DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Sorry, but it's never just coke. There's usually OW there in the background too.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Are you seriously asking yourself this??? Your husband is an absolute prick. A serious talk is in order. The kind where you do the talking and he does the listening. No husband/family man disappears like that. It sounds like it's way past time for an ultimatum, but you have to give one and ask the hard question: are you in or out?
It's trite, but get your ducks in a row and be ready to swiftly follow through when he fucks off again. Set a good example for you dc. Show some self respect. Don't beg, plead, compromise or cry. Tell him what you want, or to pack up and leave.

I don’t know what he wants from me.

I do. Allow me...

He wants you to shut up and put up with whatever shit he does without a murmur. He wants you to be grateful that he comes home at all. He wants you to think that a bunch of flowers and some meaningless words should mean you think what a great guy he is and how lucky you are. He wants you to become a shell of yourself, do all the domestic work and end up with no self esteem. Then you won't stand up to him but will meekly accept whatever he dishes out.

And I may have mentioned this already - He wants you to shut up and put up with whatever shit he does without a murmur.

Please don't be what he wants you to be. Please don't give him what he wants from you.

OP,

He’s gaslighting you. He’s going AWOL and he has 2 DC under 4. He’s either got an OW, which TBH, his guilt flowers and happy behaviour point in that direction, or he’s on drugs. Either way he’s a useless piece of shit.

Get your parents on standby to help you.

You don’t debate back and forth with him. He’s a useless piece of shit. Make notes of his behaviour, and TELL him to get out. Tell him you’re done, and not interested in listening to his bullshit.

First of all move any paperwork and valuables to your parents for safekeeping.
He’s going to get nasty.
He will definitely turn it all on you.
I wouldn’t even bother with a conversation.
He’s just a horrible person.

You're not overacting at all, he's been awful. I think you need to decide if you actually want to remain in the relationship or not!

If you do, you'll need to open your mind to hearing about why he's unhappy, and try to improve it (and he will need to listen to you as well!).

It sounds like you are both angry/frustrated and are trying to make each other hear what you need to say. But while you're both engulfed by your own feelings, you can't hear each other.

Don’t do this to your children - think about them if you don’t want to think about you. Don’t stay with a man who doesn’t want you NOR your children. And check yourself for STIs.

'It sounds like you are both angry/frustrated and are trying to make each other hear what you need to say. But while you're both engulfed by your own feelings, you can't hear each other.'

Most of us can hear loud and clear what he is saying!

Thanks all for the advice and helping me see clearly. I don’t feel angry anymore really, just sad because I know there’s almost certainly more (unforgivable) stuff going on. Going to try catch up on some sleep now.

I had this with my DH for nigh on 15 years when my DCx3 were all young. Was made to feel it was my fault no time for DH because of DC’s took me a while but eventually got the courage to pack his bags and turf him out of my life. Best thing I ever did as he had undermined and battered my self confidence for years. It was bloody tough but I am a stronger person without him and determined to get on with my life . P.S he has pleaded on several occasions to come back but I couldn’t / wouldn’t have him back in a million heartbeats. Stay strong and take care

I’d let him speak his mind about how he feels, but in my mind already be one foot out the door.
I’d do active listening (repeat what he says with your own words) so that he feels validated (on the off chance that there’s anything logical behind this).

Tell him you’ll also have to tell him how you feel, but you’ll do that another time. This time is his.

When you tell him your feelings, try to use the techniques of nonviolent communication (there’s an excellent book) which offers fewer possibilities for criticism on his end.

But with that I don’t want to suggest to try to reconcile. Something is incredibly rotten here. I don’t see much chance for this to be reparable. So the kindness I suggest to offer is for your own peace of mind and for the sake of a civil co-parenting.

What you are experiencing is the most excruciating form of emotional torture.

Can you suggest you both go to counselling to see if that would help ? Is he saying he is unhappy in his marriage and it's all your fault ? He either does/doesn't want to be married to you - or is it that he wants to be married but also lead a single live and you should stay home & shut up ?

