Not wanting to talk to my Aunt and Uncle anymore

[candragonsbepurple]

When I was a child, I was primarily raised by my Aunt and Uncle. I dont know what happened to my Dad but my Mum had boyfriend after boyfriend when I was a child up until I was eighteen and moving away from my hometown for college/University.

My Uncle and Aunt kept a secret from me - my Mum remarried when I was twelve and has four stepsons - One of whom has just got in contact with me on Facebook asking if I was my Mother's daughter. He said she wanted to get in contact and I said I'd think about it.

I know my Answer's going to be "No" straight off the bat, I don't want to be in her life after she abandoned me as a kid. I'm not even sure I want to be in my Aunt and Uncle's lives anymore and I can't help but think going NC would be best for me. They said they kept it secret because they knew I'd "act out" which is weird because I wasn't a kid who often acted out. I was only ever really moody and naughty as a child on the rare occasions that I was sick

AIBU in cutting them and my Mum off for a while.

I dont really see what your aunt and uncle have done wrong

@cannonballz - Would you like to be kept in the dark after your Mum neglected you? I'd have liked a heads up a lot sooner than getting a random message on Facebook after nearly twenty years

Would you knowing that your mum remarried have in any way, changed anything? Would you have wanted contact with her knowing this? Would it have caused you hurt and distress that she had become part of another family after neglecting you? Did she want you to be part of that family at the time?
You seem to be aiming your anger at the wrong people here.

Seeing as your Aunt and Uncle have hidden things from you I would at least listen to what your Mum has to say even if you don't want to respond

They didn’t know what to do for the best. They raised you when your parents neglected you. You sound ungrateful and tbh id recommend therapy.

I think more. Information is needed because it IS relevant.
Were you happy? Loved by your aunt and uncle?

It's difficult because it must hurt and I understand you will feel let down that they knew this and didn't tell you.

However if they raised you with love, and you eventually had a happy childhood aside from your mums neglect... I wouldn't cut them aside at all. It takes a lot to raise a child.
Let them know your feelings but don't treat them the same as your mum.... they stepped up

How would it have helped you as a child to know your mum had left you, but was happy to be part of a new family?

Your Aunt and Uncle took in a child they didn't choose to conceive, but they parented you anyway and they probably did the best they could.
And you want to cut them off because they made a parenting decision that you disagree with?
Whether it was the right or wrong choice is neither here nor there - parents have to make decisions all the time and do the best they can with the information they have available at the time. Probably they thought it was best for you not to know.

I think you don't cut off your 'parents' over this. Maybe look into getting some therapy to help you come to terms with your childhood.

AIBU in cutting them and my Mum off for a while

1. Go ahead but no contact can go both ways, don’t expect that your aunt & uncle will necessarily allow you back into their lives. You can’t say “for a while” as if you’re the only one who has any say
2. What do you mean cut your mum off? You said she remarried 20 years ago & you’ve only just found out so aren’t you already cut off from her?

I understand how you feel but you are only feeling your side of it (understandably)

I worked with a woman who had been given to her grandparents to raise because her mother wasn't in the right place to raise her at the time

When she was about 10 her mother remarried and had further children. My colleague would get calls from her mother at things like Christmas to wish her a happy Christmas but then her mum would tell her all the things she was doing with her "family" but never made a push to get my colleague back living with her

I think your Aunt and Uncle didn't have a right or wrong path here, either was fraught. They probably thought they were making the best decision they could at the time.

Were your Aunt and Uncle abusive or neglectful? If they were not, I think that they may have made a mistake, a human one where they thought they were doing the right thing. They are not responsible for your mother and fathers poor life choices. They may have just done their best.

Oh ffs, she doesn't sound ungrateful. What an unhelpful and unkind thing to say.

You do you. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, I say do what makes you happy. Ive learnt that recently. I was pretty much brought up by grandparents. My mum passed and my dad really tried but still. I recently bought my own house so don't have as much free time as before and my grandma tells everyone I don't speak to her. Well you know what I now only speak to her went needed, I dont need that stress in my life. And she has started ignoring my messages

How were your aunt and uncle? Loving? Kind? Did their best for you? If not then fine cut them out. Otherwise they have done nothing wrong.

Some of the responses on this thread are horrible. OP was abandoned by her birthday parent and has just found out her aunt and uncle have been lying to her for a couple of decades. Is she just supposed to be grateful and have no questions about that?

OP I understand this is a lot. It might be better just to take some time out from aunt and uncle to try and get your head together. Counselling is probably a very good idea. You don't need to make any decisions right now. If mum wants contact she can wait.

I agree. If this is the only reason you want to cut your aunt and uncle off then thats strange and I don’t understand why you’d do it. Also don’t expect to just cut people off “for a while”, that’s not how healthy relationships work and don’t be surprised if you do that they’ll want to go NC with you, permanently.

Maybe they felt telling you your mum had remarried & had a new family, when she'd abandoned you, would be a cruel & hurtful thing for you to hear.

It could be as time passed they felt the moment had passed to tell you

If they brought you up in a loving home then going NC seems an over reaction. By all means let them know you're hurt but just remember they probably did what they thought was best

Going NC 'for a while' is a risky move. If they're hurt by you doing it, they may not be there for you when you go back to them

Be an adult. Talk to them

I think that’s harsh on your Aunt and Uncle. They made a mistake (in your eyes) but does that really outweigh everything else? None of us are perfect and it sounds like they tried to do what was right.

There's a whole barrowful of hurt here.

Let Aunt and Uncle know you need some space for a while to process everything.

Your lack of gratitude towards the spoke that raised you is staggering.

Assuming they treated you well growing up and there’s no drip feed. Yes you are unreasonable to cut them out.

It's a stepson who wants to get in touch

It was not your Aunt and Uncle's place to tell you that your mother remarried.

Your anger should be towards your mother.

Yes, you may need some time out to process the news but the only person you should be cutting out is your mother.

Of course you are hurt, however I wouldn't make any rash decisions on the back of that hurt.
How have your Aunt and Uncle treated you over the years that they stepped into support you as a child?
If they have been kind and decent I would suggest you throw them a little slack.
Perhaps consider getting some therapy to help you navigate all of this.

I think cutting out an aunt and uncle that raised you because they didn't tell you something that would have been hurtful is really ungrateful to be honest.
They did their best for you, and you sound quite immature because you don't seem to have realised yet that no adult is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

Your mum perhaps made more than most but you are still holding everyone else to an unachievable standard.

You say you were only moody/naughty when sick?
Strange because my teens are the opposite but regardless I doubt your recollection....either way that doesn't stop them thinking not telling you was for the best.

You need to talk to your Aunt & Uncle - or whichever of them is your mum’s sibling - and tell them you are upset to have found out this way, and do not understand why it is so

But, assuming they treated you kindly , think very carefully before you cut them off. They are not your parents so they may not feel they can forgive you anything . It may be clumsy wording , but I think they might expect you to be grateful for your upbringing .

It was good of your aunt and uncle to step in and raise you. I'm sure with the way your mother was, it was difficult for them to decide what to tell you and what to keep secret.