DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Drugs and or playing away too. What an arsehole.

I had one like this but thankfully never had children with him because I knew he would never grow up and I'd be sitting here writing your post. He's a wanker and he won't change.

Although I do allow myself a wry smile at all those men who don’t want to look like the ‘bad one’ for ending their relationships.

Everyone with eyes already know they are holes of the highest order.

He doesn't want to be a dad, he wants to be a lad but he hasn't got the balls to walk away because he doesn't want people to think bad of him so he is going to push you into ending the relationship. So today you make sure everyone knows he didn't come home last night, didn't contact you and gave you abuse when he finally saw fit to come home.
Get everything in order and take half the money out of the accounts. You will be on your own soon enough.

You are already a single parent living with their father once you get your head around this you will have the strength to tell him to fuck right off.
No decent father would have gone out in the first place when you and their baby are sick and the rest of his behaviour is vile. Time to tell him to get lost and be happy with your kids. Trust me you will be much happier.

If you've got joint finances don't let him clear out your accounts. He sounds likely to turn nasty.

I said you abu, for putting up with this for the umpteenth time. I would have told him after the 2nd time of this happening to permanently remove himself out the house. If he wants to live the single life goodbye!

Omg, I've just done my own thread yesterday after reaching a point after years of similar. I'm asking of it's normal. Then reading yours I'm suddenly transported back to when our DS was born 5 years ago.

This is how it started. I'd wake up in the night baby crying, my toddler awake and I'd realise he wasn't in bed or hadn't come upstairs. I'd go down, he'd be nowhere to be found. I'd be feeding my baby, settling my toddler and messaging wondering where on earth he was. There's always an excuse, believable. I'm too tired to argue so we drop it, until it happens again.

6 years later it still happens. I barely sleep as I'm always on edge especially at weekends if he's downstairs or he's gone out. Usually I only find out if he's weird the next morning or if he crashes in drunk in the early hours. The weekend is ruined, family time not happening. In the last 6 months I went down n had to clear his vomit off the floor before the kids woke up.

I need to take my own advice, but my advice to you is don't drop it. Dont accept it. Don't let this be your reality. It's lonely full of anxiety and you don't end up hating him, you will hate yourself for putting up with it for so long because you'll come to a point where it's happened so many times you don't even know where to draw the line.

He's another example of a bloke who's got buyers regret after becoming a father;he wants to be pathetic and act as though he's single.

If he acts badly enough and you kick him out he can blame you for the split and he can then start rewriting history whilst he trots out the script.

My friends exH use to "stay at his brothers house" after nights out;he was having one night stands and the brother was as bad as him.

Why do women accept being treated like this. You’re worth so much more and life is so short! Don’t let him use you any more.

Your kids shouldn’t have this pathetic man as a role model. The vast majority of 36 year olds don’t behave like this…

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating
He doesn't need to be calculating to exploit you, he'll be working on instinct, the fact that you are weak/vulnerable triggers predatory behaviour.
Think of an animal moving in for the kill when it sees injured prey. There's no conscious thought out process, he just acts on his predatory impulses.

The fact he went out in the first place when his wife and baby are ill with Covid says what an utter waste of space he is. The follow up blame game bollocks of your supposed faults is him justifying to himself why it's okay for him to be a selfish prick. Get rid of him pronto. Dont let your children grow up seeing this behaviour as acceptable.

This is classic, text book behaviour.

It is designed to butter you up but also make you think that ‘he’s not that bad’.

He knows how far to push it so you don’t leave him.

The fact that he thought he could buy you flowers, smile and tell you he loves you and you would accept him treating you like shit is such a slap in the face.

I would be annoyed with his bad behaviour but I would be even more annoyed that he does things like this thinking I’m stupid and naive/gullible.

@Roonil I am not sure why you thought it would change. It won't. The more children you have with him the harder it is for you.

He's not a parent. He's not a spouse. The writing is on the wall. This is cheating behaviour.

End it or accept this is you & your children's life. Not something I'd accept for myself or them.

I imagine he bought you flowers in advance of the night out as his way to prove to himself hes a nice guy with intention of a lads lad night out.

There is only one reason why you stay out to kicking out time (5am) and that is mopping up (pulling) or hooking up time before back to reality.

Some men can never truly settle with 1 women.....they get bored. They go through the motions, do little things to make you have hope.......but its breadcrumbs in reality.

I would bet my last penny that the reason he was in such a great mood yesterday was that he was off to see another woman. I would get your ducks in a row, file for divorce. Get as far away from this mentally abusive man as possible and he IS mentally abusing you, which without the affair, which no doubt is happening, is a marriage ender.
Pack his bags and get rid he can move in with the lucky lady, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled seeing as you’re such a nightmare.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this he sounds like a prize piece of work, please please look up DARVO as previously mentioned. Major hand holds. Xxx

He's not a partner, he's not a family man. OP, I think I would do what you can to keep yourself together while you make a solid plan for a better life away from this man.

I'm sorry, but could he be having an affair? ex dp used to behave like that.

Aah man. Get some support. Not just on here- some real life support , take it one day at a time and try to get enough strength to leave him.

Think of your children and get strength from them . They need you to be strong and have a better life. You all deserve a better life than this so please get away from this man.

This was my first thought too. No chance he could drink all day and still be going until 5am without a little help along the way! It changes people. Absolutely no excuse he has a family and responsibilities, he sounds a total prick. Get rid.

This 100%.

I don't think my own father sat down and worked out exactly how to play DM - he was too bloody idle for that - but he had the instincts.

Bastard men make terrible fathers. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

For fuck sake just leave and go stay with your parents. If he wants to be single let him be but of course the will have to pay child maintenance and share 50% custody. He ain't gonna take you for a fool. Cut this crap now.

100% get rid. You deserve better than this loser xx

You need to leave, for your children’s sake. You should have gone before baby number 2 but what’s done is done. Take responsibility and control.

Cocaine. Get rid.