Not wanting to talk to my Aunt and Uncle anymore

[candragonsbepurple]

When I was a child, I was primarily raised by my Aunt and Uncle. I dont know what happened to my Dad but my Mum had boyfriend after boyfriend when I was a child up until I was eighteen and moving away from my hometown for college/University.

My Uncle and Aunt kept a secret from me - my Mum remarried when I was twelve and has four stepsons - One of whom has just got in contact with me on Facebook asking if I was my Mother's daughter. He said she wanted to get in contact and I said I'd think about it.

I know my Answer's going to be "No" straight off the bat, I don't want to be in her life after she abandoned me as a kid. I'm not even sure I want to be in my Aunt and Uncle's lives anymore and I can't help but think going NC would be best for me. They said they kept it secret because they knew I'd "act out" which is weird because I wasn't a kid who often acted out. I was only ever really moody and naughty as a child on the rare occasions that I was sick

AIBU in cutting them and my Mum off for a while.

But you've just said you're not interested in your mother and her family. Given that she was so active with men, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that she would have a new family.

Your Aunt and Uncle have done what they could to protect you from your Mothers ways. It's not them you should be directing your anger at.

It's a huge thing to take in a niece or nephew as your own. They weren't perfect, but neither is any parent.

I made the same mistake of trying to protect my DDs from something. I really regret it, but my intention was good.
I can only imagine how hard it would be for your aunt and uncle to tell you that your mum had other children, in the knowledge that she continued to not want you. I'd want to spare a child from that, too.

If I were you I'd actually discuss it a bit more with your aunt and uncle. It could be that there's more of a backstory here. Were they trying to protect you from her in some way? In any case I am not sure they've actively lied? More omitted to inform you of the updates on your mother who abandoned you?
I think your anger is probably with your mother here and I find it odd that this stepson is getting in touch too. He has no particular relationship with you.
As a PP said, this sounds like a very tough emotional situation for you and some counselling may be helpful.

Wow.

Firstly- children shouldn’t have to be grateful for being brought up. What happened wasn’t OP’s fault or responsibility. The aunt and uncle chose to raise her. She was a child with no agency.

That said, OP you say you didn’t act out— as a child who’d been abandoned you would have been fragile in all sorts of ways and your aunt and uncle will have worried about how to keep you stable. There will have been times you were devastated by the space in your life when you didn’t do as well as you could have- maybe you went quiet, maybe you got stroppy, maybe you had nightmares. There will have been something.

They will have wanted to protect you.

Your feelings are absolutely valid, and I think it would be ok to tell them you want to take some time to process things. But don’t think in terms of cutting them off for their ‘lies’. Just take some space to process it all and decide if you want contact with your half brothers and birth mum.

Unless they were bad parents to you, keep them in your life.

This. And wven if they did make a mistake in nit telling you OP does that negate all the years they spent raising you?

Your Aunt and Uncle brought you up and cared for you. They didn't have to. It sounds like they were trying to protect you. Your mother, if anyone, should have been the one to tell you.

Being abandoned by your mother is an awful thing to have happened to you. It can also set a blueprint where you "abandon" and cut off others.
If you're aunt and uncle were good people then they didn't do this to cause hurt but rather to avoid it.
It might be a good idea to get some therapy as there's a lot going in here.

Unless there is more to your Aunt and Uncle's behaviour that you haven't said (eg you feeling second best in the home, only grudgingly spending money on you but freely spending money on their own DC, always making you feel like an interloper) I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.

There isn't always a "right" answer, often it's the "least bad" scenario that you try to go with. How hurtful would you have found it to know that your mother chose to have her step children in her life and do for them what she wasn't willing to do for you? How badly might you have felt as a child? They were probably trying to protect you from that.

You sound so ungrateful and I can completely see what they mean when they say you would act out. Look at your exact reaction here!!

These people raised you when your parents left you and you turn around and this is all you take from their generosity.

I can't see what they've done that is wrong. If your Mum wanted you to know about her remarriage surely it was up to her to tell you? I agree, you sound ungrateful.

Given you're not handling it well now then your aunt and uncle were right not to tell you.

I can't see they've done anything but try and protect you from someone who was toxic.

I agree that no child should have to feel grateful for being brought up, so I'm a bit uncomfortable with people saying OP is ungrateful.

But I do think that you need to have some empathy for the position your aunt and uncle were in @candragonsbepurple . It must have been a really difficult time for all of you.
It was clumsy of them to say that they thought you'd act out. But basically it sounds as though they were trying to protect you from the hurt that might make you act out.

I suspect that I'd have chickened out of if turning you too. They tried to give you a stable home. Telling you something that would be so upsetting and a further rejection of you by your mother, would be so difficult to do, and risk that stability..

Honestly, I can see why they made this decision.
It's something that could be hugely damaging, and telling someone information like this right at the start of their teenagers years, or during their teenager years, could change the course of their life's direction. It may not have done. But I can see why they didn't want to take the risk. Arguably yes, they should have come clean when you were an adult, but we don't know how you were mentally or how your life was at the time you became an adult - maybe they were still worried about the impact it might have on you. It's easy to say from an adult point of view 'I deserved to know the truth, I would have been fine' but young brains can be such wildcards and are not known for being able to process things in logical ways.
Your brain is now looking for some way to lash out, and that is very normal. They did what they thought was best, and they (in your eyes) fucked up - but can you honestly say you've never hurt them, either intentionally or unintentionally?
I hope you find peace with this.

