Is this normal behaviour from PIL

[PeachShark]

I’m really struggling with how my PIL (mainly MIL, but more recently FIL also) are around my DS (11 months)

My MIL has become fixated on the idea that she wants to be able to rock him to sleep, rather than let me feed him.
I breastfeed and cosleep so he is still very much being fed to sleep, I am fine with this and I’m taking things at his pace.

We visit them once a week. He usually has one nap during the visit. He is essentially whisked away the moment we walk through the door. This is fine, I let them get on with it, they want to play with him, feed him, fine. My issue is when he starts fussing and it becomes clear he wants a milk feed and is getting tired but they seem to do everything in their power to comfort him themselves. Then I politely interject and say “ah I think he needs a milk feed”… MIL usually ignores me and will continue to try rock him until I physically take him off her and recently FIL has actually started responding with “oh I think he just wants a cuddle” or “oh let MIL rock him off” - the cuddle comment was when he was holding DS who was pushing him away crying, so yeah definitely wasn’t looking for a cuddle.

Yesterday he was crawling to me starting to cry, clearly coming to find me as he wanted milk/comfort/mummy/getting tired, and they were physically stopping him and pulling him away, to which I stepped in and said “I’ll feed him” and then FIL said, “MIL can rock him” and I said “I’d rather respond to his needs”.

I could tell MIL was not happy, there was a really tense atmosphere in the room and nobody spoke for ages afterwards.

I can’t stand how I feel judged and am challenged when I just want to respond to what my baby needs/wants. It’s exhausting that they seem to turn it into a strange competition of who can comfort DS best, and it’s just really getting to me.

Is this typical behaviour for grandparents? Curious to know what the dynamic is like for others. There are honestly a million other things in addition to this that are just getting on my nerves and I don’t know if it’s me or them that’s the issue! One example of every time we visit FIL take loads of photos of MIL with DS and posts them in our WhatsApp group. It just feels unnecessary and over the top. We see them weekly if not twice a week and every time we get an influx of these photos. I’m actually considering speaking to a therapist about it because it’s all getting to me so much.

The visits need to be absolutely reduced you’re right

MIL rocked him to sleep a few weeks ago and he drifted off so I was fine with that, didn’t need to intervene- but then that’s made her more determined than ever so she was persisting yesterday even though he was continuing to cry and fight it. But yes I’m happy to let them try if he seems ok with it. And I’m going to avoid being there without DH. In terms of either of us confronting them directly, it’s one of those things that will probably blow up into a massive falling out which we don’t want so it’s a tricky one.

You don't need your friends to be breastfeeding in order to understand this OP! Those of us who had to formula feed are still mothers with MILS too, you know!

Why not say, forecast looks good, I’m not going to come over on Tuesday, I’ll take DS out to the park instead. Seeing people who piss you off twice a week is a lot. It’s no wonder you’re irritated.

the photos are not a big deal. Just ignore them.

I think you need to be more blunt with them. If you say “give me my baby back now please” and they can’t respect it, I would insist again and leave.

I appreciate that my wording there wasn’t very clear, that’s not what I meant so sorry if it came across that way.

Yes I think we’ve been overly concerned about how changing the plans/cancelling might make her feel but I’ve been then neglecting how it’s effecting me and then it all just gets too much. I just need to grow a pair and starting suiting ourselves more

@PeachShark Firstly, please stop saying "boob" it's incredibly cringey.
I think you have a major misunderstanding of formula fed babies! You do realise that they also need the bottle in order to settle, don't you? You do realise that they also (most of them at least) scream when taken away from their mother, don't you? Just because you have a friend who is different to this (sounds like they have a very unusual setup/routine from what you've described), does not mean this is the norm! Not by any stretch.

Milk is milk, wherever it comes from. I don't want to start a breast milk vs formula debate but I know what I was told by my DC's consultant when in hospital due to feeding issues and let's just say, breast is not always^ best. Emphasis on the not always.

So please, I beg you, stop with the 'only 'proper' mums understand basic English' nonsense as it's hurtful to any new mums out there who are forced to be formula feeding and frankly it's just plain wrong.

Stoping a baby or child in distress trying to access its parent is just down right cruel. Stop going to theirs without your DH. When the cleaner comes sit out in the garden under a shade or go to a cafe or join your DH on the walk. Just stop going. Who cares if it blows up or causes issues they are already causing issues. This is prime age for separation anxiety when they realise they are not the same person as you and want comfort in any way. Feeding to sleep is lovely

They aren't going to change, so nothing changes unless you change what you do. Surely you and dc should be getting more freah air an exercise. How come your dh gets to dig walk on his own? Surely you and dc can go along too, it's important for your fitness (if anyone asks)

Completely agree with your comment here @EnglishBluebell
Formula fed my baby, but I still understand the frustration of the OPs post.
OP, probably worth thinking about how you phrase things, it can be a sensitive subject as it is 😊

I understand @PeachShark . If you are breastfeeding solo re your personal community, it can be lonely at times when looking for advice or support. It’s the same as many life events - this is currently yours.

