DH didn’t come home… again

[Roonil]

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Same here, take care OP

Sounds like my ex husband who was hiding a raging coke addiction.

I really wouldn't bother trying to get anywhere with him. He shown you who he is, even if drugs are behind it. Whenever you challenge his behaviour, he's turning the tables into it being your fault, so you will never win.

Please, I speak from experience, don't engage with him, just tell him it's over between you and either he moves out, or you will. Of course, he'll turn nasty, but deep down he knows he's out of order, but he's too immature to admit it to himself. If you're strong and determined he might just start to acknowledge his behaviour, but maybe by then it will be too late for you to go back and you'll feel better off without him.

The alternative is to keep complaining and he'll just keep on blaming you. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility!

Sorry you are going through this. He sounds like a moody, feckless man-child.

Sounds like you have reached your limit and who can blame you. I hope you get support IRL

Apologies if this has been asked already as I've not rtft, just OP's posts and tbf I suppose the answers to these questions don't even really matter now all things considered from OP's updates - But I'm SO confused why he expected you to leave the door unlocked all night, what if some rando off the street was trying his luck and happened upon an open, unlocked house?

He's seemingly totally okay with his wife and young children sleeping in an unlocked house all night where anything could happen if some loon decided to try their luck?

Then he had a hissy fit essentially when he discovered that you did in fact lock up? (The obviously right and safe thing to do!)

Also, does he not have his own house keys????

All of that alone is massive "WTF flag's" to me, let alone red ones.

I HRTFT but have read all your posts OP.

He isn’t worth hanging on to. This is is not a good man.

He is using something called DARVO. Because you are calling him out (rightfully - this is no way a father and husband should behave) he is denying he’s done anything wrong, then when faced with the incontrovertible truth he is attacking you and reversing victim offender. Deny, attack, reverse victim offender - DARVO.

Once you see it once you see it more. You are right to stick to your guns. Take out any emotion from the discussion and just stick to the unacceptable behaviour. When he attacks and makes you out to be the offender, don’t get drawn into defending yourself. Do exactly what you did ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, we can talk about that later, but at the moment I want to talk about …’ Keep repeating calmly. He will throw all sorts at you. May be from years ago. Probably stuff that’s unfair that you’ll want address but don’t. Just keep repeating that you can talk about that later but for now you want to talk about X.

Good luck.

aw this really sucks. I hope you’re doing ok.
You seem to have the insight to see that he’s full of shit and gaslighting you. Don’t lose that insight. I’m so glad you have supportive family. Please just get away from him and accept their help and support.i appreciate they may not have the space but i bet you will feel like the world has opened up around you once you get away from that relationship.

Just to also add, he has the audacity to say that "you have the cheek to say that he doesn't care" because you didn't want to listen to his bullshit excuses, when he has just shown you that he really doesn't care through his actual actions, which always carry more weight than words. I would be pointing that out too.

You’re no lady — you’re a bully.

To the person who suggested counselling, no way, you don't go to counselling with an abusive man!

I'm upset and fuming for you OP. Kick him out, for definite.

One thing I will say, not to be harsh, is that it sounds like he treats you like a bit of a doormat, and that as a consequence he doesn't respect you. This is all entirely HIS fault, no doubt. But it's happened. I know it's hard with young children, but maybe look at finding some time for you to do something for yourself, if you have have a good support network. Not necessarily this, but one woman on here recently, got into running (with her pram and baby!), once she kicked out her nasty, useless knob of a husband. Move on, and live your best life. When he realises the grass isn't greener, don't let him back in x

And not complain.

OP in your situation I would (did) ask him to leave a few more times, explaining that it would be best for the kids not to be disrupted, and if he refused I would (did) go myself.

There is the other option of a legal separation under the same roof (as pp mentioned) but you'd have to be very certain that you would be safe, including psychologically, and that he's not going to escalate his behaviour and punish you as you withdraw further. From the little I've read already, I don't think you would be.

I’m sorry it’s like this. But you know this is not normal or a happy relationship. For whatever reason, right now he can’t be a good dad or partner. You’ll fly on your own without the constant mental weight of this shit. Promise

I’ve only read the first post but it doesn’t sound like he cares about you or the kids in any way. He vanishes all night when you and his baby are sick with Covid? Then tells you to “cry {him} a fucking river” when you say it makes you unhappy?

Are you really married? This doesn’t sound like a married man. There’s no commitment here at all.

Life will be lovely when he’s gone. Promise. It’ll be so much easier.

@Ladyj84 you need to start looking into the dynamics of domestic abuse. You're making it sound as easy as stay or leave, if it was that easy life would be very different. It's not that easy at all. And she chose to have another baby because she wanted another baby, for her own reasons, it may or may not have anything to do with her relationship, but again, it's not simple, because life rarely is!

We could have such a lovely life if he’d just be a partner
But he isn't and your children are watching and learning. These babies are counting on you to teach them what a normal, healthy relationship looks like

He is counting on the fact that you are internalising the blame that he is shifting on to you. Be strong OP. Talk to people you trust. FEEL their support. This is NOT the life you deserve. This is NOT the life your kids deserve. You have the strength, you just need to find it

LTB

Because he's gas lighting you! That's why you feel that way.

Sounds like he was deep in coke and drinks and could not be bothered.
In his mind you and children are probably stoping him from having the best time of his life.
Sort yourself and bin him.
He will be bad role model for your children.
And I am really not a saint.

Might b cocaine. Steel yourself. Might get worse before it gets better. Try and get him out. Do not listen to his words, listen to his actions. His words are word salad designed to confuse. Boundary up. Do not listen to him. Surround yourself with people you trust. I'm sorry this is happening. Unlikely to get better.

The danger of forgiving a lot is you shoe someone how you'll allow them to treat you. I think it's time to stop forgiving.

Please leave him. You are worthy of more, so are your little ones. He is trying to gaslight you and what he’s doing when you have so much going on is sick. If you don’t at least kick him out for a bit, he will never respect you and will know he can get away with it time after time.
please talk to a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and grey rock him in the meantime. No emotion/ no response. Get him out of your life before he drives you insane and is a terrible role model for your kids ❤️ I’m sending you so much love

I’m confused, does he want to talk to you or blame you because it sounds like the latter to me.

The first brings a chance of honesty, ownership and reconciliation.

The seconds aim is pity, but result most likely to be resentment. Do not give him a chance to gaslight you. Keep your boundaries tight for you and your DC.

This. I am so sorry you are going through this. You need lots of support from your family and friends.

He's disgusting and I felt upset reading your post . Get him out