DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Book a night out with the ladies, tell him to stay at home and take care of babies, then "disappear" and turn your phone off. Pop up next day and tell him you passed out at "Lucy's" house and couldn't call him. So sorry. He's done it himself a few times so he's no reason to complaint.

taste of his own medicine etc.. Some people need it.

He doesn't respect you. You tolerate dreadful behaviour and he knows you always forgive him. I wouldn't put up with it.

maybe he’s not cheating, maybe the guy just wants to throw some steam, get out with the lads, get drunk etc.. because he needs it every now and then to cope with the stresses of work and family, if that’s the case whatever happened to just sitting with you and saying so? It’s no earth shattering stuff, really, we sometimes need to vent. Is he not emotionally mature enough to articulate it?

Thanks for all the replies, didn’t expect there to be so many!
Really appreciate the kind words and advice.
Haven’t disappeared, have been busy with kids and also feeling rough from illness/sleep deprivation. Will post a proper update later for anyone who is interested.

God some men are so pathetic. A bit of responsibility turns up and suddenly they decide that rather than accept this is their lot that they chose and to suck up the difficult bits, they decide that they will ignore it in the hopes that it will got away.

As if pretending he young free and single will magically make it true. And they always ALWAYS play the victim when they are pulled up on it. Fact is that if he isnt shagging someone now he almost certainly soon will be, and that will be your fault too. He is reading The Script almost to the letter, the next thing will be that he hasnt been happy for years (despite never actually telling you this).

His ultimate goal is to get you to end things so he can further cement his vision of himself as this poor victimized man who you just used to have kids and then kicked out. He will never mention his benders just that you always made life a misery if he "went out for a couple of pints" He wont mention buggering off and being uncontactable while you were looking after a sick child, just that you were "mental because of hormones".

Its crazy making because it is DESIGNED to be crazy making. It is meant to make you question every single thing you do, blame yourself for his shit behaviour and do everything you can make him love you again which will, conveniently, be shutting up and putting up with his crap, never ever complaining and never expecting anything from him.

Fuck that shit. If he wants you to bin him, give him what he wants and dont feel at all guilty about it.

He's not reliable. He doesn't give a shit and is likely to do something specifically because he knows it will hurt OP. He will use those children to control her.
I don't believe he would hurt them. But he would absolutely call in a babysitter probably your mother or friend or sister, telling them he can't get in contact with you, and then send her abuse telling her what a shit mother she is for going out and turning off her phone.
These men have a phrase book. They are so predictable.
Don't bother playing games @Roonil . You'll never win. He'll have an answer for everything. Just gathering yourself and your support system and realise you will do much better without him.

would you seriously leave this man in charge of children in order to punish him? You know that he will take his anger out on the children

If he's been doing coke he might be at his nose a lot, especially one nostril as if his nose is running all the time, but without having a cold.

I felt really sad reading this OP.

You deserve better. He is treating you appallingly.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years

It was a mistake to forgive repeatedly, and to get into serious commitment i.e. bringing kids into the world with him.

If you get rid of him, which tbh he's probably going to push you to (if not this time, then another time) ...... Please get some counselling so you don't repeat this relationship pattern.

Look into how you would cope financially...UC (if you get any UC payment, you get 85% of childcare paid up to a cap of around 1600 a month) etc.

This dude really doesn't seem to give much of a fuck, and thinks he's got you over a barrell. I dread to think what he's done before. Hrs also extremely manipulative and a gas lighter. He knows he's in for (totally justified) criticism and anger, so he takes the "attack is the best form of defence" and starts slagging you off and putting you on the back foot "you don't make me happy boohoo, you're not nice to me" ....Does he think he makes you happy?! Fkg dickhead.

He's turning you into - in fact he's not turning you into, he's done it for years - the "nag" the "moaner", the "ball and chain", "the bitch who's never happy", the drag....... No woman who wanted an actual relationship with a tap of basic respect and decency would be anything else, with him.

There is no winning with someone like him. Winning would have been not having his kids, but that ship has sailed so winning is getting rid, enjoying your kids and life and maybe meeting someone decent down the road.

I'd have questioned my relationship the minute he made plans to go out knowing I was ill with Covid, and so was the baby! Op, please raise your standards. In this situation, unless it was an overseas trip planned, most normal, caring husbands/ fathers would have cancelled arrangements to stay home and help.