Re your inlaws, either you go less, take dh or simply take no shit. I vote for the take no shit route. So much more useful in the long run. You can be pleasant bit the metaphor I always think of in parenting is “if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad then Muhammad must go to the mountain”. Or, in two words “be inexorable”.

Why can you only visit when the cleaner is at yours? And why is that the only time your DH can walk the dog? Surely there's a time when you and DH can both vist the ILs.

Wow. Ok you’ve completely taken that the wrong way. I’ve already tried to explain what I meant in a previous post so sorry if it came across that way that is absolutely not what I was saying. I was not trying to belittle bottle feeding. Of course bottle fed babies need and want their mothers as do breastfed babies, as if I was saying otherwise. My baby’s issue is he feeds to sleep at the breast, so it make my situation tricky when MIL wants to get him to sleep herself. Really interesting that you seem to have taken what I said and twisted it into an insult towards bottle feeding mothers, but then directly bash my friends ‘set up’ (and in turn mine as it’s the same).

I think I'd be tempted to say "but he wants the milk machine"...

Or "why don't you want me to give him lunch? I don't withhold food from you..."

”DH takes our dog out for a walk at this time."

That's interesting.

YOU go to HIS parents while he avoids that by going with the dog.

If you need to get out of the house while the cleaner is there then find something else to do.

Don't go to their house once a week. Get them to meet you in the park for half an hour.
Or get DH to take the baby on his own over there.

My MIL was like that. She was overbearing, but in hindsight with my first baby I was super controlling and protective of him and wanted to keep others away. I think it's a sort of instinct. If I was an animal I'd have been snarling at MIL for coming too close to the baby! It was that sort of feeling.

I kind of relaxed as I got older and could let her mind them for a bit or DH bring them over without me being there.

I would not want to bring the baby to see them at all. They're physically stopping you from caring for your child/ stopping baby from accessing you. It's such a big boundary they've crossed and are not going to suddenly back down.
Maybe it comes from a place of 'trying to help,' but it's up to you when and how you feed/comfort your child. You need to tell your partner to tell his parents to keep their noses out of this side of things. It seems like they won't listen to you!

Well, you know now that their behaviour isn't normal and you're not overreacting. What are you going to do? It might be an idea to start taking the dog out together with your DH and DS once a week, so that's one less trip to the PILs. Is there an activity or rhyme time at the library or something that you could take him to at the same time as the cleaner coming?

Basically just reduce the amount of time you spend alone with the PILs. Oh, and get yourself a t-shirt that says "Milk Machine" on it 🤮 and only wear it to PILs house.

Op. This isn't normal behaviour but very common. These ppl have no boundaries and when you're forced to speak up or be more forceful then you would otherwise be you're the one being made to feel bad because you've said you can tell she's not happy. She's not the baby's mother. She's had her time as a parent and in order to be a good grandmother she needs to respect her dil right to be with her child when ever mum or baby want that. I think rather then get upset next time, just say it straight. Tell her you you shouldn't have to ask to comfort your own child... or maybe your partner needs to speak up and say this either way for your sanity speak up.

Just don't go.

You do realise that unless you assert yourself now these are the type of people who will undermine you at every turn. When your ds is older and you're trying to discipline him they will be the type to say "there there isn't mummy mean" and it will affect your relationship with your child and partner.

I never understand why people tolerate this. You are the parent. Don't see them until they can learn to be respectful. They need you more than you need them.

Why do you have to leave when the cleaner is there?! Just sit in your chair, watch netflix and feed your baby...

Then don't go when he is walking the dog.

You put yourself and your child in that position. You can stop doing that, especially as the weather is getting nicer.

Pick something else to do in this timeslot and tell your DH that you won't ever be going to his parents on your own again

Set your stall out now.
you have been WAY too polite.

Reduce visits.
Do not go alone.
Make statements not suggestions.

if/when it happens next….
”mil please give me DS now. He needs a feed”
“fil please don’t interfere.”
”Mil, I know you heard me, give me DS now please”

if they don’t do it first time pick him and leave. Literally walk out and leave your stuff if need be. Your DH can collect it.
then feed him in the back seat of your car if you need to.

When she wants to cry and fil wants to bluster to DH… let them. And don’t back down.

its your way or the highway.
they don’t get to make you feel like crap.

you do not get this time back and have enough to make you feel like shit about your mothering without your “family” adding to it.

This

They have an issue with you breastfeeding an 11 month old.
Bet you!