Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid drama

59 replies

FarmersWife11 · 25/05/2024 22:24

So a month ago I was bridesmaid for a friend, she was one of my bridesmaids a couple of years ago and so naturally we invited her then bf, now dh for the wedding as well.
We have been friends a fairly long time but don’t see eachother loads, keep in touch via messages but our circles of friends wouldn’t overlap at all.
When she was wedding planning, she said the ceremony was going to be v small, so none of the bridesmaids partners could be there. I was slightly worried because I didn’t know anybody else there other than the bride and groom but said that was totally fine of course. We then left the ceremony and went to another venue for lunch where it transpired one of the other 2 bridesmaids boyfriends was invited so was waiting for her, the other bridesmaid didn’t have a partner but knew all the mutual friends who were there for the lunch. I knew the bride and groom and nobody else.
I ended up sitting in my own with a drink after lunch, unable to barge in on anybodies conversation, watching all the couples who all knew eachother mingling and felt myself getting upset, at this point I popped outside and got some fresh air and spoke to my dh briefly, got more upset explaining the situation to him and decided to quietly slip away.
A couple of weeks after the wedding the bride and I had messaged a few times but I can’t deny I was a bit hurt by her not inviting my dh for the lunch, she knows him, we’ve been together 12 years and it would have made such a huge difference to my day to have had someone there for me in a room full of strangers. So the messages were a bit strained and she then asked if I was okay, I very carefully worded a message explaining why I was a bit upset, one of our partners was invited but not mine etc, not confrontational but she replied rather abruptly. I then replied again and said it was all water under the bridge I was just a little upset on the day when the other bridesmaid told me in the say back for the lunch that her bf was back there. She’s now not replied for about 10 days.
YABU- I should message again and apologise.
YANBU - it was a bit thoughtless and unkind to not invite my dh

Thanks to anyone who got this far 🙌🏼

OP posts:
MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 25/05/2024 22:27

What was her reasoning/ her response to the message?

Original poster
FarmersWife11 · 25/05/2024 22:32

That she had told me partners could not come and the other bridesmaid’s bf was a friend of both bride and groom so that was why.

OP posts:
Juliet194 · 25/05/2024 22:45

Although you may have been hurt, it was very rude to leave her wedding reception without saying goodbye. Really rude considering it was a small reception.

So the messages were a bit strained and she then asked if I was okay, I very carefully worded a message explaining why I was a bit upset, one of our partners was invited but not mine etc, not confrontational but she replied rather abruptly.

Sounds like you were being passive aggressive with your messages, she directly asked if you were okay and then addressed your issue; the other partner was invited because he is also friends with the groom. Not because he is the partner of the other bridesmaid. Though tbh she can invite who she wants to her wedding and doesn't owe you an explanation.

You've come across quite childish, rude and petty tbh.

If you value your friendship, then I would apologise.

If you don't, then let it go.

Original poster
FarmersWife11 · 26/05/2024 02:38

I should have said that when I left the evening guests had mostly all arrived, so there were a lot more people by this point, she wouldn’t have noticed when I left.
My messages weren’t PA, i think she noticed I was a bit quieter than usual but I was quite upset by the whole day, there were a few other little things that happened on the say which I felt were a bit unkind, I had been mulling this all over and was still bothered by it two weeks later, hence mentioning it to her.

OP posts:
Mamai100 · 26/05/2024 02:49

She should have invited your DH, especially as you didn't know anyone else. I think that was really bad form on her part.

You shouldn't have left without saying goodbye either, that was bad form on your part, it was rude.

You could text to apologise if you want to salvage the friendship but it's clear she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. Did she not even invite your DH to the evening do?

milesmachine · 26/05/2024 03:11

Sorry but I think YABU and very rude actually. I'd be quite upset if I was your friend

She explained beforehand that it was a small wedding (so you would have known you'd have to make some small talk on the day) and I'd imagine they therefore had quite a tight budget. The cost of an extra guest isn't to be sniffed at

She's also explained that the partner of the other bridesmaid was friend to both the bride and groom so not just a 'plus one' the same way your DH is

If she extended the invite to your DH I'd imagine she also felt she'd have to tag a plus one onto the third bridesmaid

I would have sucked it up for my friend on her (hopefully) once in a lifetime day and made small talk. Presumably you had some shared experiences (hen do?) with the other bridesmaids?

Leaving without saying anything was a massive over reaction

I think you owe your friend an apology

RoseGoldEagle · 26/05/2024 03:34

Would it honestly have been that awful to just make a bit of slightly awkward small talk with a few people for a few hours, have a couple of drinks and then go home, for the sake of your very close friends wedding? I get it wouldn’t have been the most enjoyable evening ever, but to actually not be able to cope with it to the extent that you left? I think that was really quite rude honestly. You weren’t on holiday with these people for a week, it was a few hours!

theGooHasGone · 26/05/2024 03:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gindreams · 26/05/2024 04:23

What a ghastly way to treat a friend ! Are you always so dramatic and selfish?

