DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

I haven’t read the whole thread but I just wanted to say, OP, that when I was in the process of leaving my ex 20 years ago he came out with all kinds of manipulative shit. A good friend of mine is a family law solicitor and she told me ‘You don’t have to engage with anything he says. Just don’t engage.’ I found that so helpful - I’m the kind of person who always feels a compulsion to reply but this gave me permission not to. It stopped him getting inside my head so much.

Please don’t stay with a man who treats you with such contempt and refuses to be a parent to his children. My DC were 1 and 4 when we split up - too young to remember any different life. It’s probably the least worst ages for kids to go through it. I still regularly thank my lucky stars that I had the courage to leave. It’s the only brave thing I’ve ever done and my goodness it paid off.

There is absolutely no point in talking to this man.

He has zero respect for you and his children. .He can do whatever he wants, treat you appallingly and you have a bit of a moan and put up with it.
Why?
You sound incredibly unhappy
The only person who can change your situation is YOU!
He Will Never Be the man you want him to be and until you realise you are being abused and gaslighted you won’t be happy.

LEAVE . GO TO YOUR PARENTS AND GET A DIVORCE. HE WONT CHANGE
SO YOU NEED TO

And get checked for STDs he doesn’t respect you . So you need to respect yourself

Why do (so many) men think their lives can go exactly as before, once children arrive?
Because they know that she is trapped and unable to stop him, in other words they do it because they know they can get away with it.
Going out and leaving him alone to cope with the baby what's that going to achieve? You know that he will neglect and mistreat the baby just enough to make sure she can't risk doing it again.
His entire focus will be making sure he doesn't make a rod for his own back, working everything to his advantage because there's nothing she can do to stop him that doesn't hurt her more than it hurts him.

I can't believe he responded with "cry me a fuckin river".
He doesn't deserve a second more of your time, energy or care. He is absolutely disgusting. What a way to speak to the mother of your children. Get the hell away from him and entertain nothing he says.
Get legal advice ASAP, line up your ducks and make sure you leave on the best possible terms for yourself.

Your husband hates you.

This was my friend, put up with cocaine, going with other women ( never proven but everyone knew) put up with it for years, ended with dv.
That was many years ago. Now their son is doing the same to his partner.
GET OUT NOW

the minute, the very minute you stop testing positive - you take baby and you go to your parents.

they have offered, accept it.

it really doesn't matter that you don't think they have the space.

you deserve so much more, and you should except that you deserve more / better.

make sure you take YOUR car with you !

Wow, and you really thought any of us wanted to learn this? This added to the conversation, how?

Feel free to scroll on by any threads that will upset your delicate sense of balance. 🙄

FFS

OP when was the last time you went out all night and got smashed and didn’t come home until 7am and left him with the kids?

Just because you’re at home doesn’t mean to say you’re not working.

Being a mum is work. Lots and lots of unpaid work.

If he wants the status of having and raising a family he needs to be more adult.

Yes he can go out. No he can’t stay out until 7am.

Personally I’d get an STD test. It sounds like he’s going back to other women and shagging and then creeping out early doors. Total scum.

And yes I’d leave and go to my mums for a few weeks.

he needs a wake up call. It might end things so be prepared.

he sounds immature.

This is an almost perfect mumsnet Haiku.

This is such good advice from someone who has been there and knows the compulsion to understand these men and somehow fix them so that you can have the family life you want for your children.

it will be hard to break up your marriage and start again. But nowhere near as hard as living with the constant gut wrenching feeling of being disrespected by the one person in the world who should have your back.

It took me a long time to rebuild my life but I never regretted the split. I did, however, regret the years of unhappiness when his behaviours spiralled and my DC became old enough to be damaged by our dysfunctional relationship.

The more you let him get away with, the worse this will become. Please at least begin the process of disengaging. Start writing things down so you have clarity when he’s gaslighting, be honest with friends & family, see more people, look at finances etc.

