DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

OP you need to get angry and assertive. The signs are already apparent that you’re putting another coin in the merry-go-round:

1. You’re seeking his account for his actions
2. You’re defending his infrequent socialising

Truth is, it doesn’t matter. It also doesn’t matter whether drugs, alcohol, gambling, infidelity or anything is at the root of his behaviour. You’re at risk of explaining his behaviour away by focusing on, and ultimately ascribing it to to cocaine or whatever. In doing so, detaching your DH from his actions. Therefore he evades accountability and responsibility - so not his fault.

Instead of twisting yourself into an emotional pretzel trying to work out the cause, and then working through a pointless plan on how to extinguish it as the way of ‘having your husband back’ I kindly suggest that you focus on what you know for sure:

1. The way he treats you
2. How he speaks to you
3. That he gaslights you
4. How he disregards your DC
5. … and so on

Make a list as it will have an important role for YOUR onward actions and decisions. The List will help you connect with his shitty behaviour and to admit it to yourself. Then, look at that list, really study it and connect with how each one makes you feel.

Ask yourself whether The List represents model behaviours for your children to act like or to tolerate. Don’t get rid of the list, get rid of the person behind the behaviour in the list - or own your part and decision to keep adding to it and for making it a part of you and your DC life.

I understand your torment and feelings of disillusionment OP; I know it might feel scary, but staying won’t take away the fear from your relationship. Sending you strength.

They often show their true colours during pregnancy and early years.

The realisation the world doesn't revolve around them can be taken as a personal insult.

Their immaturity leads to complete inability to cope with the needs of a helpless child and new baby.

Their mummy taking their side and throwing insults suggests a boy who has not grown up.

And the fact that your attention must now be elsewhere, so you have of course changed - that is somehow a fault, resented instead of celebrated.

This all happens a lot.

He wants you to dump him so he doesn't have to do it.

Best of luck - you'll be so glad you got rid of him this time in 6 months when you look back.

This man has zero respect for you, doesn’t love you, is lying to you and is probably cheating on you. He treats you like shit, he’s a bad father and you’re both setting an awful example for the children. You need to leave him, if not for yourself, then for the children. Move back to your parents and sell the house.

The Cry me a fucking river reply is telling and chilling.

I had a P like this. We had 2 DC 16 months apart. He carried on with his big city big money lifestyle.

We moved country and he didn't have the network and the friends to have that life and stay out all night. So he became angry and negative, more contrilling and critical of me. He loathed me being off with babies and not working. He just wanted his lifestyle back.

So even if you find a way to prevent him behaving this way it'll only be for a time and it won't change who is is and how he feels about family life.

sending support OP

He’s pushing you to finish it. Men rarely leave a relationship to be alone. My guess is that his next conquest is lined up.

" I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not"

This is totally gaslighting!! I wasted 5 years with someone like this, thankfully not married and no kids but he used to treat me like this and I just took it. I'm so angry for my younger self and in another life I might have found someone else and had kids (now too late and other relationships since didn't work, partly because that one totally messed up my idea of how a relationship would be).

He does not deserve you or your children until he sorts himself out and grows up.

He sounds selfish and childish. And controlling. You and your children deserve much better xx

I'm really good. My only regret is putting up with it for so long. For somehow half believing what he was saying about me being the unreasonable one. I agree with others, it is almost certainly cocaine and alcohol, with a bit of cheating thrown in on the side.

Until you break free you don't truly appreciate the mental toll you have been under. You will be much happier out of the situation. For now he doesn't believe you will do anything. He believes he holds all the cards. That's why he's confident to behave how he likes knowing you're not going anywhere. The shock of you standing up for yourself might be enough to snap him out of it. Or it might not. Either way you don't have to tolerate that BS.

It would be so easy at this point to let things slide OP, now that he has weasled his way back into the house. Stand firm. Reiterate that you would like him to leave. If he won't then take the kids and go to your parents for a few days whilst you get better and process things. There has not been a single person on thus post who has been able to justify his behaviour or afford him the benefit of the doubt.

It was perfectly reasonable for you to put the latch on the door. You'd been up all night with a baby, didn't want waking up and certainly didn't want someone clearly worse for wear coming in and your children witnessing their father stumbling in in the not so early hours drunk. What sort of message or example would that have set the kids. You had to also protect them from that. As a child of an alcoholic, seeing your father drunk is enormously damaging and confusing for a child. So if he tries to make you out to be unreasonable on this front, you hold your ground and explain calmly why you did it. Put it back on him.

Ill tel you something now and i know because at one stage in my life i was doing wat he is now,and that's drugs, hes out taking drugs with his mates im not gonna tell you to leave him because thats your choice, but i highly doubt hes with another woman i can bet my life savings he on a session with his friends taking drugs of some sort x

You and your children deserve a lovely life. You can make it happen. Your partner doesn’t want to make it happen.

OP. He won't change because none of it is 'his fault'. So it has to be yours.
He won't change. He will wear you down. Your children will think this is normal.
It took me years to Divorve my (very similar) husband. I hope you get out soon You are not 'over-reacting'. His behaviour will get worse & worse until you crack.
That crack should be you telling him to leave. It will be very hard with 2 small children on your own. But you are 'on your own' now anyway in reality.
Good luck to you. Many other women have had to do this. You can too xxx

Another thought, many mentioned that what he wants from you is you calling it over, as he has no courage and he wants out of this relationship. I agree it may seem so, even to him.
However people like him pray on people like you, it is no accident he ended up with you. You are nurturing his ego, giving him importance, weather he is aware or not - he would miss you a lot! But not in a healthy way and please don't let this fool you. He is not after a healthy relationship - even when he himself is convinced he is after you and wants you back. This is why he turned nasty when you attempted to end it...he actually in reality enjoys this exact dynamic you have and wants to keep it.

I agree with others that it would be a good idea to talk to a professional, some support group or something - but you alone without his influence.

He is a deadbeat. Even if you're breast feeding he could be helping with the kids / house around that so you get some rest and recover not going out on a bender and the gaslighting you.

My sister had one of these. He eventually decided he wanted to be single and needed to focus on himself when the kids were young 🙄.

You and your kids deserve better.

He seems to want another life.
Why "forgive him many times?"
Not good.

Coke and booze and possibly other women..So sleazy for a married man with children.

He wants to be 20 for ever.

Probably blasting his way through a lot of cash , too.

The important bit in your "where were you?" Talk is his refusal to discuss it and the " how you could make him happier". It's all about him, he knows you'd never agree to hours long drug sprees, he says he can't talk to you about his feelings, he just wants to do as he likes and you make him happy by saying nothing.
Let him tell you his feelings Op, say nothing much, just listen, Iet him get it all out. Then ask him if he thinks you're happy and why. I'd bet you money he thinks he's a great DH and Dad.

Sorry meant to add (can't edit on the app). That despite wanting to be single and focus on himself. He refused to end things. Instead he made her life hell until she had enough. Yes he plays the victim but anyone that actually matters (ie NOT his best friends or parents who refuse to acknowledge his behaviour) know the truth.

He's pulling away, pushing you to breaking point. He sounds like he's checked out but doesn't want to be the one "responsible" for ending it. Ultimately you need to make a choice as he's not going to grow up and decide to leave himself.

And where's the money coming from?

This is money that needs to be spent on his family?

He is not a good man, husband or father

I hope you're starting to make plans - he's never going to change.

He is lying.sounds like he has been with a woman he hooked up with.get rid you deserve so much more than this.

I wouldn't do this OP because I wouldn't be able to trust him on his own with the children, particularly not a small baby!
What you do from now on should be to prioritise the safety and well being of yourself and your children, not trying to "get your own back" nor evening the score! You never can with these abusers anyway, because they don't care about you, and sometimes they love conflict and use it as an excuse to abuse you even worse than ever.
If I were you, I'd get onto Women's Aid now and find out what your legal rights as to the home are- if it's best for yo and the kids to stay and make him leave, or go to your mother's with them. As another PP said, the kids can have the bed and you could sleep on the floor or settee until you can get a blow-up mattress. Whichever you do though, you need to be separate from him as he is not only verbally and emotionally cruel ("cry me a river"? Lord help us, that's COLD! I'd never be able to get past that!), but he's potentially violent too!
He could be on cocaine, be unfaithful or trying to make you finish it so he can play the victim but no matter! You have to stop thinking about his feelings and think of your own and your children's! You can't fix him and he sounds like he's no intention of even trying to fix himself and why would he, when he's had it all his own way for so long!
I speak from experience! I wasted far too much time on a man who made me so unhappy, I was having what's called passive suicidal ideation in the end. I'm in my 60s now and am still clearing up the mess he made of my life, but feeling optimistic and SO much more at peace within myself now I haven't had to deal with his emotional abuse, lies and underhanded, cowardly cruelty for over a year now! I only wish I'd made him leave years ago and that I hadn't married him1 Actually, I wish I'd never met him because I might have met a GOOD man or even gone back to being content as a single mum, which I had been before I met him before life threw me a curve ball and made me vulnerable!
Don't be me OP! Get away from him, for your own sake and your children's because he will NEVER be what you need him to be and indeed, will only ever get worse!
I'm so sorry you're being put through this, I know how much it hurts but you will heal and heal much quicker if you split from him NOW rather than down the line! Keep posting, we're rooting for you!

That's what my STBX was doing, probably still is! He's making a right mess of his life by all accounts too! I thank God now that I made him leave because he can't drag me down into his chaos anymore! It's almost a blessing he cheated, or rather that I finally found out he was a cheat, because that's what woke me up out of the zombified state I had got into and face reality. I'm a year on now and only wish I'd got rid of him sooner! Life is still difficult but SO much more peaceful and in my control! I have so much more time and energy to look after myself as well!