To leave baby with parents 2 or 3 nights a week

[Bunny44]

Background: my partner left me and I lost my job while pregnant last year. I have a property in a large city. My parents invited me to move in with them 3 hours away in the countryside before I had my baby for support but also so I could STR my house to help cover the mortgage and bills with no income. Baby is now 9 months old and really happy living with my parents. My property in the city isn't suitable for a child and I couldn't move back there with my baby.

I've been looking for a new job for the last 5 months and was hoping to get a remote job (common in the industry I work in even before covid) and then my baby would be in nursery 3 days a week and with my mum 2 days a week, but I've been getting no where. I must have done at least 30 interviews, which has been really time consuming with the prep and a burden on my mum who's looking after my baby during prep and the interview time, not to mention demoralising. I've never had an issue getting a job before, but the market seems really tough.

I've lost out on a few opportunities as they wanted me to be in the office 2 - 3 days a week every week in the city and while I could go and stay in my house, this would involve me leaving my baby with my parents overnight every week for 2 - 3 nights.

My mum has said this is fine and that I just should compromise and they'd support me with childcare, and I'm considering that I'll just have to do this, but I worry about my impact on my baby.

Will he be ok if I'm completely absent 3 days a week and then pop up the rest of the week? I know loads of dads do this all the time and maybe this is just mum guilt. Do other mums do this?

Couple of factors:
-I have zero income apart from house rental which just about covers mortgage and bills in the city. I don't qualify for any UC due to savings. I don't receive CM (don't want to go down a rabbit hole with that discussion as that's a whole separate topic - dad isn't an option for physical or financial support).
-Baby is currently breastfed to sleep and we're co-sleeping so I'd have to turn this around really promptly. He's showing less interest in breastfeeding though and is eating well
-I'm quite senior in my career and have been earning over six figures
-I was hoping to sell up in the city and relocate nearer to my parents. My parents aren't rushing me to move out though.

I was in a similar position when my DS was little and I wish I had gone for it. I only didn't because a friend made me feel so guilty for considering it. It would have been so much better for my DS to have stayed with his nan for 2/3 nights a week whilst I hammered it at work rather than what I did - which was put him in nursery full time, have him perpetually be the first baby dropped off and last picked up, have a mum that was constantly stressed and spinning plates etc etc. It was such a shit couple of years and I am annoyed at myself for being drawn in to caring about what other people thought.

Babies and small children while ideally having a primary carer are capable of developing attachments to two or three adults who care for them.

I suspect your baby is already attached and familiar with your mum and dad so while it's not ideal it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do and your baby will be fine.

You will need to work out feeding/sleeping etc.

A lot of jobs that a couple of years ago were fully remote are now some days in the office as companies are getting people back in. I think you'll probably find it easier to get a job in that basis.

Surely the 6 hour commute time meant you didn't see them at all? DC would be asleep when I left and when I got back. I'd be looking at a £100+ rtn fare at peak times as well and likely totally exhausted. My thought was to go in one morning, stay over a night or 2 as needed then come back the last night so I'm only doing the the long journey once. Would give me time to do any work events in the evenings (sometimes needed) or go to the gym so time back with my DC is dedicated to him.

I am hoping I can negotiate 2 days a week or every other week so it doesn't seem so much. Every week wouldn't be ideal but lots of companies have blanket policies now with no exceptions.

I'm really cautious also to push too much as I lost my last job while pregnant and several other women did too. It seemed like a clear case of discrimination but actually we didn't have as many legal rights as one might think.

There’s nothing wrong with you choosing to do this (your child will be fine) but I think it’s a lot for your parents to take on.

Babysitting every now and then is a lot different to regularly looking after a child.

How long are you planning to do this for?
6 months? 6 years?

I think as a temporary solution it’s fine but I wouldn’t want my parents having this responsibility for an extended period of time as I would feel too guilty.

Do they ever go away on holiday or anything because things like this will have to stop for them.
They may not have thought about the full implications of it.

We all live together and my mum already does a lot - she's had him all day quite a few times while I do interviews/interviews prep, but obviously not all night too and I've been in the house.

When I go to work he'll also be in nursery 3 days a week so then they'd just have him in the morning briefly then evenings. I'll prob try and time it so he's at nursery the days I'm away.

It's my mum who's pushing me to do it. She wants me to get a job as she knows it'll be good for all of us long term and mean I can move out at some point.

He can go to nursery more days a week also if necessary.

Should also mention she wanted to do the same for my nephew but they live too far away.

Her sister has loads of grandchildren and regularly has them a lot so think she feels like she should be doing more. Think the part she finds harder is having me and my stuff here 😂.

My baby is quite an easy and very happy baby - my parents seem to love having him around which is lovely to see.

Not completely the same but I’m a nurse and work shifts, after I returned from maternity leave with my first I went back 3 long days (full time) I would be out the house before she woke and home when she was in bed. She slept through the night so I didn’t see her over night. Of course I would have a peak in her cot when I got home and give her a kiss on the head etc but in her eyes she didn’t see me for 3 days a week. She was and is not( 3.5 years old) absolutely fine and we have an amazing bond. I tried to make up for it on my days off and really maximise the time together. If you trust your parents I would do it. It’s not perfect and hopefully won’t be forever but really is it any different than parents who have to have their kids in childcare full time and only see them awake for a few hours a day.

