Can't face work after this

[Dimgwaith]

Work in a small law firm and came back from mat leave a month ago. Before I left a possible route to promotion was discussed although nothing concrete but I was on the cusp of a more senior leadership role and things had been going well.

They contracted a lady to cover me for the 10 months on a fixed term contract but with possibility for it to be permanent due to business growth etc.

She did an incredible job while I was out. She'd come from a larger form and brought some new ideas and experience. Also a nice colleague to work with.

The week after I returned, the more senior role I'd had my eye on last year came up and it was me and her that applied. Fresh from mat leave and a bit out of the loop of some recent goings on, I probably wasn't primed to do my very best interview but I gave it my best shot.

She got the job and is now set to be my boss.

I can't say I'm surprised, I just couldn't compete with what she's brought to the table so I know it's the right decision but it's just been such a crushing blow to my confidence/ self esteem.

I left for mat leave on a high, had started to be part of certain senior meetings and had a good profile in the business.

Now I'm back, I just feel so cast aside, I pale in comparison to this colleague and now its she who joins the senior meetings (I was removed from them).

I've spent the past few days crying and desperately searching for another job but it's not so easy - this job is more family friendly than other places and has a convenient hybrid set up, not a lot of places offer similar.

So I may just have to suck it up at least for now but I'm dreading going back to work after the Bank Holiday.

Yabu - suck it up and adapt
Yanbu - find a new job

This is true. I had two horrid miscarriages before baby so it was a painful road to get there and the current situation is one I am ultimately very grateful for.

I think it's not really the promotion itself as I totally agree with the decision, more the being pushed out of spaces/ meetings at work that I was part of before and feeling downgraded. It feels like a personal rejection, even though I know it's not, it's just business at the end of the day, but it's cut deep.

then certain colleagues who acted like my best buddies when I was in a position of more power, now bareLy acknowledge me and so these 'work relationships ' just feel phony and political now and it's a shit realisation.

Great advice to show your mettle, put your best foot forward and learn from her whilst settling in to be a working mother.
How many women grapple with stress and burn out within a year of returning to work. Take this opportunity to learn, adjust and as suggested, play the long game. You have got this.

Oh and regarding the whole feeling of being thrown aside by the management team and no longer fawned on by colleagues.....take this as a great life lesson.
Companies 100% suit themselves.
Colleagues are usually people you associate with during work hours.
Those that keep these demarcations clear in their head are very wise IMO.

Yes I've definitely learnt my lesson.

It's easy to start feeling like you're irreplaceable at work but this has brought it home that everyone can be replaced

In my senior finance career, I have witnessed several "irreplaceable" key directors etc, drop dead in billion dollar businesses.
It was humbling/educational/shocking .....to see how seamlessly things moved on from them
No one is invaluable/irreplaceable.
Those that really get this are ahead of the crowd.

Did you really want it (and the extra stress and responsibility that comes with it) or did you feel you should have it?

The two things aren't the same and it's easy to think we ought to strive for a certain level whether it's the right time or not.

I suspect being above someone you obviously feel is good at a time your confidence is low may have been worse for you in the long term.

Enjoy your little one and make the most of the family friendly policies. Promotion opportunities will come again but you will never get back this time with your child.

Yes you lost out but to a good candidate. Showing you can be a team player is important and this experience will help you manage others when you do reach that level.

Give yourself a day or two to feel sad and then feel relief you don't have to be part of the late meetings when you just want to get home. You are still just as good as before.

@Dimgwaith of course your self-esteem is dented but, you do need to reframe this as others have said. If you get on with your new boss you could probably open up about how you know she will do well and it was the right decision, but you can’t help feeling hurt. You could ask to
go back on the leadership teams/groups so you can learn how she does the role. This can be an opportunity to gain experience without being too pressurised as you make your return. Good luck!

This is really good advice! Very well put….
coming back from mat leave is SO hard!! Just take it one step at a time.
Good luck op

Yes this.

I came back from a mat leave to find prized parts of my role had been taken away. Raised it, it got me nowhere.

I had to work (single mum) so got on with it and just focussed on doing a good job. My career eventually leapfrogged the person who had taken my favourite bits of the role and I ended up managing her (and a big department).

This is just one person, in one firm. Whether you grow your role internally or end up moving, there will be lots more chances of you keep looking.

You may also be grateful to progress at a slower pace while your children are small. I am glad now of those few less high profile years while my children were tiny.

Do you get on well with new colleague? If so, and given she clearly has lots of fresh ideas and experience, could you ask her about mentoring/coaching you?

It could help strengthen your prospects if you do decide to look for a role elsewhere, plus you may genuinely find it helpful. Plus being seen to take such a proactive approach to your own development may also help your standing where you are now?

At least it's someone you can respect and learn from. I'd use the opportunity to learn things from her to get up to her level and then look to move on in a few years. Hopefully she is good at developing people and will help you progress your career.

I used to think of colleagues almost as friends and a bit of a work family, but seeing how easily I can be replaced has given* me a wake up call.*

There was a thread on here a few months back from a woman who had "devoted" herself to her job for years, but who eventually got made redundant.

