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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave baby with parents 2 or 3 nights a week

76 replies

Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 18:12

Background: my partner left me and I lost my job while pregnant last year. I have a property in a large city. My parents invited me to move in with them 3 hours away in the countryside before I had my baby for support but also so I could STR my house to help cover the mortgage and bills with no income. Baby is now 9 months old and really happy living with my parents. My property in the city isn't suitable for a child and I couldn't move back there with my baby.

I've been looking for a new job for the last 5 months and was hoping to get a remote job (common in the industry I work in even before covid) and then my baby would be in nursery 3 days a week and with my mum 2 days a week, but I've been getting no where. I must have done at least 30 interviews, which has been really time consuming with the prep and a burden on my mum who's looking after my baby during prep and the interview time, not to mention demoralising. I've never had an issue getting a job before, but the market seems really tough.

I've lost out on a few opportunities as they wanted me to be in the office 2 - 3 days a week every week in the city and while I could go and stay in my house, this would involve me leaving my baby with my parents overnight every week for 2 - 3 nights.

My mum has said this is fine and that I just should compromise and they'd support me with childcare, and I'm considering that I'll just have to do this, but I worry about my impact on my baby.

Will he be ok if I'm completely absent 3 days a week and then pop up the rest of the week? I know loads of dads do this all the time and maybe this is just mum guilt. Do other mums do this?

Couple of factors:
-I have zero income apart from house rental which just about covers mortgage and bills in the city. I don't qualify for any UC due to savings. I don't receive CM (don't want to go down a rabbit hole with that discussion as that's a whole separate topic - dad isn't an option for physical or financial support).
-Baby is currently breastfed to sleep and we're co-sleeping so I'd have to turn this around really promptly. He's showing less interest in breastfeeding though and is eating well
-I'm quite senior in my career and have been earning over six figures
-I was hoping to sell up in the city and relocate nearer to my parents. My parents aren't rushing me to move out though.

OP posts:
newyearsresolurion · 28/05/2024 19:46

It takes a village to raise a child you have family support so go for it. I grew up with my grandparents as my mother was a single mother and had to work in another city. Do what you have to do x

mindutopia · 28/05/2024 19:47

Do you need to stay over? I worked in London 3 days a week from when mine were about 11 months. It’s a 3 hour commute for me. I’d go in and back the same day. Obviously when they’re babies it meant I got back after bedtime, but it did mean I was there and present the next morning if not a working day. Or pack your 2 working days together so you’re only there 1 night a week.

Once you’ve been made an offer you may be surprised what flexibility you have in negotiations. I also work in a very competitive field, but I’ve always managed to negotiate my flexible and remote working around the kids and my commute.

tartancladpjs · 28/05/2024 19:54

You are 100% right men do this all the time and in a way I did this too, I was working long hours and sometimes missed bedtime and was gone before they woke. So could go 2-3 days without seeing my DS.

It was a phase of my life that helped me and the family get to where we are now and it was 100% necessary.

Crunchymum · 28/05/2024 19:57

I must have done at least 30 interviews, which has been really time consuming with the prep and a burden on my mum who's looking after my baby during prep and the interview time

If your interview and prep time has been such a burden, then how can you expect up to 3 nights a week childcare from your mum?

Lavender14 · 28/05/2024 20:01

Ah op that's really difficult and I don't envy you. I'd have really struggled emotionally being away from ds like that but I agree with others I think the sooner you can get back into employment the better and at least then you can look for something more suitable and closer to your parents/remote. I'd look at it as securing your and your child's future, a necessary evil you're doing for their benefit long term.

Sunnnybunny72 · 28/05/2024 20:12

Your baby will be fine but I wouldn't touch this.
You'll be so beholden. You won't think so now.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/05/2024 20:17

I was in exactly your position moving in with parents to keep my baby. I am now back in my flat (luckily I have a two bed) but if I didn't have suitable accom near my work I would do what you're planning on doing. Your baby is used to your parents they are like second parents to him and he will get used to it. You should practise them doing the bedtime routine a couple of nights a week first if they're not already so they have it spot on before he starts nursery so not too many changes at once. And if you can afford to start him at nursery before you start work.

Well done you for making the best hard choices for your little one and keep accessing your parents support - your baby will be so happy being brought up around them in that fresh country air x

likepebblesonabeach · 28/05/2024 20:23

I think this solution sounds fine op.
You are leaving your DC in the home he is used to with grandparents who love him.
If things need to reevaluated at a later date then they can be but given your circumstances now I absolutely would go ahead with this idea

LocalHobo · 28/05/2024 20:31

This situation is very normal in many cultures and your LO will be fine.
Personally I would not have been content with missing those early moments with my DC,but that would be thinking of myself, not of the wellbeing of my LO.

