DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Sounds like he’s taking drugs to me.
That over bouyant mood and being over the top.

Opiates, Cocaine or E can have this effect.

Be very wary .

Arsehole.( Him)

With the comment from his mother the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

He needs a sharp shock. Rope in your dad. But you need to step up for your kids. Either accept this is your life forever or give him a kick up the arse and see whether he can grow up instantly.

It would be over for me. It's not just last night.

Are you overreacting? No, you are under-reacting.

A lot of red flags here. I wouldn’t trust him.

The way he's speaking to you sounds very much like hes coming off a coke bender,

I’m wondering about drugs too.
Will never be able to prove anything though.
I know for a fact he was with certain friends, so wasn’t off to meet an OW. That’s not to say he didn’t meet someone as night unfolded though.
he has always had issues with knowing when enough is enough and it’s time to call it a night.

I've been there. It was cocaine that was keeping him out all night. No respect for me at all. Leave him now before you're world falls further apart

You can tell though. Glassy eyed after. If you've access to bank account to look for certain withdrawal amounts/times.

Sorry you went through it. 💐
Sad to see in the comments how many women have experienced the same thing.

Suggested he goes to stay somewhere for a short while. It turned into a conversation about how I can make him happier. He asked me why he should “suffer” by being made to go stay somewhere else. I don’t know what he wants from me.

OP, are you thinking of suggesting a trial separation in the hopes that it shocks him into good behaviour? Or to make for an easier exit? If its the former I'm sorry to say that he's not going to change if you've already been through this before and he's returned to the same behaviour.

I'd bet good money on it being coke. It doesn't really matter though, he choose to leave you with young kids when you were sick. He choose not to get in touch. He choose to blame it on you when you eventually had to lock up.

He might say you don't let him say how he feels, but to be honest his actions say it all for him anyway.

Because he made you suffer last night? That's a good reason why he should go. Because the baby needs to be in his/her home and since it sounds like you're doing everything for the baby anyway so you two should stay. It sounds like he doesn't want to be at home anyway so why shouldn't he leave?

Did he talk about you in any of this apart from what you've done 'wrong'? Did ask what he can do to make you happier?

OP, this is all about him and what he wants. Nothing about you or your child.

It all me,me,me.
I hate the prick and obviously I don't know him.
I feel for you op having this useless article in your life.

I know 2 women who are having the exact same problems. Both of the men are regularly doing coke.

He is already happy. He is doing whatever he likes.

You, my flower, are not happy.

And I’m not that sure he will ever make you happy. Not really.

It is all about his happiness. Not yours. Not your bairns.

You alone hold that in your hands.

I do wish people would stop saying 'throw him out' 'change the locks' 'put his stuff out' .
He is her husband. Presumably they own the house together. She can not do any of these things, any more than he can do them to her. He has every right to enter the home whenever he wishes, and this arse will probably cause her as much aggravation as he can, if she tries to block access.
Why should she leave her home ,especially with 2 kids in tow?
OP would be far better off without him, but it has to be done legally. Best course right now is to agree to him going on a trial seperation, and keep it going while she gets legal assistance to end this farce of a marriage.

Urine tests....buyable from Ebay. For cocaine metabolites.
If he won't do a fresh urine test in front of you {using fresh pee} he's hiding something.

Call his bluff...

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/280689726483?itmmeta=01HYV3M14A07BQS6WQZ6H0Z53M&hash=item415a695413:g:liIAAOSwa7FfOoel&itmprp=enc%3AAQAJAAAA8JtEkCMQBDQFqVxFMqn1X1kiQf6C3duw7aXJsUK0N5KQDnxajdPsBcmv5lH%2BISjyao1NtPpPuBebgLCJUSeyF9cYLRywycJB%2FIWAUfxF3SaOyeZ2cr4a6W%2FhvWABAhygFAPnenhux0LJaJqSAN9B8fGgUVtWzgnsH6lTYcPPGUMFTQkER9ShBT%2BwR1P00SXoXl1VqBP86LYQCshVo1IYiYsml%2FwF5pL5Ayw65MmBsrc4DJcMcq2awBuv3uhvK1L845qcMhL6Kl8v7LoBIU6fNWYtRNFhujprlQ03jKtycG4LLkt8XP77obm7y6Z1lzI4pA%3D%3D%7Ctkp%3ABFBMtpLQ4Zj

