Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave baby with parents 2 or 3 nights a week

76 replies

Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 18:12

Background: my partner left me and I lost my job while pregnant last year. I have a property in a large city. My parents invited me to move in with them 3 hours away in the countryside before I had my baby for support but also so I could STR my house to help cover the mortgage and bills with no income. Baby is now 9 months old and really happy living with my parents. My property in the city isn't suitable for a child and I couldn't move back there with my baby.

I've been looking for a new job for the last 5 months and was hoping to get a remote job (common in the industry I work in even before covid) and then my baby would be in nursery 3 days a week and with my mum 2 days a week, but I've been getting no where. I must have done at least 30 interviews, which has been really time consuming with the prep and a burden on my mum who's looking after my baby during prep and the interview time, not to mention demoralising. I've never had an issue getting a job before, but the market seems really tough.

I've lost out on a few opportunities as they wanted me to be in the office 2 - 3 days a week every week in the city and while I could go and stay in my house, this would involve me leaving my baby with my parents overnight every week for 2 - 3 nights.

My mum has said this is fine and that I just should compromise and they'd support me with childcare, and I'm considering that I'll just have to do this, but I worry about my impact on my baby.

Will he be ok if I'm completely absent 3 days a week and then pop up the rest of the week? I know loads of dads do this all the time and maybe this is just mum guilt. Do other mums do this?

Couple of factors:
-I have zero income apart from house rental which just about covers mortgage and bills in the city. I don't qualify for any UC due to savings. I don't receive CM (don't want to go down a rabbit hole with that discussion as that's a whole separate topic - dad isn't an option for physical or financial support).
-Baby is currently breastfed to sleep and we're co-sleeping so I'd have to turn this around really promptly. He's showing less interest in breastfeeding though and is eating well
-I'm quite senior in my career and have been earning over six figures
-I was hoping to sell up in the city and relocate nearer to my parents. My parents aren't rushing me to move out though.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 28/05/2024 18:15

How/why is the city property not suitable for a baby ?

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 18:20

user1483387154 · 28/05/2024 18:15

How/why is the city property not suitable for a baby ?

It only has one beadroom and an extremely hazardous staircase.

Also if I moved back I'd have to put my baby in fulltime nursery, costing £2000 (where it's located) and parent completely on my own which I think is not good for me or my son.

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 28/05/2024 18:22

In your shoes bluntly….you do what you have to.

i would rather not be able to see my baby for 2 days and have them safe, happy and cared for by loving GPs vs running myself ragged and rushing to drop a small baby at a nursery from 7am-6pm.

your option are a bit limited so it’s short term pain for long term gains. Separately your baby and Parents will form a really lovely bond.

Pinkjarblujar · 28/05/2024 18:24

In these circumstances I would do it. Babies are meant to be brought up in family groups.

Lifestooshort71 · 28/05/2024 18:27

Sounds the best solution at the moment - is your house not rented out though?

5128gap · 28/05/2024 18:27

Your baby will be absolutely fine. The model of child raising where mum is present every day is only one way of doing it. There's no reason at all why four days with you as primary carer and three days with grandparents shouldn't work just as well, as long as everyone loves DC, is capable of their care, and is on the same page.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/05/2024 18:28

Your baby will be fine but I couldn’t do it. If that’s your only option though…

FragileWookiee · 28/05/2024 18:32

I echo what @TemuSpecialBuy said. If your parents are happy with that arrangement, it is so much better for you all. You know they are happy and safe with loving grandparents. You are working and feeling more relaxed that you don't have to rush to collect them from nursery at the end of the day.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/05/2024 18:32

Maybe negotiate 2 days a week. E.g leave early on a Monday morning, stay overnight, work all day Tuesday and travel back. That's only one night away. I know it's 3 hours away but it's doable.

Createausername1970 · 28/05/2024 18:37

If your parents are happy, then it's definitely something to seriously consider. Once you are in a position, it will be easier to jiggle the working arrangements around.

Alternatively, can you sell your city property? Would that release funds?

Aswad · 28/05/2024 18:40

In your shoes and given the circumstances, I’d do it too. DC will also grow up feeling close to his grandparents and vice versa.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 18:52

Createausername1970 · 28/05/2024 18:37

If your parents are happy, then it's definitely something to seriously consider. Once you are in a position, it will be easier to jiggle the working arrangements around.

Alternatively, can you sell your city property? Would that release funds?

I have a 5 Yr mortgage which has another 2 years. Whilst it has a great interest rate I'd be fined for leaving it early - seems a bit pointless to do that since I already have savings. I could stay off longer but I don't want to burn through all my savings or be out the job market for too long.

OP posts:
Danielle9891 · 28/05/2024 18:56

It would be hard but I'd take the job and you could always look for another more suitable job in the meantime.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 18:56

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/05/2024 18:32

Maybe negotiate 2 days a week. E.g leave early on a Monday morning, stay overnight, work all day Tuesday and travel back. That's only one night away. I know it's 3 hours away but it's doable.

Yes I will weigh up the options and see if I can negotiate if I get an offer. I might be able to negotiate 3 days every other week for instance. I don't want to be ruled out the process for bringing it up though.

It's difficult as I don't want to into my personal circumstances or seem demanding.

OP posts:
TheCultureHusks · 28/05/2024 18:57

Hmm, sorry but no I wouldn’t do this at 9 months. Yes he’s safe with your mum and secure with her etc but don’t underestimate the importance of the primary carer bond. You’re his primary carer, I would think he’ll be fine but yes I’d expect seeing you part time to have an impact on his attachment.