Pack his bags. Lock the door. When he knocks hand over his bags. Don't forget to smile. Cry when the doors closed.

I did exactly this to my child's father for something far less than your selfish turd has done. He sounds filthy horrid. Total disregard for you.

He will not expect you to be so brave. He believes your are completely weak.. be strong you sound lovely. Good luck.

Hope you get some rest. Having young children plus Covid is bad enough let alone your DH’s shenanigans.
What a very difficult situation. It doesn’t seem possible for him to see his own actions very clearly and nor does he want to. He already has a narrative constructed in his mind that he is sticking to - that you are the problem and it’s your job to make him happier by not bothering him with parenting responsibilities when he goes off on his AWOL benders.

Honestly, I would stop talking to him and asking him questions for your sanity. It’s too far gone. It’s time to let your parents and friends know everything so that you get support from them with a view to eventually leaving him.
If I was your parent I would be wanting to help you and the grand babies, especially if it does turn out to be cocaine that you are dealing with.

This woman has 2 kids under 4 she is singlehandedly taking care of, while cleaning and cooking for a manchild who is mentally abusing her.
May I ask where do you suggest she finds time for counselling sessions, or more importantly where does she find the energy for the soul draining conversations where she will not only have to convince herself but also the counsellor that she is not absolutely crazy and with an amnesia. Instead of spending invaluable time with her little ones she would be listening to this horrendous man twisting every single scenario she dares to mention during these sessions.

I understand you are coming from a good place and are thinking about saving a marriage here, and allowing 2 children to have a functioning family. But please read her post again.

She was left alone with covid to take care of an ebf baby with covid for a night - so he could party. He did not answer her calls all night and didn't come home almost 24 hours. He is now blaming her - taking the only thing she could think of - threatening to lock the doors- to turn it against her. He is now the offended one, the one who is suffering. The one who was out partying and not answering the phone is now suffering and this woman is wondering if she is overreacting ?!?
Can you not see she lost so much confidence already, this man is on a mission to destroy her mentally... Why on earth would you send her back to him...

I had this with an ex when I was much younger. Thankfully we didn't have children together so I could make a clean break. His was cocaine benders. Sounds exactly like your partner - overly nice before he went out, blanking phone, angry and all my fault when he deigned to reappear. Then it would be followed by huge remorse, threatening suicide, couldn't live without me.
If he's still doing it now you've got children, nothing will stop. Every time you forgive him you're giving him permission to do it again. It's horrible and I feel for you, you've got to leave him or decide that you'll put up with it. I've had friends who've done the latter, 15 years down the line they're still putting up with it from their 45 year old plus husbands.

So he didn't want you to lock the doors@Roonil overnight with a baby and small child in the house? Why did he not have keys?

That's a truly pathetic attempt at making you the bad guy. Is that the best he can come up with? That you secured the house when you went to bed?

Don’t put yourself through any more of this shit. See a solicitor, hide your car keys, don’t let him take any of your shared assets. You can discuss you staying in the house-ask the solicitor about an occupation order.

I mean besides all the rest anyone that sends me a response saying "cry me a fucking river" is gone. I can't understand why you are still tolerating him? I see it in real life too and I am just dumbfounded by how little some women value themselves.

Hi OP, I haven't had time to read all the responses (but I've read all of your posts). Just wanted to offer strength and solidarity- I've been there, got the t-shirt. He used to wait until I'd gone to sleep and then go out. Never knew where he'd gone, but now he's my ex so I don't care- just happy I don't have to deal with that shit any more!

You can end a marriage purely on the basis you’ve come to the realisation your partner is an arsehole. You don’t need to wait for a single exceptionally awful event like an affair to happen first….

He’s confusing her and making her doubt herself, her feelings of reality.
Classic gaslighting.
If they’d been together for 10 years hes had plenty of time to get in her head. I am actually surprised that OP is still so clear in her mind as she sounds after 10 years of this .

It seems to all be about what he wants and needs and nothing about you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Well don’t sympathise then but no need to stick your judgement on here and make somebody who’s in a shit situation feel worse.
Unless of course you need that to make herself feel better? 🤑