You can make the break and I promise you there’s such relief and calm when you do 💐

Sounds more like a drink and drugs binge than an other woman to me.

The fact, though, that he went out for 24hrs while you’re ill, breast feeding (exhausting++) and didn’t come home would push me over the edge. Staying out longer than usual, if it’s occasionally, it’s not a deal breaker. With illness and small kids in the mix, that’s just completely abandoning his responsibilities.

The more you let him get away with, the worse this will become. Please at least begin the process of disengaging. Start writing things down so you have clarity when he’s gaslighting, be honest with friends & family, see more people, look at finances etc.

Writing things down is a really good idea, @Jewel52 I did that, I still have the notebook and came across it the other day. I was horrified to see what I had accepted as almost normal. ‘X hit me hard across the head 3 times and told me I better watch it. Then I fed DD.’ It’s only now that I see how conditioned I was.

Get out, OP, get out now. Don’t let your children grow up around abusive behaviour - whether verbal or physical. Both are equally damaging for kids to witness.

And don’t let him con you into feeling any sense of shame. This is not your fault.

Reading through all this, I really do hope you leave him, OP. It is upsetting reading how he treats you - staying out all night without a word then trying to gaslight you into thinking it's because you're an awful person who's not letting him have a life. It sounds like this is what he's told his family about you, too. From his mum's reaction before, he's been slagging you off massively behind your back.

It's not going to get any better. Let him lead the single life if that's what he wants, and you can crack on with yours.

I voted yabu because threatening to lock him out of his own house is no way do deal with this. It plays into his hands and makes it seem like you're the problem.

Presumably he was with another woman.

Whatever you decide to do next try to do it calmly and openly. It will make it harder for him to do the classic gaslighting move of making out that you're crazy.

Completely agree. It's almost irrelevant whether he's shagging around, caning it on booze and drugs, or both - the fact is he's a complete prick who's abandoning his responsibilities as a partner and new dad. He's just not worth the effort of trying to fix things - you can't with this sort of man anyway.

He is being deliberately awful so you will end the relationship and save his conscience so he won't have to. This is a known tactic.

Sorry this has happened OP.

I am wondering if he has post natal depression and this is why the behaviour has changed since having your eldest and then again with your little one.

Its no excuse for his behaviour but could be a reason for it?

https://www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-and-co-parents-10-things-you-should-know

He needs to leave. Him, not you. This is your children’s’ home. Whatever you need to do to make this happen (friends helping, locksmith etc) do it.

Get legal advice ASAP. If you have joint accounts, move your money out now.

He will probably threaten to go for 50/50 custody to avoid paying maintenance. He won’t go through with it.

I haven’t been through this myself, but have seen friends/parents of children I teach go though the exact same thing and the advice is always the same.

It's called gaslighting

I think you are under reacting if anything and I cannot imagine my husband doing anything like that in the over 40 years we have been married. You and your DC deserve better and I would start making plans to separate. It is a shame you did not go through with it last time as he obviously hasn't changed and being a single parent to two young children will be harder than it would have been with one but dealing with them and an unreliable uncaring husband would be worse. I hope you can sort out the finances.

If you want to know why he's doing this, I'll tell you:

Not only goes he gets to shake off his responsibilities and have fun, but he gets to find a way to not only upset you but twist things to make out you're the bad guy. What a catch!

Fuck that!

Sit back, observe and identify his patterns of behaviour. Note them down. Meanwhile, see a solicitor and put your ducks in order. Change your passwords and keep any valuables, important documents, bank cards etc at your mum's.

When you are ready kick his arse to the kerb. When his mum turns up with her spleen unloaded sit quietly recording her rant. Smile sweetly explaining that since you're the devil incarnate the best thing for her precious baby is for him to sign the divorce papers without quibbling.

She will scream to high heaven and call you everything under the sun. Usher her out and keep the recording. The reason she is doing this is because she knows full well what an arse her son is and doesn't want to pick up his mess. Tough. She should have raised him better.

He is with another woman