To think it's impossible to be a working grandparent / parent / wife & daughter and have a second to myself?

[Sunnywashing]

I'm beyond shattered, DH & I regularly look after toddler GS, help out both 20 something DCs and have 4 elderly parents that need help too.
And work in stressful jobs.

Mostly we are so grateful to have all this lovely family but sometimes it feels like we are doing all the giving and no-one considers that we are human beings and may occasionally need a break / hand too.

I manage to do a full-time job from home in part-time hours which should mean I get a break but all that time is used up by everyone else.
Retirement is the only thing that I think will help but I'm worried everyone else will just see that as extra spare time we can spend helping them...

Be prepared for someone to tell you that you should be eternally grateful for the opportunity to provide childcare at your inconvenience, and that if you don't, nobody will feel obliged to care for you in your time of need!

Why are you doing so much for everyone else? I hate the term but this sounds like you're martyring yourself.

I guess the more you do the more everyone expects you to do, plus in some ways I'm the only one available because of the flexible working from home thing.

If you're planning for retirement set boundaries early. Many of my older colleagues are back working part time in the NHS and doing childcare for GC on other days. No time for themselves at all. And all of them absolutely shattered.
My father in law helps me and my partner with childcare but we limit it to two days a week around nursery hours. He is a huge help and like yourself loves being with family but health and "the right to enjoy retirement" are both valid reasons not to take advantage.

Why are you doing so much childcare for your children? They’re adults who chose to have children presumably? Say no, step back. No point working yourself into an early grave

But you're not available, you're available at the expense of your own sanity which is not really available. People shouldn't have kids if they can't make it work without so much reliance on 1 person.

I think the way forward is to book some things you want and need to do, and then just not be available during those times. If you need some self-care and time to yourself, book some yoga sessions or dance classes, or craft club or whatever.

You can tell a white lie and say your working hours have changed and you are now obliged to work set hours (which means scaling back on the hours of caring for others.) You don't need to tell anyone you are the person who has set the new hours.

Also, with elderly parents, can you and your siblings sort out proper round the clock care? You cannot be treated as if you are retired and have acres of free time when you are already doing a FT job and caring for GC, DC and DPs.

Don't wait until you get a health scare before you set healthy boundaries in place. But you could tell everyone that you are shattered and need to schedule some proper breaks into each week. Work 9-5, have at least one entirely clear day at the weekends and at least 2-3 evenings each week with nothing scheduled.

You need to set boundaries but people also need to not take advantage.

I have been extremely fortunate to have significant childcare from my PIL since my son was 6 months. I have checked in multiple times a year that it still suits them, they go on holiday whenever it suits them, cancel when needed etc.

They are doing me a massive favour and when they decide to stop that’s entirely their right.

We didn't get much (if any) help bringing them up and it was really hard, so I want to help them in the way no-one really helped us. They just have no idea how hard it is on us.

I think you're not unreasonable to feel fed up but you are the only one who can do anything about it. It's understandable that your elderly parents need support, but do your kids need as much from you? Could they also help with their grandparents?

I sympathise because I feel quite like you now and definitely could be you in a few years! But other folk are not going to think it's too much for you unless you start setting boundaries yourself.

They just have no idea how hard it is on us.

Of course they do! They just choose not to consider it.

Then tell them!

Or show them this thread.

Haha I'm trying to be a bit vague so as not to be recognisable! Perhaps that's a mistake!

Siblings not really any use on either side unfortunately with the oldies, although thankfully we are not at round the clock care yet.

Boundaries needed I agree, I just hate any kind of conflict so it's easier just to say yes then it's just me that's inconvenienced...

I really need to woman up here I think!

Well, you're a martyr

Just say no

What exactly are you helping the 20 year olds with???

sounds like you didn't get much/any support with your own children from the grandparents and now they're expecting lots from you? there might be a lot of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) going on here.

I would be telling everyone I need to look after my health a bit more and can't do as much. surely they can't argue with that. It doesn't matter what the 'looking after health' looks like, could be napping the afternoon away on the sofa, going away for the weekend with dh... surely you've both earned it by now? if not now, when?

Trust me, your DC would rather know now that you'll be cutting down to X hours / day a week care, because of your health, than for you to hit a wall and pull out with immediate effect.

Look at what hours you have outside of work. You provide childcare for no more than 50% of those, and your relationship with elderly parents is as a visitor only. If you go down a "keeping an eye out for them" route, you'll find social services happy to see you keep on being an unofficial carer. You don't want to go down that route either.

@Sunnywashing I know a lady locally who looks after her toddler grandchildren a few days a week and I really feel for her, she is quite fragile looking and has said how tiring she finds it.

There are ways of helping without having to provide regular childcare - could you step it back to occasional weekends for example? I get no help from my parents as they live a long way away, I’d be over the moon if they did something with my kids just a couple of times a year.

I'm not particularly old or fragile as yet, had my kids in my 20s and GS was a 'surprise' so his parents are pretty young too. They have some challenges though so we're really trying to help them out as much as we can but they only see themselves I'm realising.

They're in their 20s, so we help with babysitting one of their kids and general life stuff, as you do. We're lucky to have such a close relationship but we're people too and I just don't think they realise that.

OP you have a right to a life. Your adult children chose to have a baby. My youngest was a surprise but that's life and we stepped up as we did with our 2 planned kids. Yes it was hard and exhausting. We have virtually no help but it's made us better parents in the long run. My mum worked part time till very recently and I wouldn't have asked her to help anyway as I love and respect her. Her health is more important to me so I paid childcare.

I have also watched a family member of DH totally take advantage of a very elderly and unwell relative childcare wise. The more childcare she did the less they would do and the more entitled, demanding and reliant they became on her. They thought nothing of dropping of a sick contagious child so they could party. It wasn't healthy for anyone least of all the child.

Sometimes helping can end up enabling people further with issues. To help sometimes you need to stand back, guide and let your adult children step up to the plate.

Are the grandkids close to their grandparents? Could they help? One advantage of your DC being young parents is that they will have loads of energy. They definitely need to be doing more.

Your adult children need to start adulting. It's time for a conversation. When your oldies need more help, unless you buy it in you will keel over. What about when you need help, how does that work? Life is for living, not skivvying for your adult kids.

Also if you had no help from any of your parents when your kids were young, why do you need to help them now? Occasional visits and paid for help when they come to need it from their house equity. Sit down with your kids and explain you’re worn out, can they think of ways to lessen the load on you?