DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Thank you everyone for the support. Xx

I will look into this now, thanks

I'd really love to know what type of people the 2% who think you are being unreasonable are. Your husband is hardly on here, is he 😂

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Congratulations!

I promise you, you will be OK. More than OK, you and your wee ones will thrive.

Truly op, it feels shit now but in a few months you will be in such a better place. Think of the peace you'll have, just you and your kids, none of his bullshit complaining or wondering when he's going to rock up at home.

I really hope he leaves quickly and without a fuss but part of me thinks it's all for dramatic effect at the minute. He won't be expecting you to stick to it and he will try to threaten you with besmirching you to people. Don't engage, don't be intimidated. You are stronger than you think and things will get better from here.

This really made me laugh. Thank you.

So proud of you. Tomorrow will be a fresh start for you and the DC. If you have any joint accounts, move some money to your personal account so you know DC are provided for.

Thanks. To be honest, I really don’t GAF about what he tells other people, we don’t really have mutual friends and honestly I’d raise an eyebrow at anyone slagging off the mother/father of their children here there and everywhere - particularly if it was over pretty minor seeming stuff.

Course he doesn't want to go for a walk he doesn't give a shit about you. Sorry op but you need to wake up and get tough. This won't get better. Even if it did he would do it again.

Be prepared for the back peddling when he realises you're serious. He will alternate between crying and apologising and abusing you and blaming you. He's a weak man and rather than face that he'll have to try drag you down too. Forewarned is forearmed. Take the advice of those who have already walked this path. It's always the same story. You'll be ok. You're children will be better than ok. You're a great mum who wouldn't dream of behaving like he has done.

I can just hear him telling people all the details.....she wont let me parent, and I'm disconnected from the kids. I've tried everything, leaving them alone while they're sick, getting drunk, not answering my phone, sleeping at a train station, wasting my cash on myself, yelling at their mum. No one can say I haven't tried!!!!

He's a piece of shit. A worthless, pathetic, useless, lying, manipulative scumbag. Do you want that as a "role model" to your children?

You know this, but none of the things he’s blaming you for are issues with you. They are just him deflecting as it’s easier to blame you than for him to look in a mirror and accept his own (many) short comings.
I don’t have OCD or anxiety but those things you described about kids on main roads etc would fill me with anxiety. It’s normal to be protective of our babies!
There’s a lot of similarities between things he says to you and what my husband has said to me in the past. He has adhd, Aspergers, majorly narcissistic parents and a traumatic upbringing. These all impact how he is in marriage. After various medications and counselling it’s better but he had to first be able to recognise he needed help and without that we wouldn’t still be together. But what I wanted to say is that it’s easy in our low moments to have their words on repeat in our heads and give those words weight. But his criticisms of you are baseless, and only designed to hurt to take the spotlight off himself and muddy the waters by making you question reality.
I don’t know you but the reality to me sounds like you are a super mama. You are protective, caring, selfless, kind, and if he can’t appreciate you for who you are then that’s his loss. You’ll be appreciated for all those incredible qualities by friends and family and your kids.

Go and rest. Don’t bother with these circular conversations with him that come back to it all being your fault. They are pointless.

The only thing you have to say is it’s over, you are unhappy and you need to split.

And stick to that, especially if he does go, then returns at the weekend crying and declaring his undying love.( That’s usually the pattern.)

Please get support from your family.
Good luck x

I'm sorry but I think he's been messing around and maybe on drugs too, I'd be telling him to leave, you'd be better off without him, he's just making you unhappy.

Hes likely met another woman or had something on the go maybe its just a fling. Perhaps the work trip is also a smoke screen for spending more time away with the lover I know my ex did this.

Whatever happens your goals should be

1. Get all bank information / child birth certificates and passports off the property
2. Take anything absolutely fundamental to who you are (Heirlooms) and put them somewhere save.
3. Try as best you can to 'spring clean' and remove as many personal effects as you can without him noticing.

That means when you are ready to press the button the actual move or blow back wont impact you as deeply.

For the sake of your kids you deserve better than this, You shouldn't like to them to cover the dad. If hes crap to you just be honest with them It probably would hurt you more to lie to your kids when you know hes treating you badly.

Hes going to be away soon so you should start relaxing a little.
Lots of good advice here about seeing solicitor.

You can also look on amazon for covert recording devices or if your super suspicious throw an airtag in his bag with some of your keys so that if he finds it - you can play innocent.

Be glad that you don't have to deal with him any more. He's not your problem now.

just kept laughing and saying he’s discussed my behaviour with lots of people

Another one from my ex's notebook. Seriously - these men know so well they are in the wrong, they will literally say anything to make you doubt yourself.

Don't doubt yourself.

You are doing ace. Your kids will be so strong and happy without this bullshit going on. And if they are happy, you'll be happy. Trust yourself.

I know, it's absolutely textbook isn't it?

They're so predictable.

Don't worry OP, as you well know these little games of his don't matter in the scheme of things. What matters is the prize at the end of all this - a happy, secure, loving family life for you and your kids. Hang in there!

I posted yesterday that I went through something v similar with my ex- following your latest updates it has become even more similar! It's such a cliche but be kind to yourself, I wish I had done lots of things differently when we were going through the process of separating but I tell myself now that I made the best decisions I could at the time. I was in a fog of grief and sadness and trying to parent young kids, and I let him get away with way too much- I wish I had posted on Mumsnet at the time for some advice! But I did the best I could based on what I thought was right at the time. It will be hard but you will come out the other side. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and take everything that's offered to you. Gather your allies. You will probably never get a satisfactory response from him (much less an apology!) but try and make your peace with that. If he acknowledges his poor behaviour that will make him the bad guy, and he can't possibly be the bad guy. That's just how these men work unfortunately.

Jesus. There’s variations but always a similar script. I didn’t have young kids when my marriage fell apart but the vein was v similar. Wishing you all the love and strength in the world. I am financially poorer now but I dont wake up having to second guess anyone’s mood or turn myself inside out trying to keep them happy.
You can do this OP and eventually life will be better. X

Mine was (is) very similar. Walked on eggshells all the time and he did the silent treatment on me all the time. I was in bits.
I left back then with a 2,4 and 6 year old.

I was on my own completely for about 8 years and recently after him selling his house agreed he could come back and stay with us.
I fully regret this decision and he sits in his room all day doing sweet FA and no help whatsoever when I'm working 40 hours a week.

I really can't stand him and he's not bothered with the kids at all either again.

Please don't ever make this mistake but go and get free. Forever.

Oh and yes, he's doing all that on purpose. To make you feel shit, guilt tripped and gas lighted.

@Badgertime

Give him a date to move out, reinforce it in writing (a text).

If he won't leave, get the police to remove him. You deserve your peace back.

OP stay strong. He'll only come back if you agree that all the problems he has in your marriage are your fault and that from now on he can do whatever he likes with no repercussions at all. DON'T YOU DARE!!!!!

I don't have anything to add that previous posters havent already said except that do not underestimate how blooming EXHAUSTING it is dealing with someone who acts like your dh has/is. It wears you down to a point where you probably don't even realise it.

Whilst the future looks uncertain/possibly scary at this moment in time and moving forwards seems challenging, it is easier to deal with when you aren't having to deal with the mental gymnastics people like this put you through.

I wish you and your dc all the best.