your DP spent all but 7 years of his life in Norway, so I can only imagine how much he misses his home and his family. You have to remember that your DP only has you and now the baby here. His whole family is elsewhere. That's hard. I do wonder if at the back of his mind he always hoped to move back home, but now it's not going to be possible because of his son, and that is what's hitting him hard at the moment. Maybe also the realisation that his son is missing out on so much. And they're not going to share the same experience of growing up. I don't think your DP is "happier and content" without speaking to his family at all. He is just temporarily distracted. It sounds really quite lonely for him.

OP I am married to a Dutch man.
When we first got together we talked a lot about where we would live. We were both 100% committed to making it work whichever country we lived in.
We live in UK. His father has come once to us, for the wedding, mainly because he doesn't travel and speaks only Dutch. His siblings have each come over a few times. But we made a committment to go to Holland once a year, and this year is the first time in 25 years that we have broken that, and even then dh went on his own for a couple of days. I speak Dutch, and we made a huge effort to raise our kids bilingual (that failed for other reasons). We celebrate Dutch holidays and food. They are proud of their dual heritage, even though at times they kicked against us going every year.

When you have marriage made of 2 nationalities, you both need to be committed to upholding each other's country, culture and family and at the same time be committed to making a life where you are living.

You dh sounds as if he has not actually reconciled with the idea that he doesn't live in Norway, and that his life is here. I wonder if deep down he is thinking that he will move back in a year or two? How would you feel about that? I would also say that you and he need to prioritise visiting his family more often. Of course he is homesick if he doesn't visit his home at all! Have his parents met your son yet? We travelled to Holland when each of the dc were young babies to introduce them to their Dutch grandparents. It was tough, but I am glad we made that effort.

It is a huge thing to leave your country and live somewhere else. Are you both doing enough to work through that and work through how you can uphold both cultures?

I think it is time for a real heart to heart between you. Plan your next visit to Norway, ask Norwegian family to make little videos of Norwegian songs and stories for your son, encourage your husband to speak to him in Norwegian and plan how you are going to be a bi-cultural family based here.

I have an uncle who emigrated 20 years ago. His poor wife quit her career to follow him. She quit a good job, left her own family, ended up being a stay at home wife for years (which she had not initially wanted) etc to support him. His mother still blames her for her son not coming home!

You can't reason with crazy....

So when he came here for work he told his family he would be going back to Norway at the end of the first contract which was 3 years long. After 1 year into the first contract he met me and has since signed himself willingly into a work life here. He is a pilot and has since changed over his licence from EU to UK licence and has signed a long bond in return for training etc. He is very happy here and would not get the same opportunities in Norway for work.

No he does not want to go back to Norway to live, but since we have agreed on some counselling for him and he has identified areas he needs to work on such as boundary setting and feeling confident enough to express his own wishes to his family. He explained that he has always felt henpecked by his mother and family into doing what they want him to do and struggles to say no.

I have never ruled out moving to Norway but he insists he wants our son raised in England, we are very close to my family and have friends, a life, mortgage, cars and pets here. Like I say, overall he is happy here and very content with our lives.

For our son he agrees there is a lot to work on personally and is going to Norway in a weeks time to discuss with his family regards his life choices.

We have also discussed a summer home in Norway instead of a bigger home here in the UK so he feels he has an anchorage there but in his own words, 'I don't want it to be right near my family'.

Thank you to all those who have posted advice and support, it means the world to hear from others in a similar situation. Much appreciated. I do plan on standing by him until the bitter end and to create a happy family together for our son.

Sorry I will add - his family have never visited us, won't even consider visiting us, and pretend I don't exist. They sometimes ask about our son but not much and are more inclined to talk to DH about topics such as what's happening in his home town, etc. He does try to bring us into the conversation but they don't entertain.

He genuinely has tried, and I love him for his character and personality, I wouldn't want him to change into someone who is capable of blowing up in anger/being forceful as it wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. He is very kind, soft and understanding, I on the other hand can be direct and to the point so his nature and bought the better out in me.

his family have never visited us, won't even consider visiting us, and pretend I don't exist. They sometimes ask about our son but not much and are more inclined to talk to DH about topics such as what's happening in his home town, etc. He does try to bring us into the conversation but they don't entertain

This is so weird. And the family only have themselves to blame if they feel they’ve ’lost’ him.

