DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Have you asked him if he has ever, even once, thought to ask how you feel? Or wondered about it. Or is it all (it is) about just him and his feelings? Why do his feelings mean he can treat you like shit?

He's not going to change, OP.

He’s clearly checked out OP. I’m a strong believer in you’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. You need to take control of the situation. Tell him you are no longer tolerating this lack of respect and responsibility, and he needs to step up or it’s time to call it a day. His behaviour, especially where he is goading you into admitting you have locked him out and made a decision on your relationship, sounds like he wants you to be the bad guy here so he can absolve himself of ending things. Could be that something is happening in his life atm that you’re not aware of, ie an affair.

You've already told him his behaviour isn't acceptable and is that of a single person, not a family man with kids, and yet he has done it again and behaves like a single bloke with no commitments.

I'd tell him you need some space and time to think and ask him to move out for a couple of weeks.

My ex was like this, all lovey dovey in the week then come Thurs/Fri would start some bullshit argument & walk out ‘because he couldn’t deal with me when I’m like this’ then would disappear all weekend & the cycle started again. I had to make the decision to leave as I didn’t want my son to think this was how you treated your partner (his dad was the same with his mum but his mum always talked me into believing it was me causing the issues & just to leave him to it as he was like his dad). Years later he admitted to me that he did it all because he knew he could get away with it, that I’d be pissed off but wouldn’t actually leave him as he knew I wanted our son to have both parents unlike me that had an awful step dad (and I took him back before when he was on best behaviour for a while). Sadly he doesn’t sound like he’s fully in & he’s gaslighting you to think it’s your fault he’s acting like this. You need to really think about what you want for the rest of your life & if this is what you want your kids to think is a relationship

That's such a horrible and unhelpful thing to say. Feel better now? Just being honest eh?

You know what? Unless you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes or you have kindness in your heart, you would not be coming out with bollocks comments like this.

Why Comment? You aren’t helping op at all and unpleasant people on here is not what she needs right now.

He appears to constantly go on the attack, turn things around to make it about you when the conversations need to be about his behaviour and choices.

Which tells me he's a gaslighting arsehole who wants you to either put up with it or do the dirty work of ending the relationship (he's pushed you to end to be the bad guy).

I'd tell him to get to fuck.

Feel kinda worried for you tbh. My ex did sane. Started day DS was born and after three day labour he went on a bender god knows where. I dug in and stayed and the relationship didn't end well at all and I can see this going the same way. I regret every second I gave this person. Give yourself some space and a friendly ear to help you see it rationally. You are not being unreasonable.

He doesn't give a shit about you and the kids, does he? I couldn't and wouldn't put up with this.

Sorry I sound blunt because I'm so angry at him on your behalf. 💐 For you OP. It's horrible.

This.
Sorry but his messages to you smack of this.
Whether it’s a woman, drugs or trying to really put you down it’s unacceptable.
Find a good lawyer, serve him divorce papers.

He wants you to split with him so he can act "surprised", "last thing I did was give her flowers".

I would gather together important stuff and hide it then get it out of the house. The dump him.

My ex did this too. It was a long time ago.
It was so he could reframe his dishonesty and blame me for the choices he was making. In my case I found out he was taking drugs.
Rather than blame himself, he will tell himself you are pushing him into his behaviour.

Cut your losses op, he has no respect for you and does not care enough to be a decent parent. He needs to move out.

Sounds like my ex too. Coke and women and wanting to live the single life but with muggins at home with the kids and keeping the house nice.

He'd be all happy and kind before a big night out too. 🙄 Any complaints from me he'd start with a list of why I was such a terrible partner. 😡😡 When I was actually far too tolerant. The last time he started on the list I just agreed he sounded terribly unhappy and told him to leave.

My suspicions around another woman were accurate too not that he ever admitted it. 🙄

OP I hope you and baby feel better soon.

I'd suggest disengage, focus on feeling better. When you are, get legal advice on the housing, finances, etc. I'd also suggest chatting to women's aid and your health visitor about the emotional abuse. What he did to you while you were struggling with pnd is despicable. Send any important paperwork of yours and the kids to your parents for now for them to look after for you.

I would also pack up important belongings, documents etc and store them elsewhere. Put passports away. Change passwords and get some legal advice.

I also suspected he wanted me to end it and be the baddy but I just got to a point where I didn't give a fuck. He put on a front with everyone pretending I'd callously kicked him out and he was clueless as to why. 🙄😡 But those that mattered had the measure of him.

He wants to be single. Fine, there's the door. Fuck off.

'We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years),'

.....

Sadly, you made a bad judgement call to have children with a selfish moron.

No relationship should be about having to forgive him a lot and put up with bad treatment.

He's a useless role model to your children.

There is no point staying together as he won't change.

If having a wife and then children hasn't made him grow up, what will?

We could have such a lovely life if he’d just be a partner

And I'd be a millionaire if I had a million pounds.

His mum came ound last tune to give you shit because she doesn't want him living with her.

He acts as he likes and then does the necessary amount of apologising to make sure he can carry on with his cushy life.

If you'd left 2 years ago you would probably be having a lovely Bank Holiday without this shit. If you stay you'll have another shitty bank holiday as he just sees them as a chance to get pissed up.

You tried to marry a nice nan to have kids. It's not your fault he isn't that man. Its your life and its so easy to say leave. But honestly, from over here it's so obvious to see the negative patterns if behaviour. Been there, done it, thankfully no kids from that relationship. Wishing you the best of luck xx

Forget him fucking off for hours for a moment, you need to focus on his words to you. He only responded when you said you'd lock the door then took the piss with his cry me a river. He has zero respect for you. If you want respect you know what to do.

Then why post? What has happened to you that you think that was a vital thing to say to a woman in crisis?

We could have such a lovely life if he’d just be a partner

Yes you could. But you need a lovely man for that and he isn’t.

Oh OP, I could almost have written this exact scenario - right down to the flowers, when my kids were the age yours are now. I eventually found out that my now (thank fuck) ExH, was dabbling with cocaine, ecstasy, other women, and prostitutes when on various 'stag dos' at that time. He always loved a drink and a party, as did I, but I was never into drugs and was rather naive looking back. They don't change if they have these traits. They lie and lie, and gaslight you making you think it's your fault. It's not. It's also mental torture having to co-parent with men who have these traits. My ExH became utterly psychopathic during the divorce, but I am proud to say, with my family's (and a wonderful GP's) support, I did survive, and I remarried to a man who actually loves me. My children are also high achievers and kind, moral people (I didn't tell them too much about out split until they were much, much, older and obviously they do love their dad, so I had to be careful what I said. Good luck. See you GP for meds if you need them to get you through. Exercise if you can. You will be OK.

OP - I don’t know any married men with babies and small children who make a habit of going AWOL overnight. It isn’t normal whatever he says and if he was sleeping at the station where were his friends?! I don’t buy it for one moment.

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. He sounds immature and selfish and the more you put up with it the worse he will treat you.

Don’t mention ‘trial’ - say you want to seperate. You are on your own anyway. Your kids are better off with a happy and secure mum. I’d be off if he doesn’t leave. Proper child access can be organised with a solicitor in the future.

You can do better than this. Don’t accept second best. Life is very short.