Can't face work after this

[Dimgwaith]

Work in a small law firm and came back from mat leave a month ago. Before I left a possible route to promotion was discussed although nothing concrete but I was on the cusp of a more senior leadership role and things had been going well.

They contracted a lady to cover me for the 10 months on a fixed term contract but with possibility for it to be permanent due to business growth etc.

She did an incredible job while I was out. She'd come from a larger form and brought some new ideas and experience. Also a nice colleague to work with.

The week after I returned, the more senior role I'd had my eye on last year came up and it was me and her that applied. Fresh from mat leave and a bit out of the loop of some recent goings on, I probably wasn't primed to do my very best interview but I gave it my best shot.

She got the job and is now set to be my boss.

I can't say I'm surprised, I just couldn't compete with what she's brought to the table so I know it's the right decision but it's just been such a crushing blow to my confidence/ self esteem.

I left for mat leave on a high, had started to be part of certain senior meetings and had a good profile in the business.

Now I'm back, I just feel so cast aside, I pale in comparison to this colleague and now its she who joins the senior meetings (I was removed from them).

I've spent the past few days crying and desperately searching for another job but it's not so easy - this job is more family friendly than other places and has a convenient hybrid set up, not a lot of places offer similar.

So I may just have to suck it up at least for now but I'm dreading going back to work after the Bank Holiday.

Yabu - suck it up and adapt
Yanbu - find a new job

Something similar happened to one of my DC. She quit with no new job to go to and now bitterly regrets doing so.

My advice is suck it up for the moment but look around for something new.

Just accept that your long-term future isn't with this firm.

Sometimes the silliest, most minor of things can be the most upsetting! Emotions are emotions, and you are nbu to feel the way you do.
But as many others have said, there's a reason things have turned out the way they have. Enjoy not being a member of the smt; you'll have more mental energy to enjoy your baby.
Your time will come!

Society will make you pay various penalties for being a Mum and this is one of them. I say that as a child free woman in a senior role who has seen it happen to numerous colleagues over the years.

It was really frustrating to watch talented women have one arm tied behind their back like this so when I became the big boss I decided I would offer a short course of coaching upon return from mat leave - not necessarily with a view to promotion (unless they set that as their particular goal) but mainly just to signal "we want you to come back feeling valued and invested in". We have an internal team of coaches we can refer to, if your workplace doesn't have that could you ask in your performance review for them to commission a coach externally - there are loads of them about and often 3 sessions is enough to give the person the building blocks they need to start achieving whatever goal it is that they set.

@Notquitegrownup2 had the right advice at the start of the thread. Play the long game, reshape your priorities and learn from this new boss, do a good job, make yourself important to her but also, keep the main focus of your life your new family.

This happened to me when I came back from having my second baby; it had happened to an extent with my first as the girl hired to cover my maternity leave was kept on but we shared the role and for me this was better as I'd dropped a day so it meant less pressure.

When I went off a second time the original cover who was still there took over my role again and they had an intern to help out too, as they didn't have the budget to get another full recruitment like before. My line manager (our shared manager) changed whilst I was off the second time and when I came back it became clear very quickly that the new line manager preferred my colleague over me.

She got all the good projects, I was given the bitty less important ones. It was demotivating and I brought it up but was told that I wasn't working at the same pace as my colleague.

This hurt as my colleague was single and would work out-with paid hours (ie weekends and stay late during the week) to get things done. Which I could not do with two young children at home. My new line manager was also single and also worked this way (whereas my previous line manager had a family and was always telling me they were the priority).

Eventually it became clear I was not gelling in this new team dynamic so I applied to transfer to another internal team which was more suited to my skillset. As my line manager didn't object I was able to (which would have not happened before). I've been there for a while now and it's so much better. There's no guarantee that this will be permanent but who knows?

I look back now at the early days when I first came back and I felt like I was being sidelined and frozen out and I'd cry a lot about it but now I realise I'm actually in a better, more interesting role. With the same hours and no pressure to do unpaid work.

I can totally understand how you feel.

But my guess is this lady is older? Older family or no kids?

You say she is good.

Was she where you are now at one point? Could you use her to learn? Talk to her about how she progressed her career etc.

As much as we say having a baby shouldn't affect anything the truth is that whilst you may have got the role you've been away 10 months and someone with more experience has come along.

But you can and will be that person one day. And you have the perfect person to learn from.