Then there's the rest of it. He's either shagged around for the night, or is just so completely lacking in respect for you, and so uncaring of you and the kids, that he just 'disappears' when he feels like it. Either way, it's not a good look for a married father of two, is it?

People on mumsnet shout LTB a lot, sometimes too much. But in this case I'm afraid I agree. If he hasn't changed after having two kids with you, he won't change now. Leave the bastard. You deserve much better, and as importantly, so do your children.

He sounds like one Jeremy Kyle contestant wanker. Can you get some counseling to help you understand why you stayed no matter what he did, to help you get away from him, and not get into this sort of setup again?

By the way @Roonil don't be afraid of what others think. Others will have a fair idea of what sort of crap you've been putting up with. Leave him spout whatever he likes. The people who know what he's like will take it with a pinch of salt. The people who listen and believe him aren't important in your life so they're irrelevant.

Sorry you are feeling so rough. I am sure his abhorrent behaviour hasn't exactly helped matters either.

I think you might benefit from going for relationship counselling but on a solo basis. I understand that deciding to put an end to this relationship, if you are seriously considering it, must be a very daunting and scary prospect. A good counselling professional will help you work through these emotions and prepare you for leaving him. I'd also start to make monetary preparations and everything else you need to put in place.

By the sounds of things he goes on a charm offensive when he knows he is about to disrespect you or when he feels he has gotten his feet under the table again after abusing you. Don't fall for it. You are in an unhealthy and abusive relationship and you and the kids will be better off without him.

If you weren’t so I’ll I would say change the lock and go out for 24 hours and don’t answer phone
you don’t deserve. To be treated like this😘

His attacks on you scream guilty conscience imo.

Your posts make my skin crawl. He is a manipulative wanker. If you weren't ill I think I would mirror his behaviour - go out, leave the kids and don't respond to messages or calls. See how he copes with it.

You not just having a baby to look after but being ill makes it so awful let alone just mocking you when you're upset. He doesn't care about you at all sorry. Lots of people do though so please go to them xx

You and your kids should come first it's that simple. He wants you at home so he can just do whatever he wants and still have someone at home doing his laundry and meals. You're miserable anyway and he's not helping out as a decent father should so kick him out you deserve so much more. And it will only get worse.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon, surround yourself with people that care about you, you can do this!

You can prove something- you can ask him for a drug test.
Hope it all works out for you.

I am petrified by my impression that so many people are writing here what they are because so many went through something similar.

Its not something anyone would easily discuss with friends.
So when you go through something like this you think you are the only one.
I am petrified by the recognition how many people exactly know how this situation feels.

When going through something similar I doubted my judgement, thought somewhere deep down that maybe in some way it is my fault, felt ashamed (and guilty?) for allowing myself to slide into a situation like this.

And looking back, seeing all these responses I feel so reassured (again, although it was so many years ago) for leaving without ever turning back.

And OP mo matter how difficult, complicate it looks or how much you doubt yourself now. I am certain, you will feel like you got away too.
If you have been in a situation like this, you know what the signs were that you should have been looking out for.
In retrospect you know, when you should have already left. And he’s showing you all the signs.

Chances are, he’s going to treat the next woman the same way he is treating you now.

Ok, so we are over.

I was just having something to eat (a crap ready meal that I could eat before DC woke up for first feed). He came in, smirked and said “I’ll move out tomorrow… you clearly don’t want me here, didn’t even bother to ask me about dinner”

I asked him if he realised how bad what he did the other night was. “yeah well I’ve apologised already”

went on to tell me how unhappy he is and how unbearable I am. How I don’t “let” him parent his children (this is his biggest complaint about me, to the PP who asked). He wants to let them run on main roads, disappear out of reach in public, put babies in car seats on top of the car roof, and more, and for me to suck it up. I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety & OCD so it’s really hard for me not to be a bit overprotective. He asked me if I was going to apologise for “how you’ve been” and I asked for a single example of what I’ve done and he couldn’t give me one, just kept laughing and saying he’s discussed my behaviour with lots of people.

then went on to tell me he didn’t want to have a 2nd child. So I asked if that was the root of all his behaviour, that he resented it. And he said “I don’t resent having a 2nd child. I resent having one with YOU”

I told him he is abusive and needs to go. He reckons I am an abuser

plan is for him to go tomorrow.

He also said he feels “disconnected” from the DC, I asked him if that was him setting up not seeing them.

Dear OP. I know this seems like a disaster, but this is the best outcome for you and your little ones.

Be brave. And get some good legal advice.