DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Hope you're doing ok OP

Hang in there OP, but please also think about your and your children's safety. It can be overwhelming and you may feel pushed into action - also with overwhelmingly supportive push from all of us on this thread.
But it may be that he absolutely thinks you are bluffing and when he realises you are not stepping back this time - he may turn violent. So if you feel such type of energy from him, don't you worry what ppl here will say if you back off - you should absolutely pretend you are backing off and forgiving to calm him down. But keep your thoughts focused and get in touch with domestic violence service as soon as he is off to work or wherever.
He has no empathy.

The reason why many women stay in these types of relationships is not because they are in love or dependant. It's because they are exhausted completely - first it is the mistreatment (in your case that horrible night and morning after) that leaves you so exhausted, then endless endless circular conversations that totally drain the very last ounce of your energy, so when he offers to forget everything and "forgive you" (while in fact you are forgiving him and he knows it) - you are grasping at that straw, you literally just want one peaceful day where he will be normal (still a lazy manchild but just decent in conversation) so you can reload just to be able to continue with basic daily chores.
And then you are back to square one.

So - if you need to - pretend you are fine and all is good - but act in the background and get everything ready to split in a safe way.

My Gran would say “this mans not worth your breath” .

He really isn’t.

Think of the relief of only having two children not a petulant manchild!

I know it’s very hard but you need to look at your money.
Makesure your wage , child benefit etc goes into your personal account.
Take cash from your joint account to make sure he doesn’t take all the money.
This goes for savings , joint car etc
File for CMS and I’d change your locks.
Change your passwords ! Banking, insurance , Netflix , WiFi etc.
Make sure you don’t pay his bills ie phone etc.
Let your mortgage company know.
Speak to a solicitor and get legal and financial advice . There will be benefits you can apply for. Speak to your doctor and get antidepressants.

He never will be the man husband or father you and your children deserve.
Be strong and don’t let him dictate anything.

Sort your money out ASAP . You need a roof over your head and enough to pay your bills, don’t let him squirrel it away

It’s really difficult to understand these kind of emotionally abusive relationships unless you’ve been in one. The abuse is carefully managed and alternated with periods of intense love bombing. With my ex he also appeared as a real pillar of society, high earner, volunteering on local committees, charming to friends and family. I could see when I discussed leaving him with those people that they thought I was crazy to become a single parent to 3 DS when I didn’t have to. With DV the bruises are visible and it makes the abuse tangible, emotional abuse is insidious and, as many others have said on here, it becomes your norm as you become desensitised.

Please don’t imply that it’s only weak women who fall prey to this kind of manipulation. I’ve seen lots of comments on here asking the op to find her anger. That won’t help here as that keeps you in an emotional reactive mode when it’s detachment that’s needed: seeing the situation as damaging and unsustainable, and knowing you have the power to leave.

OP something else you need to think about he's dragging his brother into this. He's obviously been onto his brother to lie for him if you ask if he stayed there. And also other people when he says he's stayed somewhere.
He's making a complete mug of you, take it from people who've been there this doesn't get better.
You feel you need to just accept what he does because he's drummed it into you that you should.
Ignore his mother. Maybe his dad was or is the same and she turns a blind eye because "it's just the way they are" and expects you to put up with it.
Leave him. You'll get over him and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You deserve so much better. 💐

Just wanted to pop on and say i hope you are doing ok op. Take care of yourself and those beautiful babies

Thank you. I am ok.
he wants to have another “discussion” this evening. Is still speaking to me like I’ve done something awful. I’m trying to take all the PPs’ advice and react as little as possible and let it slide off of me.

Thanks, I will bear this in mind.

You have no idea how lucky you are he's gone.
Get onto CMS immediately he won't pay willingly. Put a freeze on any shared bank accounts.
See a solicitor. He'll try and scare you into selling house they can tell you you're legal position. Children come first.
Do not engage about relationships only focus on discussion around children use a third party if needs me
You will find you feel much better now that odious abusive creep has gone

look up grey rock. it really works . just remember there is no point in arguing with an idiot they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Oh I thought he was moving out today, so he won't be around for a big discussion tonight ?
Has he changed his mind

I agree. And I've posted it on every other similar thread and will continue to do so - look up Dr Ramani on YouTube she explains grey rock and other concepts amazingly!!!

Thanks, I’ve heard of this but have never researched it so I will today

He is, apparently. I think he wants to talk about selling the house and other logistics

I would say those could wait until another day. I would definitely push to have him out.

so, in the meantime you can do a Universal Credit check and see if you would be entitled to anything, and a CMS check and see how much he will have to pay.
and think about what access he may ask for re the children.

He can work out the logistics somewhere else, email them to you, then you have proof of his intentions. His logistics today are packing his bags, making sure you're OK for money and moving out. Don't get drawn into a long conversation. The house isn't going to sell overnight and the courts will decide a fair split and where's best for you and the children, don't let him bulky you.

OP, I wish I could give you a big hug & kick this poor excuse of a man out for you!! Is it possible to get your parents around under the pretext of looking after you if & when he comes to ‘talk’? I am quite surprised at how quickly the conversation has turned to the house. You already know he can’t be trusted. Any way you can get a lock of his hair to get it tested for drugs?? Only because if he thinks he can get whatever access to the kids in order to avoid paying maintenance any evidence you have to show him as a unfit parent will lessen your worries about him having unsupervised access to the children. Also please get your family and friends to help you get your ducks in a row. You have so much to contend with right now so if your loved ones can help go through paperwork & financials it will help you so much. As you need to get well & deal with this waste of space. Pls pls make sure he can’t access money & important documents and seriously think about getting a camera for downstairs and get legal advice from a solicitor ASAP. As I guarantee he is way ahead of you on that. What does he do for a living? Are you the higher earner or is he?

Oh & tell him from now on you will only communicate by email. That way you don’t have to listen to any more of his shite!

Thank you ❤
I think he is going down that route to put pressure on me and make me worry about DC as it will be difficult for me to sort housing while on mat leave.
I asked him to do a drugs test and he refused, said he doesn’t need to prove anything to me.
My mum has been round today. He text me to tell me to make sure she’s gone before he’s home so we can “discuss a few things” (he saw on the doorbell camera)
he’s self employed and is somewhat opaque about his earnings.

This is a very good idea.

Yes good thinking, I don’t have the energy for it right now anyway. Was only planning to let him sit and rant and not give much back anyway.

He refused because he's taking drugs.
His comments are worrying I'd say you want your Mum in the property while he is there.

Record his ranting if its safe, just ignore it, busy yourself, both of your solicitors will deal with the logistics later. Is he actually going today, are you safe.

There's really nothing to discuss and you have every right to have your mum there. Try not to feel its you that has to leave, if he gets nasty call your parents or the police.