Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's impossible to be a working grandparent / parent / wife & daughter and have a second to myself?

71 replies

Sunnywashing · 28/05/2024 14:18

I'm beyond shattered, DH & I regularly look after toddler GS, help out both 20 something DCs and have 4 elderly parents that need help too.
And work in stressful jobs.

Mostly we are so grateful to have all this lovely family but sometimes it feels like we are doing all the giving and no-one considers that we are human beings and may occasionally need a break / hand too.

I manage to do a full-time job from home in part-time hours which should mean I get a break but all that time is used up by everyone else.
Retirement is the only thing that I think will help but I'm worried everyone else will just see that as extra spare time we can spend helping them...

OP posts:
likepebblesonabeach · 28/05/2024 21:48

It sounds like you want to do it op, which is absolutely fine, but you then can't moan about doing it.
If it is getting too much you must stop but only you can do this.
You say you want to help your DC's and don't like conflict. Something is going to have to give.

Letsgocamping67 · 28/05/2024 22:41

If your parents didn’t help you why are you helping them. Encourage them to buy in care, a cleaner home help gardener etc

SpringerFall · 28/05/2024 22:44

I believe grandparents sole purpose in life is to provide childcare, and if you don't do that or anything else your children demand to their satisfaction you will have the privilege of being AIBU about on here

Original poster
Sunnywashing · 29/05/2024 08:41

SpringerFall · 28/05/2024 22:44

I believe grandparents sole purpose in life is to provide childcare, and if you don't do that or anything else your children demand to their satisfaction you will have the privilege of being AIBU about on here

Ha are you my daughter in law??

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 29/05/2024 09:00

You can just sau, "No," you know...

Yes, it's true that the more you do for people, they more they will ask.

This is because

  • they don't realise everyone else is asking you too
  • they assume you are happy and able to do it
  • they assume you'll say no if it's a problem

You can't expect others to respect you and your time if you don't respect it yourself.

GreyCarpet · 29/05/2024 09:03

I just hate any kind of conflict so it's easier just to say yes then it's just me that's inconvenienced...

It's all on you then really, isn't it?

Would there really be 'conflict' if you said no?

piejetyellow · 29/05/2024 09:09

Oh OP your kids are taking advantage of you. You're still working. You shouldn't be doing regular childcare. I know that's easier said than done, I have a hands on mum and get on very well but I have NEVER asked her to do regular childcare for work purposes, she's still working herself. She helps out in other ways so DH and I get a break, and enjoys that as it's her time with the GC but full of treats and spoiling because it's not regular. I really think you need to find a way to prioritise yourself more.

Testina · 29/05/2024 09:11

This is all on you. Which is great, because you can change it.

They're in their 20s, so we help with babysitting one of their kids and general life stuff, as you do.

What “general life stuff”? Because actually no, not “as you do” - I have 2 mid 20s stepchildren and my husband does very little for them - but they’re grown adults!

4 parents close enough to cause you work, but none of them able to pick up that babysitting? Pffft.

If I were you, I’d actively write down every request that comes in this week, and really take time to think:

  • have I even been asked or is this me offering unnecessarily
  • does it even need to be done
  • can they do it themselves
  • can someone else but me do it
  • if it really has to be me, is there a way to make it easier / quicker for me?
By actually forcing yourself through those steps, you may find yourself more able to do less.
Roundroundthegarden · 29/05/2024 09:15

Op you raised them to be this selfish. Trust me they know how hard it is regarding childcare, they just don't care about you.
Stop being a martyr and start saying no. If they do take offence then there's your answer!

Testina · 29/05/2024 09:15

Retirement is the only thing that I think will help but I'm worried everyone else will just see that as extra spare time we can spend helping them...

Let what you know REALLY sink in. Your retirement is going to be a full time+ caring role to 4 elderly people with increasing care needs. Two of whom “belong” to your husband who’s already happily working your martyrdom and supposedly more flexible working (I’m guessing he’s not away on the rigs himself) to leave his parents’ needs to you. If you don’t stop now, you’re choosing that future.

outlandishly · 29/05/2024 09:16

Haha are you me OP?
Got all of those boxes ticked here!

