DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Seriously, forget about what he wants from you. What he wants prioritises himself in all situations and at all times, so putting your children and you last. And even then you’d not measure up to his whims and demands.

You already know this. You been there before - so with conversations you get nowhere other than dizzy going round and round and round. Until you acquiesce, again, and believe that you have some kind of enlightenment, that you understand him better and know what to do to not rock the boat. Yet, here you both are again, on another page of the same story.

Don't waste your energy on trying to move forward or trying to get him to move out. Engaging is destructive for you, as it keeps you in his toxic headspace.

Focus on getting yourself better and caring for your DC. No need to be hostile, but if he won’t leave, fine. No need to debate or argue about it, just get on with your priorities - you and your children. If he tries to engage, calmly and simply say “I’d like you to leave” and say that and nothing more Every Single Time. If he tries to tell you what to do/not do, simply say “I dont need your permission.”

The time for conversation can be some point in the future, when YOU feel ready to, perhaps once your head’s less congested and you have a clearer idea about how you want to approach the discussion and what outcome you want, but for now, please take care of you.

Sorry that you’re in this situation.

If he won't take a 'temp' seperation, and I am betting he won't, then you could seperate within the home, but this has to be done properly, legally, and you need to follow through with legal action - it's not something you can do half heartedly.
Your option is to go on the way you are.

Not all stations are manned. I used to catch the first train for my commute and it was not uncommon to see those who had missed the last train curled up in the shelters.

I confess I’m not buying it in this instance though.

Nobody begrudges their partner going out, having a good time, and if they get too drunk or too caught up partying to even stay the night with a friend instead of coming home stinking of booze and waking the whole house up.. But the lack of contact/communication is the height of disrespect. Been there, done it. You swing from panicking and worrying that something horrendous has happened to being hurt and angry that they think it's totally acceptable to be awol like this while you're at home with their children. There's only two ways it can go, either he accepts his behaviour is out of order and at least agrees to communicate or you stop allowing yourself to be disrespected. But I would imagine you've already told him this behaviour upsets you and he has taken no notice of your feelings on the matter.

Despite everything else awful about this man and his terrible treatment of you, I can't understand why any man would go out drinking and leave his partner and 6 month old home WITH COVID!!!!

He wants you to carry on being a doormat.

How you can make him happier?

What about how he can check in to family life and not desert his children when he feels like being single? He has a family and it's not ok to pretend he doesn't. You are not the only one responsible for the kids.

I stopped reading at “cry me a f*ing river”.
He’s treating you with contempt.

You look like you are looking for evidence that he’s cheating.
Tou don’t need to. He’s already giving you the behaviour that people fear most about cheating: unreliable, you are obviously not his priority and on top of that he’s hurtful.

You know what the answer is. You know what you would say if it was someone else posting here. You know what you need to do.

Exactly. When you are separated, he will at least have to look after the kids half the time.

Oh OP. A wonderful life is just round the corner, and you know it. The moment you disconnect yourself from this awful piece of shit you will blossom into life.

When you realise his needs wants aren't your problem, when you realise YOU deserve to be happy, when you realise just how badly he's been treating you because he can. He won't stop, because abusers like this only care about themselves.

You've one sentence now, on repeat. ,,"I'd like you to leave now" until he finally gets the message. It took my exH about 3 weeks to finally fuck off, bit he did

Get your ducks in a row, find your anger at how badly he's treated you and now build a better life for you and your babies that doesn't involve you being constantly abused by this cock.

You've got this. Thousands of women before you, and thousands after will escape to the sunny uplands of the other side

Oh my god. I am really sorry you are going through this op. I have a baby and I felt so stressed just reading what you are going through.
You are living with an immature bully (best scenario) or a manipulative sadist (worse scenario) , please find a way to not be around him...you need your mental health both for yourself and your little ones. He will destroy you mentally and physically.
I cannot imagine he helps you with the kids at all if he left you and the baby with covid and a toddler on top of it for an entire night and doesn't feel the need to check up on you. The fact he is not even answering the calls is just pure evil.
I don't know if you are financially totally dependant in him, hope not...but...please just stop talking to him, stop looking at him, stop cooking for him, washing, take care of yourself and your kids, and just pretend he is not around because you can not count on him. This is so horrible, I have no words...

@OneNeatAzureEagle you need to start your own thread

I’m sorry OP that you found yourself in such situation. You are not overreacting, and your DH is disrespectful. He left you with Covid alone with two young kids for a night out, and did not bother to come back home; find a phone to call you and now playing the victim. No matter how hard it is, you have to take a break from this relations. For your own sake and your young children.