Especially because if she is older she'll retire before you

Right now you have a good job that works well with having a family. For me that's the best of both worlds

I've been both the person who took on a maternity cover contract, then got promoted to be the returner's boss, and the person who went on maternity to come back and have a newly joined person promoted above me into a job I could do. This was all in the same company.

Try and not take it personally. They are not saying you are doing a bad job. Lots of companies will do whatever they think is right for the company, and don't focus so much on the people, unfortunately.

If you have a manager senior to you, it's a waste of resources for you both to be in senior meetings/chats, as it only needs one of you, and it's appropriate for that to be the most senior person, which is your manager.

Take the positives from this role, and reframe it in your mind in that it's flexible and suits your new life with a baby.

If you're really finding it too difficult to reconcile this to yourself, you need to look for a new job. That's what I did in my second scenario, and secured myself much greater flexibility, and a 43% pay rise, so it all worked out for the best.

It's unfair because if you hadn't gone on mat leave she would never have joined and the likelihood is you would be in that job now.

So you have been penalised for having a baby.

But at the same time they have done nothing wrong. They hired the best person for the job. It's also unfortunate it's happened so soon after returning as this put you at a disadvantage

I'd look for a new one role and for now keep proving yourself in the current one

Work with your new manager, she sounds like she would be really supportive of your career development.

I'm managing a guy who went for my job, he had been on the org for a lot longer than me. He made it awkward for a few months but he's genuinely a nice guy and he's got all of my support to shape his role in any way he wants.

Chill out.

Your new baby and great family friendly working conditions are far more important than a senior position.

Be thankful she is a nice colleague, and hope you can continue to work well together.

Then go home to what's really important!

This with giant bells on. Its a job. That's all. It's a career. Fabulous If you left/ had an accident / died they'd send an email round,send flowers to your funeral and fill your position in a fortnight. It doesn't matter how high powered a person is, they are replaceable. Never forget it. If people are pleasant to work with that's a bonus. If it's fun ,that's a bonus. What happens outside work is far more important.

Time to move on

The stress of a demanding job and a brand new baby would put you under a lot of pressure and maybe spoil the lovely early days. Of getting to know your baby. You are generous minded enough to recognise the skills of your colleague, this will stand you in good stead and increase your popularity. Of course you could have done the job and the baby but would have felt stretched. Make the most of this time and be ready when your time comes. My only regret is spending too little time with my babies. It goes so fast.

What firm did she come from? Maybe you could apply there if the ideas are genuinely good.

I know exactly how this feels - being cast aside and the new shiny person who has taken over.

Getting a pay packet for a job you know is more important right now than worrying about other people.

I came back from maternity leave (one year) and there were many changes. Hardly anyone had a conversation with me. My role was sidelined and I was forgotten. The woman who is 10 years younger than me, was in a higher role and became my boss. She doesn’t have children, she has time and energy I don’t have to dedicate to my job anymore. I won’t have this time for years. I’m PT on reduced hours too, so there is no way I can complete with someone who is FT.

I wanted to be the old me at work and be valued and important. A year away changed that. I’m a new mum and focused on that now. I’ve grown to like the low-brow tasks. I can come and go with no time pressure and focus on DC. I think being a mum and still having a well paying job is way more important than going up the career ladder right now. That time will come.

There are so many changes when being a new mum, don’t be hard on yourself. I bet you’ll have the opportunity to be promoted or in a role that is more senior, but it’s just not today.

^ this

A new outfit may not offer you the hybrid flexibility you need. Also, you would need to prove yourself again. You feel hurt and that is understandable, but you’re actually in a very good position. You can learn from her and when you have more flexibility, perhaps bring that that to a new firm. At the moment, after having a baby you need familiar touch points so I wouldn’t jump ship too quickly.

Sounds hard. However at present you have a flexible job. They come in very handy when you want to see events at nursery or if you suddenly have to pick them up when they are ill. It's difficult when other people jump you and you worry you aren't valued to stagnant. I feel that I'm just watching my workplace just pass me by
However my husband often reminds me of the value of a job in a box. I am left alone to get on with my job without checking in with anyone for days and definitely no chance of career progression any longer. However it gives me a lot of leave even pro rata, WFH less than half a mile from school, flexibility if I need to pick one of them up early. That's priceless and when the youngest is older enough for wrap around care next year then I'll look at going back full time elsewhere or upping my hours here if they can find me the work.