Well he stayed somewhere else last night, that didn’t make him unhappy…

It doesn’t matter what he wants from you. What matters is what his family need from him. Reliability, that’s what. Is he prepared to give that, even if he feels ‘unhappy’? No? Off he fucks then.

Honestly OP, I had one like this. A waste of space. Wish I’d got rid of him sooner than I did.

You're not responsible for his happiness.

If he is unhappy he needs to use his big boy words and discuss it with you.

Does he take cocaine? Makes them obnoxious nasty pricks too!
Bin him.

Oh OP please don't be sorry that I've gone through this, be happy that I found my self respect and now have a partner (5 years now) that lives and most importantly respects me. I spent 11 years wondering where he was, cruising his pals houses at four in the morning wondering if was there(seeing if there were signs of a party,) him telling me I was fucking crazy, he deserved a night out (every month to be out for three days). Please? I beg you, don't let this happen to you. It will, it can only get worse x

. He asked me why he should “suffer” by being made to go stay somewhere else. I don’t know what he wants from me.

What he wants is to do exactly as he chooses while blaming you for his bad behaviour, while you tie yourself in knots working out what you can do about it.

They don't just let people sleep at train stations anyway any more do they? They don't at ours.

"Because we need to be apart right now and since I'm sure you don't want to uproot the children, this is the only way to do it".

"I don’t know what he wants from me."

Op in truth it sounds like he wants it exactly as it is. He can swan in and out of the home and his responsibilities as he feels like it. He can go out, get hammered, spend a fortune on himself and do god knows what else as and when he feels like it because he knows you're there to pick up the pieces and keep things running. Then he can eventually turn up and avoid taking any responsibility by gaslighting you and turning this into a YOU problem when it's very very clearly a him problem. And since this has happened repeatedly, he knows there's no consequences to any of it. I agree I think being nice and lovely and giving you flowers etc was him love bombing you so he could use it to manipulate and gaslight you later.

Op this man will slowly eat away at your self esteem. He'll never change because right now this suits him, he knows exactly what he's doing. At 36 he knows that leaving his wife and small baby and other child home alone sick to go on a bender and avoid his phone is the wrong thing to do. He's doing it because that's what he wants to do. It's cruel and callous and you deserve SO much better.

What you're describing is emotional abuse and you'd be entitled to support from womens aid.

Is the house in your name? Do you have your own bank account with money he can't touch in it? If your name is on the property then I'd be waiting until he went out for a prolonged time and then getting an emergency locksmith in to change the locks and leaving his stuff outside. I know that sounds harsh but honestly, someone who's that manipulative and narcissistic isn't ever going to have a fair or honest or accountable conversation with you. So all you can do is decide what you want for your life. Is it this - because he'll only get worse not better in which case just keep doing what you're doing, or if you want better then you need to take action and cut him out . You've two kids who are going to look to you to see what a healthy relationship is like, I understand not wanting to break up their family but at the end of the day he's the one doing that, you're just showing them how to stick up for themselves and promote healthy boundaries.

@gardenmusic Op can absolutely change the locks and deal with the legal fallout later with a good solicitor who understands domestic abuse. He's abusing her and her right to keep herself safe outweighs his right to swan in and out of the house as he sees fit. It doesn't matter who's name is on the deeds. Do you really think he'll leave himself homeless or renting or will he try to force out Op and her children? She shouldn't be afraid to stand her ground to keep a roof over her and her children's heads. Op the only reason I wouldn't change the locks is if the house is in his name only.