Sounds like a positive way forward OP, glad to hear your DH is willing to address it. But I hope he's prepared for them to not even be willing to listen. Which is unfortunate, but they're making these choices and he can't control that. If only we could send our own mothers to therapy!

He could try to have separate conversations with family members away from his mother, rather than him vs a bullying group. And you never know, things might improve after she dies.

Separating culture & family in your head can be difficult after moving away, especially as you only tend to visit to see family, but it really helps.

Norwegians do conflict and open speaking just fine. He is using this as an excuse to avoid having a difficult conversation with his family (I am a Norwegian living in Norway). This is a family problem and they sound like difficult and unwelcoming people.

Homesickness comes in waves and passes, also years after having moved overseas. If he is in a wave, it will pass in a while if he keeps himself busy and doesn't dwell on it. Also, even if a bit of him always will miss Norway, it doesn't mean he would actually want to move back. The longer you are away from your home country, the less familiar it feels when you go back. When your child is older, you might want to go for the summer or for more holidays. Norway in the summer can be very nice, and the weather is usually better than the UK.

Having opt-out reasons ready and saying something as simple as “I can’t talk right now” also helped. The sky did not fall down.

this is so tru

can you imagine if your DF said this each time his mother started to voice her emotional black mail - eventually she’d realise that’s where the conversation ended. So her choice is to not emotionally black mail and continue a conversation or not talk to her son on the phone

His family need to knock it off but he also needs to man up and be a father and partner. You are his family now and should be his priority. He should be controlling his family. If he’s in his mother’s pocket, he’ll probably stay there unfortunately.

Not sure why or how you saw this getting better, his resentment will grow and now you have brought a child into this situation.

I’m sorry but thousands of Europeans work in the UK. It’s not far (I go home to the Netherlands ever 6-8 weeks to see my elderly fit mother). It’s ridiculous he allows this abuse and doesn’t stand up for himself and takes this emotional abuse. Do not move there with a family like that. Most Scandinavian people are welcoming and they just seem to be selfish and abusive towards you. I’m sorry they make you feel like this. They should visit and vice versa with no resentment.

What a ridiculous statement. Every Scandinavian family I know are lovely!

It doesn't matter whether you're being unreasonable or not - you have to find a solution.

Personally, I'd focus on getting married. Because couples with a child who boast about having a "finance" sort of come across as dickheads. Only in my opinion.

These couples believe in marriage - but weren't organised enough or believed in themselves enough to get married and then plan for a child.

Seriously if you're a team signed up for life, you get married, expecially with in-laws who are opposed to the union - because they are close relations to your child.

I'd plan a 3-day weekend to Gretna Green (still romantic and great traditions/stories around it, especially when families oppose their union) get married and tell Norwegian relatives you're planning a follow on celebration/blessing in Norway, the following year.

If either you or "fiance" are opposed to getting married immediately, your relationship won't last.

Because marriage is absolutely about commiting to another person for life. And after a child, you absolutely should know how serious you both are about each other.

Your husband needs to stand up for himself here.

And Norway to the UK is literally a puddle jump, you can go visit more often and then he can point out he’s making the effort even if they aren’t. Just saying. It’s like a two hour flight. Plus drive, plus security. I just drove six hours to spend from 4pm to 11am. You could go Friday night and be back Sunday - for example.

Honestly I'd stop pushing this. Your DH clearly does not want to be near his family and is trying to work on developing that boundary, and you risk undermining that by pushing for more contact on your side. Let him deal with his family as he sees fit. He has already made his decision that his life is in the UK and he is prioritising you and his child. You need to accept that his family may never want to have a relationship with you or your child, and that is their prerogative I'm afraid.

The only person who can sort this out is your husband. Instead of trying to change his parent’s behaviour, channel your energy into him reconciling himself to their disappointment. Perhaps he would benefit from some therapy where he can express himself with someone neutral.

I think if this was me, I would strongly suggest the therapy route. I would also stop trying to talk to him about his family and just simply be a sympathetic and head nodding ear if he wants it but otherwise focus on building happiness in your own life and that of your child.

It’s not really within your gift to sort this situation out for him. I can understand your frustration in wanting to try and get some control over it, but I think in reality you have very little agency here. It really is about his relationship with his parents.

I do think however, you are allowed to express your own feelings about the effect that his behaviour and emotions around this issue impact you and your family.

I would imagine that at some point, he is just simply going to have to accept that he has deeply disappointed his parents and find a way to be OK with that.