The amount of gaslighting he's doing is hideous! Absolutely hideous OP! Anyone with a perfectly good marriage to a perfectly normal and responsible man would lose their shit if their husband pissed off for 24 hours, with no contact, leaving them to look after a small child and baby, whilst also ill. For them not to be extremely sheepish and apologetic and vow to never do this again is remarkable.
I do not believe for 1 minute that he slept at the train station and then went back to his brothers because you had locked him out! That's absolute nonsense! He surely would have come home and knocked on the door and asked to be let in.

He is clearly struggling with the responsibility of being a dad and husband. However, as their mother, you don't get a choice! You have to stick it out and don't have the luxury of swanning off.

Do not ask him if he wants to go for a walk to chat about him or suggest that he moves out. You tell him that you need space and that he needs to be the one to leave. Tell him that if he is responsible and grown up, then he will at least do that as the alternative is that you will have to leave which means uprooting the children and that that would be a selfish thing to do.

Honestly, this is not normal behaviour..it will not improve, unless perhaps you are absolutely clear over your expectations (which he will no doubt resent you for and blame you further for driving him away). Keep calm and succinct. The less you say, the less he can come back with. Do not let him blame you for not listening to him about how he feels. Did he give a shit about how you felt last night whilst looking after a baby, exhausted and unwell with no help and the additional stress of wondering whether he was lying dead in a gutter somewhere or was in hospital? Did he offer to have a sit down with you so that you could let him know how you were feeling? No of course he bloody didn't. This manchild expected you to listen to him whine on how much of a victim he is, so that he can deflect and blame it on you. You're his partner and the mother of his children! You're not the mother of a stroppy immature teenager.

I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a boyfriend in my 20s let alone from my husband who I have children with.

Lavender 14, much as she should be able to change the locks, and physically can, it puts her in a shit position when she has to let him back in.
He owns the house along with her.
She is not the only one who can get a decent solicitor, and he probably has the financial resources.
I am not suggesting that she moves out, I certainly would not, but OP needs legal advice and and to make any actions legal and foolproof, rather than 'chucking him out'.

F

OP, you have a CHOICE as to whether you want to be with that kind of man/partner or not.

Some here would put up with that kind of behaviour and some wouldn't. You need to decide what your own boundaries are. It sounds like you don't want to put up with it and you don't have to.

He's a gas-lighting man child. You're not his Mother so you don't have to put up with his petulant shit.

And as for his actual Mother giving you grief - tell her to fuck right off, too! He is obviously used to spinning situations to make him look like the wronged party but his actions are very immature and inconsiderate.

Please leave him. Don’t accept any more of this behaviour. You are better than that and deserve so much more. More likely than not he’s a cheat as well as a disgusting excuse for a man.

I think what he wants is for you to have no needs, to be available for him when he wants sex or housekeeping services and raise your children single-handed.

If i could be bothered, i would also be phoning his brother to ask what went on and why didn't you let him borrow your phone so that he could contact me. And why didn't you call him an uber or offer to help him get home, instead of letting him sleep at the train station all night! (Which is obviously a lie). I would be trying to get him to see the extent of your partners lies. And i'd want to get to the bottom of it. But then i am also not unwell with a small child and a baby. And in reality it really doesn't matter where he was, or what he did and with whom. He could have been snorting cocaine whilst shagging someone else. Or he could have actually (unlikely as it is) been asleep at the train station. But it really doesn't matter. Because even if his version is entirely true, what he has done is such a complete and total betrayal, so immature and so disrespectful that anything else hardly makes a difference anyway. He has crossed a boundary and that is enough.

You now have 2 choices...to give him the benefit of the doubt, bend over backwards to try and make things work, suppress your own needs and wishes...until the next time that he does this or, you could just save yourself the bother, cut him loose and get on with your life and increase the chances of you actually meeting someone decent a few years down the track. As hard as it is, staying will only cause greater misery in the long run unless he has some sort of epiphany.

Sending you a big hug OP to be ill and dealing with this crap just shows what a truly bottom of the shoe husband he is behaving like.

It's not about making him happier it's about you and your children having stability and he's showing none of that. He should leave because its him causing this with his actions. Agree it sounds like he is on a coke comedown.

Haven't rtft only op's posts but it does sound like coke bender. Been sat in one of his scummy mates getting off his head. Tell him you want him drug tested.