One thing I'm struggling is the guilt though, especially with my own DM. I spend my days off shared between her and scrumptious DGC.

I feel very blessed and very knackered all at once. Plus my work is very physical so that's a whole other thread!

No answers but sending solidarity x

Lifelong · 29/05/2024 09:17

You sound a bit pre burn out.
Once you have a bout of illness because of it, it often becomes recurring issue.
Be very careful.
A full-time job jammed into part-time hours is NOT sustainable.
Rethink all you do before it changes how you live.

Takenoprisoner · 29/05/2024 09:24

Lifelong · 29/05/2024 09:17

You sound a bit pre burn out.
Once you have a bout of illness because of it, it often becomes recurring issue.
Be very careful.
A full-time job jammed into part-time hours is NOT sustainable.
Rethink all you do before it changes how you live.

I agree with this. Burnout follows a period of prolonged stress, which you are choosing to subject your body to. It's not fair on you.

spiderplantmum · 29/05/2024 09:27

Not quite the same but I'm a full time working mum and although I don't have as much on as you, I do get it. I always try to remind myself that I'm 20 or thirty years I'd give anything to go back and see my children little again, even if life is very very busy because of it. And I try to remember that this is the busiest season of my life and it will be rewarded one day. And heaven knows there will be a day one day in the future when I'll look back with rose tinted glasses and even miss it! In 20 years you'll look back and give anything to be as young and as healthy as you are now, so try and embrace what is good about your life and exhale when you can.

Sorry, I know that's not much help but, as someone who also feels helplessly swept up in life right now I've found comfort in looking at my life through the lenses of longing for it from 30 years in the future.

TheCheeseThief · 29/05/2024 09:28

Stop babysitting unless it's for work purposes.

Your son/daughter can go out while the other babysits if they want to go to the pub or whatever and vice visa.

Greebosmum · 29/05/2024 09:28

I am you, except I have been retired for 2 months. Much of which has been taken up with childcare. It's actually not easy to say no when your child is stuck for childcare, for example when usual childcare arrangements break down for some reason. I actually hate my life sometimes, I don't think youngsters realise how tired we are, I certainly didn't.

It actually doesn't give a close bond with grandchildren because I am so resentful. I love them dearly and work hard to make sure the grandchildren don't know how I feel. It is galling though when we are expected to do all this childcare then don't get invited to their birthday celebrations or in fact see our children unless they are dropping off/picking up their children.

Sorry if I sound bitter, but I am a bit.

piejetyellow · 29/05/2024 09:40

@Greebosmum but why is it hard to say no if you're being treated like that? Can you not have the conversation? About how galling it is to be used and not thought of in other ways? To struggle to bond? Are these adult children so devoid of empathy that they can't have an adult conversation with their parents? Stop enabling them! The truth is you're replaceable, as harsh as that sounds, if you died today they wouldn't send the kids off to be adopted, they'd find a way round it. Be firmer. Have some self respect. You're not doing anyone any favours in the long run, not if it isn't even being appreciated now.

Theoldbird · 29/05/2024 10:16

spiderplantmum · 29/05/2024 09:27

Not quite the same but I'm a full time working mum and although I don't have as much on as you, I do get it. I always try to remind myself that I'm 20 or thirty years I'd give anything to go back and see my children little again, even if life is very very busy because of it. And I try to remember that this is the busiest season of my life and it will be rewarded one day. And heaven knows there will be a day one day in the future when I'll look back with rose tinted glasses and even miss it! In 20 years you'll look back and give anything to be as young and as healthy as you are now, so try and embrace what is good about your life and exhale when you can.

Sorry, I know that's not much help but, as someone who also feels helplessly swept up in life right now I've found comfort in looking at my life through the lenses of longing for it from 30 years in the future.

I don't know if it's helpful for people to live their lives in this way, by looking at what they will be misty-eyed about in 30 years time.

