Can't face work after this

[Dimgwaith]

Work in a small law firm and came back from mat leave a month ago. Before I left a possible route to promotion was discussed although nothing concrete but I was on the cusp of a more senior leadership role and things had been going well.

They contracted a lady to cover me for the 10 months on a fixed term contract but with possibility for it to be permanent due to business growth etc.

She did an incredible job while I was out. She'd come from a larger form and brought some new ideas and experience. Also a nice colleague to work with.

The week after I returned, the more senior role I'd had my eye on last year came up and it was me and her that applied. Fresh from mat leave and a bit out of the loop of some recent goings on, I probably wasn't primed to do my very best interview but I gave it my best shot.

She got the job and is now set to be my boss.

I can't say I'm surprised, I just couldn't compete with what she's brought to the table so I know it's the right decision but it's just been such a crushing blow to my confidence/ self esteem.

I left for mat leave on a high, had started to be part of certain senior meetings and had a good profile in the business.

Now I'm back, I just feel so cast aside, I pale in comparison to this colleague and now its she who joins the senior meetings (I was removed from them).

I've spent the past few days crying and desperately searching for another job but it's not so easy - this job is more family friendly than other places and has a convenient hybrid set up, not a lot of places offer similar.

So I may just have to suck it up at least for now but I'm dreading going back to work after the Bank Holiday.

Yabu - suck it up and adapt
Yanbu - find a new job

@Dimgwaith sorry to hear she seems to have thrown you under a bus. Could you ask anyone else in the meeting (whom you’re close to) what they thought? Or, is there an opportunity to call her out publicly “did you mean for me to look stupid in the meeting? Only it seemed to me that xyz happened but you didn’t give me all the info up front, can you clarify?”

@Notquitegrownup2 what a lovely post 💗

I just feel like it will backfire on me if I try and call it out or even get too upset about it so just trying to move on.

It's hard and so disappointing. But I think you need to give it a few months to settle back into the routine and kind of lick your wounds.

I've been doing a job for 2 years, someone left so I covered all their shifts as overtime. Then they started to recruit and I didn't get it, the job I was already doing and the hours I had covered for 6 months went to someone with no experience at all.
I was gutted and felt absolutely pissed off that I'd worked so hard and was just tossed aside for someone who was brand new to the job.
Where was the loyalty?

I've had to take a deep breaths and just get one with it. DH said I could quit if I wanted to and look for something else, but I've just ploughed through. And while still bitter, I have 2 young children, one is disabled, I have hobbies. My life is full and I'll just wait for the next opportunity.
Still really mad at the company that promised it was a "career" and they put "promoting internally at their core", I don't trust them anymore, but I'll take their wages and flexible hours.

Document what happened carefully, date stamped in a private email to yourself.
This will be useful if you notice a pattern.
I can only imagine how upsetting this is for you.
You need to keep remindjng yourself of the positives of this job at the moment and focus on those.
Be seen to accept her promotion, but keep your notes if she feels the need to denigrate and humiliate you.
Keep a note of exactly who was present.
Detailed note taking is so important in situations like this should a grievance ever be necessary.
Hopefully things will settle down.

@Dimgwaith This sounds really tough. I can sympathise as I was in a similar position, on track for imminent promotion to senior associate when I went off on mat leave. I didn’t have anyone covering my leave or promoted above me but when I came back from mat leave it was made clear that the promotion was very much no longer imminent. Meanwhile someone else in another team who was the same PQE as me did get promoted. I was absolutely fuming and did start looking around for other roles, but ultimately stayed because like you I valued the flexibility that came with being known and trusted, especially in those early nursery years when the baby is constantly ill.

Ultimately, it set my career back by a year or two. I didn’t have any more DC but if I had, that would realistically have been another 2 years setback. My DC is now 8 and it’s a distant memory, but I do remember the hurt and annoyance at the time.

One thing I would say is that the legal recruitment market is buoyant at the moment and you probably could find something else easily. Firms are so much more flexible now generally with hybrid working than they were pre-pandemic - my firm and almost every other firm I know does 3 days a week in the office, 2 wfh. So maybe have a little look around, you might decide like me that it’s not worth moving but equally you might find another great role (and salaries very much stagnate when you stay put, moving is often the way to get a good pay rise).

What I really dislike is when you go for a post and you just know they are going to go with the other person.
They waste your time and just go through the motions its annoying as you could have more experience etc but they have made their mind up before you have your interview.

@Dimgwaith I think what @Lifelong said above makes sense. Document what happened. Keep
a diary for yourself - but try and just roll with things while you get up to speed. Don’t make any decisions while you’re upset and give yourself 2-3 months to settle back in. Maybe another internal opportunity will come up, or things will improve anyway, or, if not, you will be in a better state of mind to think calmly about what you want to happen. You’ve got this!

... my spidey-senses are tingling.

It is possible that your interactions will be strained due to rejection from the job. This is understandable, but it is your responsibility to manage.

Do what you need to do emotionally AWAY FROM THE OFFICE to manage this interaction. Journal, talk to friends, be with your lovely new family to remind yourself you are not incompetent/rubbish, and you are perfectly capable in doing your job well and to a high standard. Get back on that solid emotional ground. Remind yourself you are just an employee to them, and this is just a job to you.

Then....

Document and time stamp every interaction. If possible, try not to have meetings alone but if you do, follow up with an email summarising what happened, and the action points you are taking. Any pattern of bullying will become clear quickly.

If it is a misunderstanding because you are feeling rejected, then this is just good policy anyway, but if she is one of those then it will be useful in approx. 9 months (in my experience).

Best of luck

About 10 years ago, I was in a role I loved when a colleague who had previously been my manager, mentor and someone I genuinely respected, trusted and cared for (and thought it was mutual) completely turned on me. He tried to undermine and discredit me with both internal colleagues/senior management and with critical external service providers. Thankfully most could see the reality but were all left feeling like they were stuck in the middle of a conflict. It didn’t help that despite many attempts to discuss with this colleague, I was unable to get a straight answer as to what I’d apparently done to cause the bad feeling and despite a number of attempts to discuss and resolve the issue (including a mediated conversation with my new line manager) the comments, abusive and bullying emails, disgraceful and unprofessional behaviour in meetings etc all continued.

Eventually, I had to recognise the relationship would never be repaired as he was not willing to move forward and it essentially meant I was severely impeded in my ability to do my job effectively. I was heartbroken but for the sake of my emotional and mental wellbeing and to salvage the chance of keeping a career at this company, I had to move to a different role in another part of the business.

The only saving graces were I didn’t lose out on a bonus as I was sure to document all interactions, so could demonstrate that he was twisting words after the fact to cast me in a poor light. Also, the man who’d been my manager during this ended up having to work closely with this man and very quickly saw for himself just how problematic his behaviour was, so I was ultimately completely vindicated.

I’ve since gone on to much bigger and better things in the broader type of role I ended up in which may not have been the case if it wasn’t for all that happened. I still feel totally betrayed and saddened by what happened but it’s taught me to take a much more pragmatic and rational approach to work and working relationships.