To think it's impossible to be a working grandparent / parent / wife & daughter and have a second to myself?

[Sunnywashing]

I'm beyond shattered, DH & I regularly look after toddler GS, help out both 20 something DCs and have 4 elderly parents that need help too.
And work in stressful jobs.

Mostly we are so grateful to have all this lovely family but sometimes it feels like we are doing all the giving and no-one considers that we are human beings and may occasionally need a break / hand too.

I manage to do a full-time job from home in part-time hours which should mean I get a break but all that time is used up by everyone else.
Retirement is the only thing that I think will help but I'm worried everyone else will just see that as extra spare time we can spend helping them...

My gosh people are bitter on this forum, it's unbelievable.
It's NORMAL for family members to help each other in the real world, even when they are 20 🙄

OP, you sound absolutely lovely and a dream parent/grand-parents. So many people only function thanks to parents like you.

You do need to tell your kids it's too much, just tell them. You need to take a step back, and that's fine, Give them enough time to work something out, BOOK time off for yourself when you are not available, call it work if you need.

Think about it, if it gets too much and you get ill, you won't be able to do anything or help anyone at all. No need to go that far.

No need to become as dramatic as so many posters on here, but talk with your kids.

I agree with this, I think if I was in this situation I would step back from my parents and focus on my children and grandchildren. But I would still try to maintain some boundaries with them, make sure they understood that helping them takes a toll on me.

@beergiggles there is only so much care you can buy in, even if you have the money. There still needs to be someone to organise the care, visit parents when ill or in hospital, advocate for their medical or social care, sort out repairs to the house, pay bills. People who have not been there usually have little understanding that it is not the physical care or housework you end up doing. That is the easiest part to outsource.

My neighbour died 3 months ago suddenly, he was two years into his retirement. Because of being imposed upon for childcare they didn't yet get their longed for big trip to see family in Australia. His wife is so sad. She has resisted all childcare since, despite being told it would help to keep her busy🙄. She has booked several summer holidays with widowed friends and her sister as she has no intention of being foisted upon again like last summer. She is very very sad. None of us know how long we have. There is a massive difference between being emergency back up and free unpaid full-time childcare for children that think they are entitled to it. Childcare costs have made some children think they are entitled to impose on their parents retirement. A thankless mugs game.

Just say no. It's that simple. Until you do it will carry on so YABU for not setting boundaries

True but they did not help her with their grandchildren so why should she sacrifice herself and her free time for them?
I would focus my efforts on my children and grandchildren who might then help me when I was older.

This is, really, on you. Say no more, put yourself first a bit. It’s lovely that you want to, and are able to, help your kids and, by extension, your grandchildren but it shouldn’t be this hard!!

Ironically my parents moved away just as I had my kids because they were sick of being taken advantage of by my sibling as free babysitters.... they came back just at the point that my kids were old enough that I no longer needed any help.

I can totally see why they did it now I find myself in a similar situation.

But they put a lot of love and effort into bringing me up so I still owe them for that, and they're my parents if they need help I need to give it.

Hello @DarkForces of course, I agree not everyone feels the same, don't worry! But I was just sharing how I feel about being overwhelmed with my current situation and how I'm coping with it, in case it's useful. I felt from
OP that she felt pretty out of control of her situation and am
sharing how I cope with that situation and even try to reframe it positively. It's open to interpretation, criticism, dismissal of course but I've put it there none the less, just in case!

OP, somethings got to give.

I’ve already told my DH that I’m not helping with his parents as they’ve never once helped with our DC, and I owe them nothing. It’s on him and his DSis. Quite a few of my friends are being put upon by their in-laws when I saw them treated badly by them for years.

No way I’m doing that.

I’ve spent years raising DC, and I’ve my own parents to look after, and hopefully my own DGC.

I’ve already got my boundaries in place for the future. I’ve decided to turn my nurturing skills on myself.

I think you need to be clearer to everyone that your time is limited. Everything you do for someone else comes at a cost.

Your elderly folk will need more over time, and really need support systems in place that don't all depend on you - cleaners, gardeners, handyman etc.
My mum's cleaner is gradually turning into a carer, which I'm very pleased about. It's what mum needs.

Your DC actually would be my priority- it is really tough in the early days and there's never any money. It's hard work.

Thanks everyone
It's really useful to hear everyone's views & see things from a range of perspectives.
We said no to something yesterday (the request was what what pushed me over the edge into making this post) and the sky hasn't fallen, a different family member has stepped up and everyone is still talking to us today. So hooray for small victories!

You’re the meat in everyone’s sandwich. Do what you feel up to doing - say no to the rest.🙂

They could have said no and had their Dreams holiday though.

People can only put on you if you let them.

Do how do they repay you for this childcare? Dinners out, vouchers nights away. I do that for my parents. And they don’t even provide regular childcare. You need to speak your truth @Sunnywashing

They are grateful but they don't have that kind of money

Completely agree. I think it can sneak up on you though. 4 children all with new young families is a lot. Always one looking for help of some sort. It takes a very firm person to push back.
I have often heard grandparents saying they go on regular holidays to get a break from these responsibilities.

One of my friends has not been very well, and on top of this she is looking after her 2 very frail parents and her DH’s 2 ageing, ungrateful parents. She has DC of her own all doing GCSE and A’levels and she has an illness herself.

I’m actually really worried about my friend’s health and quite frankly I don’t think they will realise till she drops dead.

OP, you really need to take a very hard look at your week, and work out what can shift. Also, how many DC do you have demanding your time? Sorry if I missed that. Don’t get into a routine of doing lots for one, and then you can’t say yes to another. You need to make sure you treat your DC equally to avoid future resentment.

This isn’t directed at you, but I do think it is important to help your DC out a bit. I want to help mine when the time comes. I know it is not pay per view, or it shouldn’t be the case that you reap what you sow, but it is. We are now in the position where we have elderly parents who need more help. I am more than willing to help mine out, as they have done lots for me. It’s not that I see it as a transaction, it is that I am grateful and I feel close to my parents seeing what they have done for me. In contrast my PIL have done nothing for us, or my DC, except cause drama, and I just don’t feel that I owe them anything and so when I have prioritised my time, they don’t get any of it. As I mentioned below, I have already told my DH that he and his DSis can look after them because even though I work p/t and will retire before them (I am older and retirement age working better in my favour too) I WON’T be doing it.

You are stuck in the middle.

I guess some of your issue is that you don't want to let your kids down.

But I think you do need to get them all together and tell them that this isn't a sustainable situation for you and you all need to address it now and make changes before it becomes a real problem. Set a deadline - maybe the New Year, or next Easter - or whatever you think is appropriate - and say that by this date, at the latest, things need to be different.

Decide beforehand what YOU would like and work towards that. You need to have flexibility in your life as your parents may need sudden support and that might then create issues for your DC if they are relying on you.

Plus, you need your own time for you. I said on another thread, you can't hope to look after other people if you don't look after yourself first.

Well, you’re choosing this, at the expense of your own sanity. Make better choices. People will have to deal.