NeverHadHaveHas · 26/05/2024 04:34

Saying it’s all water under the bridge only to then in the same message tell her why it’s not water under the bridge is an immature and passive aggressive way of dealing with it. You should have just said nothing or been clear.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/05/2024 04:59

I wouldn't expect my friend to come alone to an event they knew nobody at. I don't think that's kind. Being alone in a room full of people who all know eahcother sounds like absolute hell. It's not about making small talk even, they'll be having their own conversations not wanting to small talk with a random. I'd hate every second. Other people don't stop having feelings just becuase it's your wedding.

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 05:10

Bad form by your ‘friend’ for you to be a bridesmaid and it is a big deal - your comfort also matters. Bit neglectful to ignore your partner on the day when others were invited. Unless they have a personal issue with him (which they could’ve explained)
You’re allowed to feel hurt.

pikkumyy77 · 26/05/2024 05:16

I don’t understand the complete inability to so socialize at a wedding. The main topic of conversation is right there. yYou eat, drink, and go home.

hopscotcher · 26/05/2024 06:07

I don't think you need to apologise - you honestly and carefully explained your feelings to her, so now she knows why your messages were a bit strained.
If it genuinely is 'water under the bridge' though (which it may not have felt like to your friend, given that you were still upset after the event) I think you need to avoid mentioning it again & try to move on, unless it's part of a pattern of uncaring behaviour from your friend that needs to be addressed in a bigger way.

RawBloomers · 26/05/2024 06:26

If you didn’t want to go to a wedding without your DH, and I think that’s fine, you should have turned her down when she invited you. I tend to think weddings, on the whole, should recognise the role partners play in people’s lives - it’s kind of the point of the institution - so it seems churlish to me not to invite partners (and children!). But if someone invites me solo I’m not going to say yes and then spend my time feeling sorry for myself because I didn’t get a +1.

Her reason for inviting the other BM’s partner is perfectly valid, it fits in with what she told you about the day and does not indicate unfavourable treatment of you in comparison. So the sulking and leaving without saying goodbye were uncalled for. Having been rude on the day, when you found this out you should have been a bit embarrassed about your reaction and behaviour, really. It was kind of childish.

Of course we all like to know people in a setting like that and it’s a bit awkward to make small talk with others you don’t know and probably won’t see again. But it’s just a few hours of your life and you were there to support your friend in something that was incredibly important to her. I think you lost sight of that.

Strictly1 · 26/05/2024 06:35

You knew the score before you went. Yes it was uncomfortable but not the end of the world. Your reaction is over the top, you were rude and then you’ve carried it on. I’d apologise and hope your friend forgives you.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 26/05/2024 06:39

People can be thoughtless when it comes to their wedding. I am a big believer in my party-my guest list, but I'm also a believer in everyone enjoying themselves at my party. If I know I am inviting someone who knows absolutely nobody other than me, and I'm likely to not be able to take much notice of them on the day I will always invite them to bring someone along with them. It's not like they don't know your husband. She was bridesmaid at his wedding!!

I think it was bad form on her part. I think she's now not talking to you because you called her out and she realises it was a dick move.

The other bf being invited shouldn't be an issue,he's a mutual friend. But your DH should have been invited.

HGP · 26/05/2024 06:46

It’s not that small a wedding if they have 3 bridesmaids and nighttime guests. I’d be asking if she likes your DH. I’d be upset too OP.

Bumblebee907 · 26/05/2024 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Emmaaa1990 · 26/05/2024 06:53

There's a lot of mean comments here. Fair enough the bride informed OP of the plan but it is odd she wouldn't invite her partner of 12 years who she would know surely. Especially if you are her bridesmaid, I'm getting married in August have 4 bridesmaids and all of their partners are invited. It's abit unfair to leave one out but invite the other, I'd definitely feel put out too whether she explained or not. Personally I couldn't do that to my friend.

MrsClatterbuck · 26/05/2024 06:55

I don't understand why she didn't even invite your dh to the evening party. Tbh it's basic etiquette to invite the spouse or partner of a couple to a wedding I was always taught. Though I'm in Ireland where not inviting would be very rare

NigelHarmansNewWife · 26/05/2024 06:58

FarmersWife11 · 26/05/2024 02:38

I should have said that when I left the evening guests had mostly all arrived, so there were a lot more people by this point, she wouldn’t have noticed when I left.
My messages weren’t PA, i think she noticed I was a bit quieter than usual but I was quite upset by the whole day, there were a few other little things that happened on the say which I felt were a bit unkind, I had been mulling this all over and was still bothered by it two weeks later, hence mentioning it to her.

When you left, did you speak with the bride and let her know you were going? If you didn't then that's really rude of you.

crumblingschools · 26/05/2024 07:01

Was your DH not invited to the evening do?

Bearbookagainandagain · 26/05/2024 07:02

YABU, surely you can spend 1 evening of your life without your partner and make a little bit of an effort to mingle? They can invite whoever they like to their wedding, and you knew who would be there in advance - you could have declined.

Even if it was really bad, it was ok to leave but there was absolutely no need to sulk and tell her about it days after. How would you feel if someone came and told you they really had a shit day at your wedding?

ManilowBarry · 26/05/2024 07:03

'unable to barge in on anybodies conversation'

You chose to sit there like a lemon instead of engaging with others.

Introducing yourself is not barging in and people probably thought you were stand offish or in a mood by your sitting there looking glum.

The bride was upfront with you and you took umbrage.