Bridesmaid drama

[FarmersWife11]

So a month ago I was bridesmaid for a friend, she was one of my bridesmaids a couple of years ago and so naturally we invited her then bf, now dh for the wedding as well.
We have been friends a fairly long time but don’t see eachother loads, keep in touch via messages but our circles of friends wouldn’t overlap at all.
When she was wedding planning, she said the ceremony was going to be v small, so none of the bridesmaids partners could be there. I was slightly worried because I didn’t know anybody else there other than the bride and groom but said that was totally fine of course. We then left the ceremony and went to another venue for lunch where it transpired one of the other 2 bridesmaids boyfriends was invited so was waiting for her, the other bridesmaid didn’t have a partner but knew all the mutual friends who were there for the lunch. I knew the bride and groom and nobody else.
I ended up sitting in my own with a drink after lunch, unable to barge in on anybodies conversation, watching all the couples who all knew eachother mingling and felt myself getting upset, at this point I popped outside and got some fresh air and spoke to my dh briefly, got more upset explaining the situation to him and decided to quietly slip away.
A couple of weeks after the wedding the bride and I had messaged a few times but I can’t deny I was a bit hurt by her not inviting my dh for the lunch, she knows him, we’ve been together 12 years and it would have made such a huge difference to my day to have had someone there for me in a room full of strangers. So the messages were a bit strained and she then asked if I was okay, I very carefully worded a message explaining why I was a bit upset, one of our partners was invited but not mine etc, not confrontational but she replied rather abruptly. I then replied again and said it was all water under the bridge I was just a little upset on the day when the other bridesmaid told me in the say back for the lunch that her bf was back there. She’s now not replied for about 10 days.
YABU- I should message again and apologise.
YANBU - it was a bit thoughtless and unkind to not invite my dh

Thanks to anyone who got this far 🙌🏼

For married people the default is to invite the couple. She was very rude to plan a day she knew one of her guests would find most of the day with people she didn't know, not everyone can happily chat to strangers.

I wouldn’t message again and apologize. You’ve already apologized, and it doesn’t sound like you said anything inappropriate.
if a friend asks you what is wrong, and doesn’t want to hear an uncomfortable truth about how you’re feeling, and can’t let it go even when you say , oh well, water under the bridge, she’s not much of a friend, I’m afraid.

we all have moments when we’re feeling bad, and things could have gone better, or been planned better/ more fairly. You should be able to express that it was hard for you to sit there all alone - and be heard.

its not like she could fix anything now, of course, but she could have said something like - that sucks, I’m sorry, I didn’t intend it to be that way, etc.

I would just let her be in her silence, OP. You didn’t say anything wrong. Continuing to apologize would just be a sort of groveling, and really, what is there to apologize for? Having feelings? You don’t need to apologize for feeling a bit sad.

YABU. You were a bridesmaid at a wedding and left without saying goodbye because no one was talking to you. Yeah it's not ideal but there are times where you have to put the big girl pants on and suck it up, this is one of those times. If it was that bad you should have made an excuse that you were feeling really unwell or something, really not cool to just disappear and then get the hump about it.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid long before I knew the plan for the wedding, so pulling out a few months before when I learned dh wasn’t invited would have been worse surely. She had said to me before the wedding now they weren’t having any bridesmaids partners but it would be fine because we were all in the same boat and would have eachother. I thought it was just the people who had been at the ceremony going back afterwards so I was a bit upset when one of the other bridesmaids and I were in the car heading from the ceremony to the lunch and she called him to say she was on her way and told me he was coming and he was there waiting for her. I just felt as though considering she knew there wasn’t another person in the room other than the bride and groom that I would know she would have extended the lunch invite to my dh. She didn’t have an official hen do, just a gathering at her house which she didn’t mention to me until 3 days beforehand, by which time I had plans and couldn’t be there.

I agree, and ‘her wedding her rules’ does not trump basic good manners…one of the biggest rules which often seems to be forgotten with modern weddings, is the comfort of your guests

It seems like your main problem is the fact that the other bridesmaids partner was there. YABU. You don't know the dynamics of their relationships with other people and sulking and bringing it up weeks later is just silly.

Sulking is not a good look.
I’d contact your friend, apologise and move on.

Tbh saying something after the event was pretty pointless.

It’s sad that you struggled to be alone for the day but you could have said prior to the actual day.

You have made it about you.

I can't imagine being someone's bridesmaid, and not knowing anyone there? Seems strange to not know the brides family, even vaguely enough to make small talk!

YABU. It was up to you to mingle and chat. It sounds like you sat on your own and sulked all afternoon. Not saying goodbye is dreadful.

I think you were being unreasonable. It was no plus ones but the other bridesmaids boyfriend wasn't a plus one, he was a friend of the bride and groom.
I think it was unfortunate that you couldn't find anyone to talk too.

I don't think the bride and groom did anything wrong.

I still feel awful about a friend I invited to my wedding who didn’t have a partner but she didn’t know anyone. I should have given her a plus one to bring her sister or another friend in hindsight.

I don’t think it was very thoughtful of your friend. I would leave it, depends if your bothered by the loss of her friendship

I ended up doing hair for a friend of a friend's very small wedding once. When I got there the bride had had a couple of people cancel and invited me to come to the wedding as she didn't want it to look like there were multiple empty spaces. I said yes as it was a nice gesture. I literally didn't know anyone INCLUDING the bride and groom, other than my friend who was a bridesmaid and therefore was away from me for large portions of the day. I had a great time, but I also made the effort to approach people and talk to the them. Did you actually try interacting with people or did you just sit there and get offended that they were wrapped up in other conversations?

I think there's two sides to this really... but mostly YANBU

She absolutely 100% should have given you a plus one. Not because I think everyone should get one, but because you didn't know anybody else. Also I think it's fair to give +1 to bridal party as they usually invest a lot in your day and they're VIPs...and that's even if they haven't met your partner. She obviously had met yours so there's that too!

So I think she was unfair there.

I was going to say beyond that it was your fault for going to the wedding, however I see that you were misled into thinking you would be able to stick with the bridesmaids who also did not have +1.
In fact one did, and finding this out on the day, on the spot, left you unable process the disappointment/hurt privately. It also stopped you being able to make a decision to decline. Furthermore it sounds like neither bridesmaid tried to include you and 'look after you' the way they really should have if they knew people and you didn't, and if they saw you on your own.
So all of that is really rubbish.

I do think once finding yourself in that awkward and hurtful situation you should have done your best to mingle despite everything. It's easy for me to say that though because I'm socially confident, and I guess maybe you're not as much? It doesn't sound like you are (which is fair enough). I know many people don't want to just walk up to a crowd of strangers and chat. And even I would be put off if they weren't receptive to me very quickly.

I think everything you did is fair enough and you haven't done anything wrong UNTIL you left without saying goodbye. I think that was too far. I think you should apologise for that profusely and make sure you do say you enjoyed the wedding etc, but just explain that you felt a tad uncomfortable socially towards the end so after a really lovely day you felt it was time to leave and didn't want to draw any attention so slipped away but you regret it now and you're very sorry if it's caused any offence etc.

Brides are usually quite anxious after their wedding reflecting on it all and wondering if people had a nice time etc. There's often a big come down and a touch of low mood.. so hearing there was drama with her bridesmaid and they maybe didn't have a nice day or have fallen out with her is really just the last thing she needs right now and will tarnish what is supposed to be a cherish special memory to last a lifetime. If you attach yourself in a negative way to that memory it's really going to be the kiss of death for the friendship (maybe already too late) because she will never forget and it's pretty cruel to tarnish the memory

I think this is one of those things you need to suck up and get over. It was her wedding day and she deserves to remember it without you casting a downer on it. Technically you've already done that though. I would apologise and tell her what a beautiful day it was and hope she gets past you tarnishing her wedding memory.

You feel what you feel about it.

Not everyone is a social butterfly and can just easily make small talk with strangers. Especially strangers who all already know each other and form "groups."

Some people have social anxiety and pretend as you might that it's as easy as "ripping off an Elastoplast," to mingle with others-this isn't the case for everyone. Some people really struggle and feel incredibly awkward and like they're barging into people's conversations where others would just see it as a normal form of interaction.

Not everyone is built the same-and it's pure ignorance to pretend that they are.

I do think that the bride and groom have absolute right to choose who attends their wedding-however, I also think it's a bit remiss to not invite your DH to the lunch or at least the evening do if they've invited the partner of another of the bridesmaids. Especially when the rule was allegedly "no partners."

It's also a little bit off that the bride would likely have known you didn't know anyone-and it sounds from what you've posted-you're not the type to strike up conversations with just anyone-and not try and factor that into her guest list. As much as I do think it's her wedding, her choice-factoring in the comfort of your guests should also be a priority.

That said, it's done now-and it can't be changed-so what do you do going forward? You can either stew on it and allow it to ruin your friendship-or if you value your friendship and consider this to have been an oversight on her part-(weddings are stressful to plan and sometimes-that can mean things get overlooked) what can be done to put it right?

If you value your friendship, try and let this go. She obviously values you as a friend-and maybe because you seemed happy to go along with it as it was-she didn't think it would be an issue. It just seems a bit much to continue to let this fester when nothing can be done about it now.

If you don't value the friendship, leave everything as is and let the friendship go.

As much as I understand your upset, I don't think it's sufficient cause to ruin a friendship over.

DO NOT APOLOGISE!!!

Sorry OP, but you sound like a pathetic people pleaser and you need to stop apologising for wanting others to treat you with a modicum of respect.

I wouldn’t be bothered myself about not knowing anyone as I attended a wedding recently on my own as DH was too poorly and so joined in and chatted to various groups of people standing around. But I’m not you.

In your shoes and already feeling awkward, I would have left as soon possible knowing that the bride had invited the other bridesmaid’s boyfriend but not your husband. That was a dick move on her part especially as you were her bridesmaid and not just a normal guest and she and her DP had attended your wedding together.

I’d be cooling this friendship as it’s all about what she wants and she clearly doesn’t care about your feelings at all, given her response afterwards. I guarantee that this won’t have been a one-off. People like her always prioritise themselves especially when they know you’re a push over and won’t push back.

This not giving a plus one seems incredibly rude, especially a bridesmaid. Trotting out 'her wedding her choice' is an excuse to cover poor manners.

I cannot understand how she thought it would be okay to invite one bridesmaids boyfriend but not the other bridesmaids husband, when she was bridesmaid at your wedding! She’s very rude. I am sorry your friendship has deteriorated over this but it doesn’t sound like it was in a great place before. I’d let it just die a quiet death now I think op.

What all day? You’re expected to talk about the couple all day to people you don’t know? Sounds like hell to me.

There's unreasonableness on both sides, but I think a bridesmaid sneaking off home half way through the day without saying goodbye to the Bride & Groom is more unreasonable on balance. It's extremely rude.

Have you never attended anything on your own before? I often go to work related events where I don't know a soul and just have to put discomfort aside and make some small talk. At a wedding it starts with 'doesn't the bride look beautiful' or 'lovely venue isn't it?' or 'what a relief the rain held off! How do you know the Bride & Groom?'.

Very odd. I'm single so I've got through a few awkward situations on my own, but given that she had just been to your wedding, and you were her bridesmaid and the other bridesmaids were allowed to bring their plus one, it was odd.

Some people, I've realised, they are so warm and obliging and generous to people while they're trying to win them over, but later, they take people for granted.

I think you both sound rude to be honest. Especially when she moved the goal posts about partners being invited. Not even inviting your husband to the evening part is a bit much. Then you sidled off early

As her bridesmaid, she’ll have noticed you left. As much as I completely understand you found it an awkward experience I’d just apologise as it was a huge event in her life and just a one off awkward day for you and not worth loosing a friend over. Also it sounds like a reasonable reason for the other boyfriend being there.

'it would have made such a huge difference to my day to have had someone there for me'

But it wasn't your day, your DH wasn't invited and you knew this in advance. If you are really so co-dependent that you need your DH with you at all times then surely it would have been wiser to have declined the invite. I would imagine most adults are capable of making it though a lunch without having to leave to have a cry down the phone to their partners and then leaving completely.