I don’t necessarily think full time nursery is a better option mind you!

I don’t know. I understand it must be so difficult though.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 19:00

5128gap · 28/05/2024 18:27

Your baby will be absolutely fine. The model of child raising where mum is present every day is only one way of doing it. There's no reason at all why four days with you as primary carer and three days with grandparents shouldn't work just as well, as long as everyone loves DC, is capable of their care, and is on the same page.

Yes they're great with him and he's very attached to them. Not sure if I'm already not his favourite 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 19:03

TheCultureHusks · 28/05/2024 18:57

Hmm, sorry but no I wouldn’t do this at 9 months. Yes he’s safe with your mum and secure with her etc but don’t underestimate the importance of the primary carer bond. You’re his primary carer, I would think he’ll be fine but yes I’d expect seeing you part time to have an impact on his attachment.

I don’t necessarily think full time nursery is a better option mind you!

I don’t know. I understand it must be so difficult though.

I think he considers my parents as primary carers as they've been there every day since the beginning. He's very comfortable being left with them. But he's used to being BF by me and sleeping next to me.

OP posts:
PiggieWig · 28/05/2024 19:03

It will be hard emotionally, but needs must I think. Another two years out of the jobs market will make it more difficult to find work. I’d see if you can negotiate a bit more WFH as part of the package at offer stage, but your baby is being looked after by grandparents in their familiar home environment, so it seems the best solution to a tricky situation.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 19:06

Lifestooshort71 · 28/05/2024 18:27

Sounds the best solution at the moment - is your house not rented out though?

Only part time with Air b&b. I didn't want to rent it out permanently as I didn't know what would happen with work.

OP posts:
Daffodildilys · 28/05/2024 19:06

We have our dgs 3 days and 2 nights a week for childcare whilst our dd and sil work. We’ve done this since he was 10 months old (we live too far for a daily commute). It’s working out fine. Dgs loves it here. We love having him and our dd is happy he’s getting 2 to 1 care. Also no childcare costs!

Ponderingwindow · 28/05/2024 19:08

It’s definitely not ideal. Any chance you could negotiate fewer trips to the office? Maybe long days every other week?

also, if you do proceed, I would consider keeping your home rented and looking for a room to rent. It might be financially advantageous to keep the home rented and find someplace that wants to rent to someone who will only use the room occasionally.

Purpletractor · 28/05/2024 19:32

@Bunny44 i absolutely would do this and not even with a hint of ‘needs must’. I’ve worked away from home a night a week almost every week since my children were born (now 12&10). Sometimes they stay with my husband (their dad) and sometimes (if he’s away)they stay with my DM. My dd in particular has the most amazing relationship with my DM, which she wouldn’t have developed without this set up. But more than that, being a parent is exhausting, and more so as a single parent. Not only would I use this opportunity to get the job you want, I’d also use the days you are away to recharge your mummy batteries and go home refreshed……and yes, obviously you’ll be working hard on the days you are away, but you won’t be working hard AND getting your baby up, dressed, breakfasted and out to nursery and doing the reverse at the end of the day. You will have some me time.
The only negative I can see in this is that there is always a bigger risk with grandparents that they can become unwell quickly and you’ll have to find alternative childcare at short notice. You are fortunate to have such supportive parents. Go for it.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 19:35

Ponderingwindow · 28/05/2024 19:08

It’s definitely not ideal. Any chance you could negotiate fewer trips to the office? Maybe long days every other week?

also, if you do proceed, I would consider keeping your home rented and looking for a room to rent. It might be financially advantageous to keep the home rented and find someplace that wants to rent to someone who will only use the room occasionally.

The issue is there are a lot of candidates after the same roles so my impression is I'm less likely to secure a role if I start asking for exceptions, especially if I'm managing a team. It might be they become flexible if I "prove" myself.

I can only rent it out 90 nights a Yr anyway due to restrictions so I was planning on restricting it to weekends.

OP posts:
Anemoi · 28/05/2024 19:38

Given you already live with your parents, I actually think this will be fine. He’ll be in his home with two of the adults normally there, so although he’ll miss you, he’ll probably feel less disrupted than if you and him move back to the city and he has to leave his home and two of his secure attachment figures. And you can look for something you like better once you’ve settled. It’s always easier to get a job when you’ve already got one.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 19:38

Purpletractor · 28/05/2024 19:32

@Bunny44 i absolutely would do this and not even with a hint of ‘needs must’. I’ve worked away from home a night a week almost every week since my children were born (now 12&10). Sometimes they stay with my husband (their dad) and sometimes (if he’s away)they stay with my DM. My dd in particular has the most amazing relationship with my DM, which she wouldn’t have developed without this set up. But more than that, being a parent is exhausting, and more so as a single parent. Not only would I use this opportunity to get the job you want, I’d also use the days you are away to recharge your mummy batteries and go home refreshed……and yes, obviously you’ll be working hard on the days you are away, but you won’t be working hard AND getting your baby up, dressed, breakfasted and out to nursery and doing the reverse at the end of the day. You will have some me time.
The only negative I can see in this is that there is always a bigger risk with grandparents that they can become unwell quickly and you’ll have to find alternative childcare at short notice. You are fortunate to have such supportive parents. Go for it.

Thank you yes even my mum said I could use the evenings to go to the gym or see a friend (or maybe even a date!).

Yes I am very lucky they're so supportive- don't know what I'd do without them!

My parents are early 60s and in good health although I worry about the nursery bugs a bit. My dad is still working currently but maybe stopping in a year or 2.

OP posts: