DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

He's a problem drinker. He won't change.
My ex was like this and he never changed. I posted a few times about it on a different forum and was told by pretty much everyone who had been through it that he wouldn't change.

I stayed for a lot longer, but only because he would threaten suicide etc if he left....he was very psychologically manipulative. Once or twice he went to a token AA meeting or started therapy but it was just a manipulation tactic. He was devastated by the split but did the same in his next relationship and ruined that too. He still hasn't changed.

I bet if you did it he'd lose the plot.

@ElbiTut - excellent post. Your explanation of why counselling wouldn’t work in these sorts of situations is the best I’ve seen.

I wish I read it about ten years ago!

She was left alone with covid to take care of an ebf baby with covid for a night - so he could party. He did not answer her calls all night and didn't come home almost 24 hours. He is now blaming her

Go buy yourself a notebook, write down all the things he does, times and when, and keep it hidden. Keep any evidence you can find too. Go to the doctor and tell them what is happening to you. He is as gaslighting ManTwat, and if you can collect evidence and info (go back over your memory and write it down) and have it for when he starts saying things about you, you will be able to demonstrate that he is not fit to be around your DC.

I also think you need to speak to Women’s Aid for some support.

How you feeling this morning op . ? Did he come back lastnight . Sorry you are going through this .

OP please stop thinking about how you can make him happier. You can't, it's not you making him unhappy.

Your children are seeing that this is an acceptable way to treat their mother and how a relationship should work. It's time to call it.

You do really. He wants out of the relationship. He's trying to force your hand. He wants you to end things so that he doesn't have to do it himself and can make you out to be the problem. That's why he's turning it into a 'you' problem and not acknowledging his own behaviour. He's essentially blaming you for the way he behaves. You know this is never going to change right? Your kids deserve better. Children form relationships based on what they have experienced and witnessed growing up. Remember that by staying in this situation you are teaching them what to put up. Teach them empowerment instead while there's still time.

He's a real manipulator isn't he. Hope things are clearer this morning OP.

Haven't RTFT but he's having an affair.

I had these exact things said to me. (It's like they have a phrase book)

In my case he was a cheating alcoholic.

My ex-DH used to be on a high too before going out. I eventually figured out he was on a high because he was going to meet OW.

Look after yourself. Your family will support you. Don't be worried about "don't really have enough room". Your mum will make room. He's relying on you feeling you can't leave. Show him you can. It might be the incentive he needs to grow up and you can salvage your marriage if you want. Or it might just free you up to live a life without all this BS

This is beyond salvageable - he has decided he can’t be arsed and he’s not your partner is he really. You’re doing it all and he can’t even be bothered to send you a text??? Can you see the huge huge disparity here between your actions and his. He isn’t your partner. Lock the door and put yourself first. Best of luck x

If he is treating you like crap because he wants you to dump him because he wants out but not to be seen as the bad guy, so what? Give him what he wants and what you and the children need.

I’m ok thanks. Still feeling quite rough and was up a lot again last night.
He came back yesterday after I responded to his texts pointing out the irony of him sending them after walking out on his baby again.
I asked where he’d been and he said he didn’t want to tell me. I don’t think he was anywhere dodgy, just trying to make things difficult. Kept going on about me locking him out of his home, like that’s the big issue here.
I felt ill so was acting civil as he refused to find somewhere to stay, he seemed to think that meant it’s all fine and started being overly nice to me.
I asked him to sleep downstairs when I went to bed and he went into a mood again. Not sure how things will be today - probably depends on whether I let this go, in his mind.

Agree with what others on here are saying. He's turning it round on you in a spectacular fashion. Wants you to dump him etc. Mine did same. Extraordinary. Made my eyes bleed. Divorced a number of years now. Living a much better life free from him. His next relationship was a total car crash. Can't believe I've got to remain in contact because of the kids but it's very boundaried. Mumsnet has a lot of wisdom on this topic. Chumplady was also good. Best of luck.

Yes it does seem to be the same lines again and again. Hope you’re doing well now x

Sorry, by lock the door I mean put the latch on. Which we do every night

Tell him you are splitting. That either you and the kids move out or he does. Tell him if he loves his kids then he’ll want them to stay in the house. His choice, but it’s finished.
If he’s concerned at all about what he looks like to family and friends, then he won’t try to stay in the house.

Either way I’d make sure everyone knows that yes he did buy you flowers, but yet again he stayed out all night, didn’t communicate etc. That this is a repeating pattern and you’ve had enough. Don’t let the little shit blame you. Don’t be emotive, just factual. But try to get him out of the house first.

I’m really sorry you are upset but he is walking all over you.
Why do you tolerate that ? A 36 years old should not be going out at weekends to get pissed with friends . I never got the co copy of men going to pubs while women say home with the kids . He clearly doesn’t love you , you need to do better for your boys and yourself and leave him once and for all . What sort if example is he giving to your children ? That treating women this way is ok ?

You’re totally right.
he doesn’t go out often, to be fair. But when he does it pretty much always ends badly

I am sorry OP, but it does read like you’re just going to be mad for a day or two then let it go again. He is playing you like an absolute fool and you’re letting him.

He is either on coke, or cheating, or both. He has a wife and kids at home and is out all night, talking to you like shit and then twisting it to make you out to be the bad one? That is abusive.

You need to stop tolerating this shit, he’s walking all over you and you’re letting him.

It will be cocaine 100%. In a day or so he will be at the depressed stage of his comedown and you and the kids will be the best thing that ever happened to him, bla bla. Sad
to say, he will never change. I put up with this for years longer than I would like
to admit, he’s still doing it now to his wife after me. Unless you want to live like this forever, I honestly would start putting plans into place.

Classic gaslighting to make you feel like you're losing your mind.

I'm so sorry OP but he is scum. It might be hard initially but long term you will feel soooo much better getting rid of him! I can't believe he went out all night and not even an apology just made it all your fault!!!

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you've internalised all his nonsense and are actually questioning if its unreasonable for someone to a) go have fun while their wife is knackered and EBF and really needs a break, b) still do this while wife and baby have actual covid and his 4 year old also needs cared for (wtf would have happened if you or baby got worse? if baby's fever spiked and you needed to go to hospital?), c)show zero remorse and use the situation to highlight how you could be working harder to make him happier (really, really curious as to what his suggestions were, and where he gets the actual audacity for this).

Yes, life would be wonderful if he stepped up, but you and the kids will be fine, he'll be the one missing out. I think you'll be surprised how nice it can be when your friends and family are supporting you, rather than being gaslighted by this man-shaped sack of entitlement.

Hoping for the best of things for you ahead and the kids. And I hope the next time he's sleeping at the train station, he gets bitten by a wild fox and the footage goes viral.

OP, If you are not ready to get rid of him, at least do a little preparation.
Know the finances, search for solicitors where you can get an initial free appointment, important documents copied, especially his earnings and bank accounts. Your valuables removed to a safe place. Your passwords changed. Investigate CSA/universal credit. Just know. Knowledge is power. You don't have to use it, but don't end up blindsided.
Other posters will have a better idea of the preparation you need.

I’m sorry you are going through this. He won’t change. He and a chance to and chose not to.

The choice is now yours:
stay and accept that this is how he will be
leave him.

As it doesn’t seem like he will move out then you will have to. Move to your parents, yes there isn’t enough space but it will only be temporary until you get yourself better placed.

And be prepared for flying monkeys (his mum, brother etc…) who have only heard his side of the story and have a biased view (this behaviour might have been embedded for generations).

OP. This one phrase helped me turn around my thinking:-
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

It's him and his faulty personality. He has needs and wants that you can't possibly meet and that's not your fault.
People on here have some good advice about what to do next.