This is also my experience OP, and unfortunately the experience of a lot of mums returning to work.

You have just had your darling baby and you are building your little family alongside a successful career as a lawyer - be kind to yourself as these are monumental achievements in and of themselves. Is baby sleeping through? are you exhausted? how are you adjusting to motherhood? you've had a huge life change, you're doing great OP.

When the same thing happened to me the new family started to take precedence as I just felt my baby needed me more than my job. I work as an associate professor which took years to achieve and I just had to put aside the fact that a better, more dedicated person had come in to do my role. She did a better job of it than me - she has no kids and just has the time and energy to dedicate herself to it while I was still doing night feeds and exhausted from parenting. DD is two now and we work together in our team. She is absolutely lovely and I have to just admit she is just way better at the job than me. I'm now pregnant with baby 2 so career wise I've just had to stagnate. Professor roles will be there for me when I'm in my 40s but my babies need me now.

Be kind to yourself, you've been through a fairly big life change and it's ok not to slot straight back in where you left.

So this is me but I GOT the promotion. And I can attest that it is a lot. Too much. All that glitters certainly isn't gold.

Yes, I got a pay increase, and now qualify for a bonus and I got more stock, so the money is there but at what cost? My mental health. My physical health. My family time. The pressure is immense.

I had to tell them straight after the job was confirmed that I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and my DCs will be 24 months apart, so really I was back from mat leave 6 months when I felll pregnant again, plus got the promotion at the same time.

Right now I'm counting down the weeks to go again. I doubt I will be in the job too long when I get back. Recently I went on an overseas trip when DS was really unwell and I caught it and it was not worth the stress on DH as well as DS and me.

The senior meetings are not all they're cracked up to be! Expected to really listen and follow and contribute and at times present, it can be exhausting when you're under slept or mind elsewhere.

I'm in the situation now, so I feel grateful to have a promotion, an expanding family and the money but I do sometimes miss my last pregnancy. I was so comfortable in that old role and it was a breeze in comparison, albeit also without a toddler! I feel like all eyes are on me to perform and fix things and raise the bar. It's exhausting.

I also want to add that I actually started this company on a maternity cover position. I was made permanent before I contract was up but in a different role, and am 10 years in and very senior now.

It's massively nerve wracking taking on a maternity cover position. People tend to do it with a view they can be made permanent, so do take things they are over qualified for.

Plus, as a contractor, you have a fire in your belly... every hour of the day counts to make an impression. It's not the same as taking on a full time role and passing probation. It's so much more than that.

You can't compete with that. Unfortunately not being in the senior channel is a bi-product of not getting the role but not getting the role is fate. Your time will come later.

I could have written ttme this 20 years ago. You're lucky she's a nice colleague. The lady I hired to cover my mat leave made sure when I came back that I didn't have a clue what was going on. Only shared half of what I needed to know. Let me turn up to internal and client meetings to look I'll prepared missing crucial points that I absolutely could not have known unless she told me. Tried to manage it, then escalated to our manager. Was told to sort it between us. She said ended up getting my promotion. Best thing that ever happened career was use. It took 2 months but I found a new job and was with them for 17 yrs. Made life long friends and had a job I loved.

Sometimes the nightmare is the universe forcing your hand or open that new door

Good luck

Thanks for this comment. Needed to read it today of all days

So I thought she was a nice colleague, she recently won employee of the month and everyone always raves about how nice she is. I'm always a bit suspicious when people are too nice but had no reason to doubt it as she seemed lovely.

Today she threw me under the bus in a meeting. I felt really skewered by her in front of wider team. She made me look ridiculous and I just froze and couldn't find right words. Am totally mortified.

I don't even feel like I have any allies I can turn to for help. They will all choose her as she's brought in more work/ money so I have to swallow this and carry on. I will compose myself, I just need to remember that I'm not as rubbish as she made me feel.

Rang my mum sobbing like an upset schoolgirl this evening. Gosh I wish I could just win the lottery and sack work off

One crap moment at work doesn't define you.

Crying is useful, especially to someone kind who loves you like your mum. It's a good stress release and it will help you to compose yourself that you've come home and let yourself feel how you feel.

Bide your time, but don't give up on yourself. You will get where you need to be in the long run.

This happened to me. I opted to do nothing, enjoy raising my young family and let the new person do the hard job.

In the end she didn’t stay, and I ended up with the job anyway a few years later!