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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband going away for weekend!

104 replies

Mjb24 · 27/05/2024 09:27

So it's my 1st time posting and would live to know peoples thoughts on this one.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant with 2nd child. Little one is 2.5years. My husband goes away every year with his mates Friday to Sunday around May time. This year its organised to go this weekend and as the date gets closer I'm getting more and more upset. I've tried to talk to him but he's 100% adamant he's going. Part of me doesn't grudge it as he works so hard for our family and also helps me with my own business too but I cant help but question our marriage as he's basically risking missing thr birth to get get drunk one weekend with his pals. He just keeps saying you were late 1st time and to stop worrying. Aibu?

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 27/05/2024 13:18

Thinking on @Samlewis96 comment - there's a lot of focus here on OP's husband missing out on the birth of his child.

Men being present at the birth is quite a recent thing. IME, most men I've spoken to found the actual birth quite stressful and not very special. The moment after when they see their tiny newborn baby for the first time? Yes, obviously very special. But not the actual birth.

But why should this be about whether OP's husband misses out or not? The issue here is that OP, the one who is growing and birthing a human being, wants him there for support. That's what this is about!

Takenoprisoner · 27/05/2024 13:21

I cannot imagine any decent man would willingly, outside of going to work, want to be away from his wife at this point in her pregnancy. He is not a decent man. Pp is right, just focus on yourself and baby for now. Have you got childcare for the older child?

Takenoprisoner · 27/05/2024 13:37

@Samlewis96 op has a toddler and is heavily pregnant. This isn't an obsession with the father being present at the Birth, op needs support from her dh and missing out on this trip is really the tiniest sacrifice he could make in view of the many many sacrifices op is making with her body. Op wants her dh there. You weren't bothered. That's the difference.

Generally speaking, I'm really really sick of this culture of grown men going away on lad's weekends or protracted wedding celebrations and stag dos when they have very young children and are leaving their partners to do all the work. When will these twats grow the hell up? There was another thread about a woman objecting to her dh going away for 2 weekends, family wedding, leaving her with 2 small dc. She was asking him to go for one only and not both weekends and he was refusing. This selfish misogynistic culture disadvantages women over and over. These men are buying their leisure time with the time, health and labours of their female partners. It's a form of control.

GrumpyPanda · 27/05/2024 13:38

I'm bemused at all the comments saying, fine for him to go away with friends if it weren't for OP's due date. A yearly walking holiday with friends, absolutely. A weekend away for the express purpose of getting drunk...? This would give me the ick so badly there wouldn't be a due date.

TheaBrandt · 27/05/2024 13:43

Was prepared to say chill out but not in your situation! Never got beyond 37 weeks with either of mine and despite first labour being days second was done and dusted in 6 hours start to finish at 35 weeks. So if Dh had been away as yours plans to he would’ve have missed it entirely

ilovesooty · 27/05/2024 13:51

GrumpyPanda · 27/05/2024 13:38

I'm bemused at all the comments saying, fine for him to go away with friends if it weren't for OP's due date. A yearly walking holiday with friends, absolutely. A weekend away for the express purpose of getting drunk...? This would give me the ick so badly there wouldn't be a due date.

I think he's absolutely wrong in this instance but are you seriously saying that men are only allowed to go on wholesome non drinking activities once they get married?

BurbageBrook · 27/05/2024 14:08

I think I'd be okay with it if it was one hour drive away and he didn't drink so could get back quickly if needed. But it doesn't sound like that's the case here at all. I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

Bignanna · 27/05/2024 14:14

He sounds selfish and inconsiderate. I’d be very hurt if it happened to me

Avatartar · 27/05/2024 14:29

You can’t change him but you do need to zone him out. Can you get a friend or parent to move in with you for those days he’s away to help with toddler?
Don’t initiate any contact with him while he’s away. If baby comes during that time he can find out on his return. You owe him no favours, he hasn’t got your back, sorry OP he’s all about him - good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2024 14:34

I wouldn't have married someone that likes to drink like that even if it's once a year but YANBU, he should have arranged it for the start of May or a bit earlier if he gave one ounce of shite about you.

Codlingmoths · 27/05/2024 14:35

You say calmly and clearly if you miss the birth if our baby, if you’re not here and sober to support me, then I will never, ever forgive you. Not this year, not next year, not 5 years from now. As I go into hospital I will tell them not to let you in afterwards.