It seems you have been let down by the older generation on all sides. Your aunt and uncle have been weak in putting the onus on you. ('You would have acted out.') What they really mean is that it would have been understandably upsetting for you and therefore upsetting for them too, a difficult topic to broach. They took the easier option of keeping quiet and not rocking the boat. They should have bitten the bullet at some point and told you gently, reassuring you of their love and commitment to you.

Having said all that, they don't sound like bad people, just weak ones. They took you in after all and that's a big deal.

Your mother should have maintained contact with you while you were growing up, even if she wasn't in a position to raise you. She didn't but wants to make amends now. Again, it sounds like she was a weak person, weaker than your aunt and uncle, but again not necessarily bad.

One possibility is to meet the stepson without making any further commitments to meeting your mother. It may bring some closure to hear about your mother from a different perspective. Depending on how you feel after that, you could take things further or not.

The one thing that is clear is that you deserved better.

As the saying goes, friends are the family you choose. Sometimes they can offer enough validation and strength to allow you to be in contact with trickier family members. Only you will know if you are sufficiently supported in that way to make contact.

i think they were doing it from a good place,
were you in any contact with your mum at all?
they probably felt it was up to your mum to tell you and of course it would have shattered you as a 12 year old

From an outside perspective it sounds like your aunt and uncle made a judgement call and from your adult perspective you think they made the wrong decision. The thing is though, you can't know how it would have turned out if they had told you at the time. As others have said, I think you are directing your anger at the wrong person. It was your mum who abandoned you and your aunt and uncle took you in. What would the alternative have been - a chaotic life with your mother where you were neglected and didn't feel loved or going in to care? It sounds like you were much better off with your aunt and uncle, even if they didn't always get it quite right (most parents don't). I wouldn't throw away your relationship with them over this (and I say this as someone whose life has been negatively affected by decisions their parents made which they thought were for the best at the time).
I'm so sorry this has caused you so much hurt. Sounds like counselling could be helpful.

Assuming your aunt and uncle looked after you well and you felt safe and loved, I wouldn't cut them off for this. I'm not sure if you have kids, but sometimes parents or carers that raise them, get it wrong in an attempt to get it right.

I can see how they might have been trying to protect you by not telling you. I mean, it's hurtful to think your mum abandoned you, but then took on 4 step children when she married. Mothering them but not you. Perhaps they just didn't want to make you feel further rejection?

I'm not really big on it parents thinking their kids owe them anything, because parents choose to bring kids into the world. Kids don't ask to be born. But in the case of your aunt and uncle, I think you do need to show some gratitude. They were not responsible for bringing you into this world, but they still took on all the responsibilities that come with it. They didn't have to do that. Again, assuming they were good care givers, it would be a slap on the face for you to cut them off. And like another poster said, if you do cut them off, be prepared to lose them from your life. They may not just want to hang around waiting for you to change your mind.

By "act out" do they not mean that you might have been upset & not handled it well?

Surely that was a possibility?

Why do you think it was up to them to tell you?

It sounds like your Aunt and Uncle made a judgement call on what to tell you. You clearly are angry but, unless they mistreated you, they may have thought they did what was best for you.

OP have you had any kind of help to process your difficult childhood? I don't know what the "right" thing is regarding going NC with your aunt and uncle but I'd be careful of making a hasty decision that you might regret later.

I imagine your aunt and uncle tried to protect you. You were only twelve, and no doubt had already been through so much. You were so fortunate to have them op.

It’s your decision as to whether to welcome back your mother and family. Have you had counselling and therapy?

You are angry at the people that helped raise you rather than let you go into care? This seems misjudged to me.
They did nothing wrong and I’d seek counselling as you’re obviously harbouring a lot of hurt around your mother.

' they knew I'd "act out" which is weird because I wasn't a kid who often acted out. '

they clearly thought / felt differently

' I was only ever really moody and naughty as a child on the rare occasions that I was sick '

that's your view, but do you think you are agreeing now that you did indeed act out...

and by going nc now, as an adult, that they would think you are acting out ?

I think it depends on how your aunt and uncle were with you on the whole. From what you've said they sound amazing - what would have happened if they didn't take you in and raise you? Would you have gone into the care system?

You owe a lot to these people - it takes a huge amount to a raise a child that isn't your own. Also I don't see them not telling you that your mum remarried into a family with other kids as a huge deal - presumably your mum didn't invite you to the wedding or want you to be part of her new life? In that case your aunt and uncle were likely protecting you. Don't cut off the people who have selflessly shown you love.

I have a close girlfriend who was brought up by her father, 50years ago that was very unusual.

Her parents were both very young, and her mother ran off, years later, her mother confessed she couldn’t cope with the enormity of it all.

When my friend was a teenager, living a very frugal life, no money etc, she used to dream about her mother apparently.

Years later, by chance met her half sister and the meeting of her mother etc went well for a few months, but things were said, the mother tried to rewrite history, sadly for her mother her daughter knew things she was saying was not true.

Dont write anyone off, people do things, not always rightly, but in difficult circumstances such as these, decisions are made, and I know from being one, to having one, teenage girls aren’t as angelic as they like to think :-)