Someone gave her some very sage advice, that showing how much the job meant to her was very different from bringing value to the company, and that it's the ones who do a great job but who seem to be in a position to potentially be hired by a competitor who get the promotions.

amazing how being fertile scuppers your employment opportunities @Dimgwaith

Same happened to me, in a law firm too, had a MC and got made redundant 10 weeks later. Nice

They dont want women with responsibilities

and do keep going @Dimgwaith , by all means make a voodoo doll of your replacement, but keep going and keep smiling!

I’m not sure I agree with ‘you’d have chosen to have your baby over the promotion’/‘you might be grateful for the slower progress in the early years’ etc. No, you’ve been sidelined because you went on mat leave and that is shit and we shouldn’t rationalise or excuse that happening to women just because they become mothers. That said, I really don’t recommend any form of stropping at work - I’ve never really seen it work out well for anyone. What I really do recommend is making a big effort to absorb and reflect the things you admire about your new manager, and tell her you’re doing that. Ask and expect her to develop you to promotion ready - that’s part of her job and it sounds like she’ll be good at it. Use her to your advantage.

you’ve been sidelined because you went on mat leave

I think the only impact maternity leave had on the hiring decision was that her replacement was more skilled. That's what has scuppered her promotion. OP openly says the new person has brought a lot with them.

I would try very hard not to be in the mindset she was overlooked due to maternity leave. That's just going to cause unhappiness. Recognising the successful candidate was the better choice due to experience and skills will influence how OP interacts with them and increase the likelihood of a positive, beneficial working relationship.

@Dimgwaith all of the above AND as much as you might be looking forward to getting your teeth back into it again, this might be letting you release some emotions about leaving your baby with others that you haven't wanted to express?

Give yourself some time & space to get back into working, adapt to all the changes that doing that with a baby bring. Going back from MAT leave is a big change even if you're ready to!

You've had some great advice on here. And you must know deep down that promotion isn't the right move for you right now. A new baby settling into a new routine and you getting your brain back into gear after 10 months off isn't the time to be looking for promotion. It'd make a time of adjustment even harder.

You'd be mad to look for another job now... you'd have to be proving yourself and working above and beyond just when you're finding your feet with juggling a baby and work. Your current company sound great. They'll help you get back into work mode with the support you need right now.

Give it another 12 months and you'll see this has all been for the best. The only thing I would ask is if you can be given a performance plan to get you to the level that you want to be.

Good luck OP. You've got a good job! There are many places that wouldn't give you the support you need when you get back from maternity leave. That counts for a lot.

If I’ve understood correctly, OP is the same level of seniority as she always was but has been uninvited from meetings that she attended before. In which case, that’s actually not really related to this other vacancy/hiring decision. Like I said, I wouldn’t strop or let it affect her relationship with the new LM but I wouldn’t exert myself to interpret the firm’s actions too generously either. Inclusive environments don’t happen by accident - mat leave returners dropping off guestlists or suddenly getting all the boring work is exactly the sort of stuff good leaders don’t allow to happen.

TBH OP you were kind of set up to fail seeing as you’d only just gone back after absence and had been out of the loop as opposed to your cover who’d been there for the time you were away. Employer may also have had concerns you may need to take time off if baby is ill/childcare issues and may not be fully focused on job and struggled taking on more responsibilities with a young child.

Not that that’s right at all but sadly employers would probably chose a employee without a young baby/child as opposed to one with and yours know you’ve just have one. They’d never admit it though so not much point in challenging it.

It’s good you applied as it shows you have come back wanting to progress and you obviously did well only getting one point less. I would take it on the chin for now and not let it affect your confidence, prove to yourself you can do your job well as well as juggling being a mum.

You don’t want to be moving jobs at this stage as you wouldn’t have 2 years employment protection which is quite valuable when you are tied into a childcare contract. I’d settle back in for a bit and review in a year or so.

On a positive slant your a new mum taking a step back and giving yourself a bit of headspace and room for your family might be a good thing.

Learn all you can from her and then when you are ready look at your options.

Rejection's a bitch isn't it! It doesn't matter where it comes from or how big or small it is, its super tough to take.

I hope you have treated yourself to a big commiseration-tiramisu (or similar) and feel free to sit in the dumps for a while.

This person still might have applied anyway if it was an external post, but still boo-sucks for you.

I came back from maternity leave and both times had a few things that knocked my confidence, I felt invisible at times. I decided to ‘use’ work as awful as that sounds! I’ve always been a 110% effort person at work but I decided to do a good enough job and kept my head down and got on. As they’ve got older I’ve now applied for other jobs in the place I work and now it’s been my time to focus on my job. I know there are many people who work on their career from their children being young but this worked well for me.

Learn everything you can from her and once you're feeling stronger and the timing is right look for somewhere you can use that knowledge. It may or may not be with your current organisation. It's so hard to detach emotionally and having a baby is tough on its own without adding stress of senior management roles to it.

Enjoy your baby and try to be philosophical about it. And always, always, always get things in writing!!