Coffeegincarbs · 27/05/2024 14:37

It's pretty obvious he's selfish and you and the baby are not his priority. Can someone come and stay with you this weekend to help with the toddler and cover incase you go into labour? If you do I'd not bother telling him until he returned home with his hangover.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 27/05/2024 14:38

That's awful, hasn't he heard about current ambulance waits. A two year is difficult to be running after too. It also doesn't say much about his mates that they're apparently fine with this.

As an aside I hate it when people tell me not to worry, I'll assess the situation for myself, thanks.

PinkyFlamingo · 27/05/2024 14:41

Start making alternative arrangements for childcare and someone to be with you for the birth.

fancyfrogs · 27/05/2024 14:41

YANBU. I'd be really upset with that. Really selfish behaviour from him

Lightsinthew00ds · 27/05/2024 14:43

It is nothing related to "tit for tat"

It is about being treated equally & respectfully

Why should he be the only one who gets a child free weekend away ?

Elsewhere123 · 27/05/2024 15:20

Ask him what alternative plan he has set up if you go into labour when he is away.

Lubilu02 · 27/05/2024 15:29

I'd also wonder how far away he's going? I wouldn't be happy with anything beyond an hour. Well, tbh I wouldn't be expecting him to go at all.
Also, the fact that you could start contractions before bed and have baby by the morning. He would need to be contactable the whole time and not drunk at all. How likely is that going to be?
I really feel for you, it really sucks when men just can't see things from your perspective. Maybe throw in a few pains here and there, I'm not joking, he needs to put the focus back onto you, where it should be!! X

Theoldbird · 27/05/2024 15:32

Lightsinthew00ds · 27/05/2024 14:43

It is nothing related to "tit for tat"

It is about being treated equally & respectfully

Why should he be the only one who gets a child free weekend away ?

How does a weekend away in the future help the op now? She is asking about her current situation, being left alone heavily pregnant with a toddler, whilst her husband lives it up with 'the boys'.

Equality and respect in this scenario would be the dh NOT going on this unnecessary trip and leaving the op at a vulnerable time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2024 15:50

Elsewhere123 · 27/05/2024 15:20

Ask him what alternative plan he has set up if you go into labour when he is away.

This.

His dismissiveness would really colour my attitude towards him.

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/05/2024 16:13

Not only all this but he's leaving you with a toddler on your own when you could potentially go into labour? Never mind that it'll be exhausting. Have someone on stand by for your toddler and someone to go with you. How are will you be when he goes?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 27/05/2024 16:38

Lightsinthew00ds · 27/05/2024 13:01

I would be asking for a child free weekend for yourself in the future, once per year

Either with friends or alone

If alone something like spa, hobby, weekend break

Ensure that you arrange & do this !

Very low bar to set - firstly don't aak, tell, but this doesn't help op right now.

Poor op having to deal with this in her condition. Another one who wouldn't contact him - l would secretly hope he did miss the birth and he could then live with that for ever more.

Hope you get it sorted op.

BubziOwl · 27/05/2024 16:49

Lightsinthew00ds · 27/05/2024 14:43

It is nothing related to "tit for tat"

It is about being treated equally & respectfully

Why should he be the only one who gets a child free weekend away ?

I don't think that OP going away at some point in the future, presumably when her youngest is older, is is any way an equivalent scenario to OP being left on her own, heavily pregnant with a toddler, with the worry of going into labour without her husband.

Begsthequestion · 27/05/2024 17:05

Jeez. You are literally risking your life to grow and birth your shared offspring and he can't even skip one weekend on the lash? I'm sorry, that's a bit shit really. I hope he sees sense.

Samlewis96 · 27/05/2024 17:56

Takenoprisoner · 27/05/2024 13:37

@Samlewis96 op has a toddler and is heavily pregnant. This isn't an obsession with the father being present at the Birth, op needs support from her dh and missing out on this trip is really the tiniest sacrifice he could make in view of the many many sacrifices op is making with her body. Op wants her dh there. You weren't bothered. That's the difference.

Generally speaking, I'm really really sick of this culture of grown men going away on lad's weekends or protracted wedding celebrations and stag dos when they have very young children and are leaving their partners to do all the work. When will these twats grow the hell up? There was another thread about a woman objecting to her dh going away for 2 weekends, family wedding, leaving her with 2 small dc. She was asking him to go for one only and not both weekends and he was refusing. This selfish misogynistic culture disadvantages women over and over. These men are buying their leisure time with the time, health and labours of their female partners. It's a form of control.

And where did I say I wasn't bothered? As I'm not sure I said that all all . Only you said I wasn't bothered There were posters saying how HE will regret it if he misses the birth. None of us know whether he will or not so that's just an assumption.

I also said I wouldn't be happy about him going.