Not wanting to talk to my Aunt and Uncle anymore

[candragonsbepurple]

When I was a child, I was primarily raised by my Aunt and Uncle. I dont know what happened to my Dad but my Mum had boyfriend after boyfriend when I was a child up until I was eighteen and moving away from my hometown for college/University.

My Uncle and Aunt kept a secret from me - my Mum remarried when I was twelve and has four stepsons - One of whom has just got in contact with me on Facebook asking if I was my Mother's daughter. He said she wanted to get in contact and I said I'd think about it.

I know my Answer's going to be "No" straight off the bat, I don't want to be in her life after she abandoned me as a kid. I'm not even sure I want to be in my Aunt and Uncle's lives anymore and I can't help but think going NC would be best for me. They said they kept it secret because they knew I'd "act out" which is weird because I wasn't a kid who often acted out. I was only ever really moody and naughty as a child on the rare occasions that I was sick

AIBU in cutting them and my Mum off for a while.

I expect your aunt and uncle thought it would upset you to learn that your mum hadn’t bothered to look after you, but had created a family unit with a new man and new kids. It sounds like they were trying to protect you from more pain. If they were kind to you and brought you up lovingly, then I think it would be cruel of you to punish them for trying to save you from hurt. If they were nasty and uncaring, then that’s different.

I wouldn't do anything at the moment except have a very good think about it. The contact has come out of the blue and that's a shock. It calls into question perhaps certainties that you had about your relationship with your aunt and uncle and that has destabilised your world perhaps. I would probably think ok so I'm going to have a think about it fir a couple of weeks, allow yourself the time to process this avalanche of information before doing anything.

You do realise if your Aunt and Uncle had not taken you in you'd have been put into care. Think about that and how different your life might have turned out. Your Aunt and Uncle probably didn't know what to do for the best. If they brought you up loved you and cared for you why would you turn against them?

I can understand your hurt. Neither of my parents raised me, I was left to relatives as well. But I did see my mam a few time a year so not the exact same.

I would think they were probably doing it to protect you. I think over all I was a pretty happy child. I found out in my 20s my dad had gone on to have a whole other family and I just didn't feature. It did hurt and I don't know how that would have felt as a teenager

But I do think it would be hugely unfair to go NC with your aunt/ uncle over this. You might think they should have gone about it in and a different way but they didn't. I probably wouldn't have told you either because I'm not really sure what it would have achieved bar hurting you

why would they have told you she remarried though? isn't that like rubbing the salt into the wound?

"oh hey by the way you know that woman who abandoned you and doesnt love you and has nothing to do with you and who you will probably never see again in your life? Well shes now playing happy families and is married with step sons"

Like what's the point. Your hurt fair enough but going NC just on that basis is wild.
Also you say you never acted out but i find it hard to believe, most kids i know says they were well behaved or normal as teens / kids and i have to laugh knowing what i know about them 😂Even my cousin believes she was an easy child.. SHE WAS NOT!

Parenting is not easy but im sure your aunt and uncle tried.

Have they been loving parental figures, your aunt and uncle? They didn’t tell you which is wrong, but maybe they didn’t want to cause you pain they saw as unnecessary? Perhaps they saw your mum as part of your past and why torment you with new information?

Could it be that your anger at your mum being projected onto the only people who have been there for you?

Ah op I'm sorry, you're getting a lot of responses on here that are quite unfair.

You were a child and you deserved people to raise you kindly and honestly just as any child does. You don't owe your aunt and uncle anything more than any child owes anyone who raises them.

It's perfectly understandable that you're angry that they decided not to share information about your immediate family even though I can see they probably did think it was a kindness at the time.

I think this has probably been a shock, especially the way you've got this information. But I think you need to sit with it for a bit and take your time to think about it. Over time you might find you've more questions you would like answers to and you may only have a limited time to have those conversations. So I wouldn't be too hasty to make any firm decisions incase later you do want to get more information.

If you need to take some space from your aunt and uncle that's OK but I would make sure you're getting some counselling or other support for yourself to help you resolve this because it sounds like overall they've been a positive feature in your life and it might be a shame to lose that forever if they have generally made you feel loved and secure in life.

Basically op you don't owe anyone anything, you don't NEED to do anything other than what sits right for you but I would say you do need to be prepared to feel different things as time goes on and the understandable feelings of anger and betrayal maybe ease a bit.

Sometimes it can be hard to find the right time to tell someone you love something that could really hurt them and possibly derail their lives. They were in a difficult position. What if you had turned on them and asked them why the hell they were telling you something like that?

I would try and find some compassion for them, especially if you have felt loved by them.

This is your birth mother's mess.
She's a piece of work, not to mind your father.

I sympathise with you, OP. Secrecy and duplicity in families only serves to cause more distress when the truth gets out.

If your Aunt & Uncle had reacted to your knowing the truth with apologies and reasoning that amounted to them wanting to shield you from harm/hurt then I'd say you should try to forgive them and move on but this whole 'act out' thing is so weird.

If they didn't tell you the truth because they wanted an easy life then that's pretty low of them. They could have at least told you when you were an adult.

It seems like your Mum has had a relationship with step children and that must be really painful for you. I agree with PPs that you need to find out more information to really know what happened and then you can decide if you want these people in your life.

Sending you a handhold OP, I have a complicated family background and recently some long held secrets came tumbling out and I was left feeling betrayed and confused as to what I was supposed to do with it all. It's tough.

I suspect your instinct to cut off your aunt and uncle is because you are hurting in the moment and these are the people you felt safest with and trusted the most, that is why their withholding information is hurting most. I say give yourself time and maybe consider speaking to a therapist as that abandonment wound can be a life long struggle (speaking from experience there too).

Wise words from @Dontbeme

OP you sound like you have had a tougher road to hoe than most. I can’t imagine how disorientating it must have been as a young child to be abandoned by your parents like that. Especially your mother.

I do think that being abandoned like you were can truly mess with your sense of attachment and mean you don’t feel deeply embedded with anyone - even your aunt and uncle that effectively raised you.

if your aunt and uncle were otherwise mostly good enough parents - I would council that you express your anger to them and try to move past it with them. It’s good to know that people love us enough to hold space for our anger and that sometimes people can make poor decisions with good intentions - and that those can be overcome.

if your aunt and uncle weren’t ideal caretakers. If you have other unaddressed issues with them and you have other secure relationships (even just with a therapist) and feel like you can let them go - then by all means do so.

but I suspect that once the current emotional storm thrown up by this facebook message settles - then your gut won’t do you dirty here. Take a beat then listen to your self!

They did their best and looked after you. I think you’re being harsh.