Mama_bear · 28/05/2024 20:32

My friend did this for years, her parents would have the kids 2 nights a week and she would do 2 longer days ae work and then work 3 shorter days.
All worked out well, kids seem fine and well adjusted and have a lovely relationship with their grandparents and cousins who used to stay over also.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 21:09

Crunchymum · 28/05/2024 19:57

I must have done at least 30 interviews, which has been really time consuming with the prep and a burden on my mum who's looking after my baby during prep and the interview time

If your interview and prep time has been such a burden, then how can you expect up to 3 nights a week childcare from your mum?

Tbh she's never complained. It just feels exhausting - it's the emotional side of interviewing and rejections. My mum gets emotionally invested/worried about it too.

Last year was really hard on my confidence so I do think getting a new job might help.

OP posts:
WittiestUsernameEver · 28/05/2024 21:13

Is not seeing your child worth £100,000+?

If it was (and it was!) me,.I'd take another job,.go part time and be with my child

You won't be able to buy back that time with all that money you earned...

TemuSpecialBuy · 28/05/2024 21:41

I think some of the posts show how personal this is….

With my oldest I had a lot of medical apps in Covid that I couldn’t take her to. When I went mum looked after my dd.

my DM is similar sounding to yours ie nice/involved and also lives very close and is always about / likes to help / pops in unannounced with a bunch of bananas etc.

As a result, my DD viewed my DM as an extra parent of sorts. Even now she just loves her and goes wild when she comes through the door.

i work full time and make 200k per year. For me it is 💯 worth the time away for the quality of life, home, opportunities and financial security it affords my children. It also means I am not burned out / up to my tits in drudge work and just love the time I spend with her. I personally feel I have a good balance.

Comedycook · 28/05/2024 21:44

which has been really time consuming with the prep and a burden on my mum who's looking after my baby during prep and the interview time

So it's a burden to look after the baby whilst you're in an interview but overnight for 2/3 nights a week isn't?!

Comedycook · 28/05/2024 21:45

Sorry I see someone already mentioned that.

WittiestUsernameEver · 28/05/2024 21:47

Interesting isn't it how we all value things differently.

mitogoshi · 28/05/2024 21:48

In your circumstances i would do that, your baby will be fine and we have to do what we need to do to manage. Around the world it's really common for grandparents to raise grandkids whilst parents work away, not ideal but it's a case of needs must

Irishmama100 · 28/05/2024 21:51

My child stayed with my Mum one to two nights a week when he went to preschool. I dropped him off and she picked him up and took him to her house for the night and then took him back the next morning. In the winter if bad weather or if I was travelling for work he might have stayed another night. He loved it, she loved it!
He is a teenager now and they have such a close bond. It takes a Village to raise a child, you do what you have to do and you are lucky to have great parents.

LeavesOnTrees · 28/05/2024 21:52

If you shared custody with your ex you wouldn't see your DC all the time anyway.

As a single mother you need to keep your career going and the set up with your parents sounds ideal. You can always go for it, try it out and if it's too hard then change jobs.
It's always easier to get another job when you're already in work.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 28/05/2024 21:54

If 50/50 custody is fine then this is fine too.

I'm assuming it won't be forever and that you'll negotiate for eg 2 long days as soon as you're able to, or you'll find a different job. Needs must.

WillNameChangeAfter · 28/05/2024 22:04

This is very common in my home country, it takes a village to raise a child and financial responsibility is just as important as emotional. I'd go for it, it will be nice for DC to be close to their grandparents

WillNameChangeAfter · 28/05/2024 22:05

I wouldn't sell your flat either if its in a central location, you might regret it later and property price increases might make it impossible to afford another property in the same location

Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 22:10

WittiestUsernameEver · 28/05/2024 21:13

Is not seeing your child worth £100,000+?

If it was (and it was!) me,.I'd take another job,.go part time and be with my child

You won't be able to buy back that time with all that money you earned...

Edited

I don't like the idea of being away from him either but also I do need a job as a single parent - you mention part time as if its easy to get. I would take a pay cut to go part time but there are very few part time jobs in my field and the ones that come up have so many applications I never hear back.

If I'm going to go back to work I'd rather at least be well paid as at least I feel like it means I can provide well for him and set a good example.

What I figured is that the days I am back I'll be working from home so can do mornings, lunch and dinner/bathtime with him and if I have some time on my own in the city then he really gets all my time when I'm back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 22:12

WillNameChangeAfter · 28/05/2024 22:05

I wouldn't sell your flat either if its in a central location, you might regret it later and property price increases might make it impossible to afford another property in the same location

It's actually a very nice and unusual property so if I can hold onto it I will. Might be useful for DC in the (very long term) future as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 28/05/2024 22:14

LeavesOnTrees · 28/05/2024 21:52

If you shared custody with your ex you wouldn't see your DC all the time anyway.

As a single mother you need to keep your career going and the set up with your parents sounds ideal. You can always go for it, try it out and if it's too hard then change jobs.
It's always easier to get another job when you're already in work.

This is a very good point. Although makes me relieved and lucky to think I'm not sharing custody with him and it's my parents instead.

I am very lucky to have them!

OP posts: