Is this normal behaviour from PIL

[PeachShark]

I’m really struggling with how my PIL (mainly MIL, but more recently FIL also) are around my DS (11 months)

My MIL has become fixated on the idea that she wants to be able to rock him to sleep, rather than let me feed him.
I breastfeed and cosleep so he is still very much being fed to sleep, I am fine with this and I’m taking things at his pace.

We visit them once a week. He usually has one nap during the visit. He is essentially whisked away the moment we walk through the door. This is fine, I let them get on with it, they want to play with him, feed him, fine. My issue is when he starts fussing and it becomes clear he wants a milk feed and is getting tired but they seem to do everything in their power to comfort him themselves. Then I politely interject and say “ah I think he needs a milk feed”… MIL usually ignores me and will continue to try rock him until I physically take him off her and recently FIL has actually started responding with “oh I think he just wants a cuddle” or “oh let MIL rock him off” - the cuddle comment was when he was holding DS who was pushing him away crying, so yeah definitely wasn’t looking for a cuddle.

Yesterday he was crawling to me starting to cry, clearly coming to find me as he wanted milk/comfort/mummy/getting tired, and they were physically stopping him and pulling him away, to which I stepped in and said “I’ll feed him” and then FIL said, “MIL can rock him” and I said “I’d rather respond to his needs”.

I could tell MIL was not happy, there was a really tense atmosphere in the room and nobody spoke for ages afterwards.

I can’t stand how I feel judged and am challenged when I just want to respond to what my baby needs/wants. It’s exhausting that they seem to turn it into a strange competition of who can comfort DS best, and it’s just really getting to me.

Is this typical behaviour for grandparents? Curious to know what the dynamic is like for others. There are honestly a million other things in addition to this that are just getting on my nerves and I don’t know if it’s me or them that’s the issue! One example of every time we visit FIL take loads of photos of MIL with DS and posts them in our WhatsApp group. It just feels unnecessary and over the top. We see them weekly if not twice a week and every time we get an influx of these photos. I’m actually considering speaking to a therapist about it because it’s all getting to me so much.

where in earth is your partner in this scenario?

in any event, quit with the “politely interjecting” and a clear unequivocal “nope, love you being with her and playing with her… but when it comes to feeding and sleep… it’s our way only”

so odd you don’t mention your partner
their own child!

Have you spoken to your partner about how his parents are making you feel?

this is the MiL who calls you a “milk machine”? according to your other thread about her

no it’s not normal but then why are you seeing them so much when they upset you every time?

What's your husbands perspective? How is he supporting?

Basically this happens when my partner isn’t there. We go over as we have a cleaner who comes to ours and DH takes our dog out for a walk at this time. So he’s not actually there to step in.
He understands where I’m coming from but honestly I need to vent so much that it’s almost like boy who cries wolf, I think he’s a bit desensitised to it if that makes sense.
He also thinks their behaviour comes from a good place, not that he agrees with it but he thinks they’re just trying to help

yep

Just don't go to visit them without your husband there aswell

Ah, that one.
Why the need for another post then?
Of course it’s not normal. MIL is horrendous and the pair of them are treating your child like a toy instead of putting his needs first.
If you really have to endure these weekly visits you will have to be much more firm. I’m guessing the baby’s father is a wet lettuce who won’t stand up to them?

Don’t see them without DH being there. Take your son for a walk with DH and dog and only see his parents with him.

why don’t you take the dog out for a walk and he stay with them

either way op…. woman up, be straight with them, and then you won’t need to keep starting mumsnet threads about them

Honestly just the need to vent and they make me feel like it’s me being possessive or a helicopter rather than just wanting to respond to DS, it’s like I need to check that yes this behaviour is in fact abnormal right?
I don’t really have anyone I can talk to that really understands - most of my friends don’t breastfeed or have babies and my own DM is strange about breastfeeding in her own ways. Mumsnet is cheaper than therapy right now 😅

They’re not trying to help. They’re trying to parent your baby, it obviously doesn’t work because he wants you, and they don’t care because they’re just using him for entertainment.
DH shouldn’t be taking the dog for a walk, he should be there helping you.
In your shoes I’d rather stay in the house and keep out of the cleaner’s way.

OP this isn’t a big deal.

Your baby isn’t a fragile newborn

either go for a dog walk and avoid the situation; or stick around when the cleaner is there (like most of us do just fine!) or… woman up and be straight with them

most of my friends don’t breastfeed

irrelevant to the issue OP

It’s not irrelevant

You know their behaviour is abnormal, people came to your previous threads to agree with you.
Venting but doing nothing about the situation that’s upsetting you and your child is no use. They’ll keep on upsetting him and ignoring and insulting you as he gets older. It’s no way to live. But this is at least 50% a husband problem. You have to either put your foot down big time with all of them, or accept that you’re allowing it to happen.

yep OP it is

You’re asking whether you’re being OtT

you don’t need to breastfeed to see your situation and think…. yeah they’re being unreasonable

breastfeeding isn’t something that means you get special understanding about what is unreasonable or not re behaviour towards your baby

Options.

1. Don't go alone.

1. Continue to go, but tell them to stop with the rocking to sleep stuff. Firmly. He's hungry, hand him back so I can feed him. Oh, I'll rock him to sleep. No thanks, he needs his feed. Pass him here. And if they don't, it's time to leave.

1. Get dh to talk to them about all of the shit. I don't know what milk machine is about, presumably they've called you this before? That's not on. And your partner needs to tell them that he wants them to stop being weird about their grandson being breastfed and stop trying to rock him to sleep when he needs feeding. Your dh may well think it's coming from a good place, but it doesn't mean they can continue to do it. It doesn't need to be horrible, just firm.

1. Let them rock him to sleep. See what happens.

1. You speak to them. Before it all happens. Nice to see you. I'm glad you're both here because I wanted a quick chat about baby's feed time. I know you'd like to rock him to sleep, but that's not the stage we're in. When he shows he's hungry, please just give him straight to me to feed. You can have cuddles any other time, but this has been going in a while and I do want it to stop.

My dc are 19 and 20 year's old. The time you have with your baby is so precious. They really do grow up so fast. Don't let ANYONE spoil this for you. Stay in your house and chill with your baby.

The point I’m trying to make is that I have one friend who cosleeps and breastfeeds and who also still can’t leave her baby with other people as she will scream until she has the boob.
I have friends who don’t breastfeed that have babies who settle without the need for boob so for them they can’t understand why I can’t leave my baby for a longer stretch by himself, whereas my friend in my situation can relate to and understand it. This is my experience from my friends who I’ve spoken to about it. That’s the point I was making.

get yourself some new friends that can see whether a scenario is unreasonable irrespective of how they feed their own baby!

Reduce your time with them, only go when your partner can come with you. You can always up your visits once you have finished BF (if you want to) and they can have more time with DS

This is so true. I need to make a change because it’s coming up to a year and it’s the same old crap to deal with so it’s clearly not going to improve