If you are looking after your young dc then of course that's perfectly understandable to say to yourself, they are only little for a short time, it's all fleeting and there will be time to look back and miss it one day. The problem here is that op should by rights be in that phase of her life of looking back and reminiscing about her dc being young, however she can't because she's still doing childcare of dgc, running around after adult dc, as well as both sets of parents. She has no time to herself and is ran ragged. The only thing she might regret is taking too much on and not having enjoyed this period of her life a bit more. or worse, becoming long term ill because of stress and burnout.

HAF1119 · 29/05/2024 10:37

I see both my parents with my son, they've looked after him about 4 times between them (they're seperated). I have no PILs on my husbands side.

They're my parents not my babysitters and I don't have any expectations of them, especially given they are both still working themselves. The occasions that I have had childcare from them has been for ad hoc things which can't be covered with childcare (late appointments, I had to go to hospital once etc)

I do them tea biscuits and sometimes a meal when they visit me and we go out for days out where I'm there with them. They're a lovely addition to my sons life, not a childcare solution for me.

To each their own but I don't think grandparents should be forced to be childcare providers because their children have children!

DarkForces · 29/05/2024 10:43

I get that you don't like conflict, but you've brought up these 20 year olds, it can't be the first time you've had to set boundaries. You need to decide what you want to do and give them
notice to make other arrangements. There's a middle ground between not helping at all and breaking yourself to avoid a challenging conversation

DarkForces · 29/05/2024 10:50

spiderplantmum · 29/05/2024 09:27

Not quite the same but I'm a full time working mum and although I don't have as much on as you, I do get it. I always try to remind myself that I'm 20 or thirty years I'd give anything to go back and see my children little again, even if life is very very busy because of it. And I try to remember that this is the busiest season of my life and it will be rewarded one day. And heaven knows there will be a day one day in the future when I'll look back with rose tinted glasses and even miss it! In 20 years you'll look back and give anything to be as young and as healthy as you are now, so try and embrace what is good about your life and exhale when you can.

Sorry, I know that's not much help but, as someone who also feels helplessly swept up in life right now I've found comfort in looking at my life through the lenses of longing for it from 30 years in the future.

But you're 20 and these are your children. It's completely different. Plus not everyone looks back with longing. I'm enjoying my time far more with a more independent 12 year old and thriving career than I did with a pre schooler who was determined to injure themselves if I blinked. When my time comes to retire I don't want to be changing nappies and compromising on holiday dates. I want childcare to be my choice not a burden

KarmenPQZ · 29/05/2024 10:53

Sunnywashing · 28/05/2024 14:49

Siblings not really any use on either side unfortunately with the oldies, although thankfully we are not at round the clock care yet.

Boundaries needed I agree, I just hate any kind of conflict so it's easier just to say yes then it's just me that's inconvenienced...

I really need to woman up here I think!

Show quote history

Goodness get some holidays booked in before they do need more care then!

As others have said you need to carve out time for yourself as no one will do it for you! My partner manages to swim/gym/run 4 times a week and practise piano and guitar every day. This went on for 4 years before I realised I picked up the slack because I was there. If I go to the gym then he ends up doing bedtime duties. So I go! If it’s booked it happens!

RishiFinallyDidTheRightThing · 29/05/2024 13:52

Given that you work from home, a lot of your problems could be solved by moving 250 miles away.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/05/2024 14:00

YANBU, OP. Anyone who loves their children and their parents will want to help them out (perhaps not on Mumsnet but in the real world) and if you work full time too, you will be worn thin.

Have a think about how much you really want to do, and start saying you can't do more than that. Don't leave it until you are exhausted and then snap at the wrong person for the wrong thing.

YourPinkDog · 29/05/2024 14:00

Sunnywashing · 28/05/2024 14:38

We didn't get much (if any) help bringing them up and it was really hard, so I want to help them in the way no-one really helped us. They just have no idea how hard it is on us.

Show quote history

You need to look after yourself. You will make yourself ill.
You know how hard it can be without help, but you can not plug the gaps in everyone else's life and ignore your own life.