MotherOfDragon20 My DC had a friend with a single mother police officer. Her DC regularly stayed at grandparents during the week, so they could pick her up. The mother would then be present when possible in the evenings but if she had night shifts or long day shifts then it wouldn't interrupt her DCs routine.

Her child was totally fine and happy.

Yeah there are lots of professions where the parent might not see their children for the full day. My children are at nursery during the day and with their father (my husband ) in their home in the evenings so their routine isn’t interrupted by my work.

I think if the OPs child is with a regular loving care giver ie. Their grandparents who will essentially become surrogate parents in the OPs absence, it’s not really any different than parents doing long shifts.

Are you not aware you are able to move when you are in a fixed rate and port the rate to another property? People aren't only moving when they're out of a fixed rate!

To answer your question - I wouldn't want to do it, but you've got to do what you've got to do.

My mum was I'll.in hospital having my brother before I was born.
My grandmother looked after my sister, my sister got confused and started to call my granny mum.
You probably haven't thought of that so just wanted to say.

I would. Realistically in the type of job you describe, even if you had the baby in nursery, you'd be out from 7-7pm and "leaving work early" to pick up from nursery. You wouldn't have much "primary parent time" anyway.

My parents had my kids Monday and Tuesdays whilst we worked long hours in London. We did have our parents in my house but we still didn't get much quality time at start and end of the day.

Their relationship with my parents was brilliant. Takes a village.

This.

I think it’s a good option short term. Your parents sound wonderful and your baby will be happy with them.

I would not want it long term though.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent You can't port a mortgage when you don't have a job - your affordability is reassessed. Already spoke to the bank about it.

It's not all week, just a few days a week. Sure he won't forget who his mum is.

Yes I will do that if possible but more likely to need to be 2 nights

No, of course he won’t forget who his mum is. What he will learn is that his mum is someone who disappears without warning for a time, and then he gets looked after by granny, and then she randomly comes back. It doesn’t matter that the other person/people looking after him are trusted and loved, etc. It’s the whole basis of attachment - the provision of ONE primary caregiver who is always there. If that isn’t there, if the caregiver could be one person one day and another the next, it impacts attachment. The baby doesn’t know who it’s going to be. They are made aware of an ultimate insecurity. I want mum but maybe she won’t come. They lack that ultimate security and yes it changes the way they are and the way they learn. It’s why very young babies are not recommended to do 50-50 when parents are separated. It doesn’t matter that the dad (usually dad of course) is just as much a parent and loves the baby just as much. What a young baby needs is one primary caregiver that doesn’t change, and that is the basis for secure attachment - the knowledge by the baby that they can expect X to happen and it will.

you could of course argue that they get the same experience with nursery, and that’s correct to a point - but I think the pattern here is the issue, mum being gone not just for a few hours and then always picking up (so routine) - two days gone, two nights, then back again- that’s not a routine that seems communicable to a young baby and you lose the touchstones of ‘bedtime’ ‘breakfast’ with the same primary caregiver there.

Well my mum will be there every day therefore he will have one primary caregiver who is always there?

The whole definition of a primary carer is that there’s only one of them. That’s what it means - that it DOESN’T swap over to someone else a couple of days a week, etc. That’s the bit that causes the attachment issue - the swapping, the uncertainty.

So yes that’s fine, if you’re saying that your mum is his primary carer, his main attachment then that’s great. Just don’t try and disrupt that and be ‘mum’ when you’re home? Are you willing to do that, is the difficult thing I guess.

@TheCultureHusks not really going to pay any attention to what you're saying anyway as I know it's not correct 🙂

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Good luck anyway x

Spot on! What a frustrating load of guilt-tripping misogynistic rubbish is being spewed on this thread. By the same logic of some responses, all mothers should stay at home with their children lest they should be traumatised by their mothers abandoning them at the nursery door.

You clearly have wonderful parents who will do a brilliant job of stepping into your shoes while you’re working away. Your baby will remain in one stable environment with the same loving adults looking after him. He will get used to the routine of you going and always reliably coming back - his ability to form attachments won’t be ruined!

I think your plan sounds solid. The advantages of being financially stable can’t be underestimated, and then there are the advantages to your mental health of having a job too.

I would just about say your worries about co-sleeping & breastfeeding: you will be amazed how much more independent they get in the space of just a few more months. If that’s a major concern for you, perhaps just hold off on the plan until they’re a year old. You can already see the interest in breastfeeding dropping so know you’re heading in the right direction already. Either way, babies are amazingly adaptable.

Good luck!

My ex left me whilst I was pregnant with DC2. He didn't do weekends or overnights with his 'D'F for the first 12 months but after that he was there every week for 2 nights a week. It's a slightly different situation as it's his Dad but the point is, he was away from me every week for 2 nights and all has worked out well so far. He's now 14. I would do it if you don't see any other roles around that would give you the same opportunity.