Is this normal behaviour from PIL

[PeachShark]

I’m really struggling with how my PIL (mainly MIL, but more recently FIL also) are around my DS (11 months)

My MIL has become fixated on the idea that she wants to be able to rock him to sleep, rather than let me feed him.
I breastfeed and cosleep so he is still very much being fed to sleep, I am fine with this and I’m taking things at his pace.

We visit them once a week. He usually has one nap during the visit. He is essentially whisked away the moment we walk through the door. This is fine, I let them get on with it, they want to play with him, feed him, fine. My issue is when he starts fussing and it becomes clear he wants a milk feed and is getting tired but they seem to do everything in their power to comfort him themselves. Then I politely interject and say “ah I think he needs a milk feed”… MIL usually ignores me and will continue to try rock him until I physically take him off her and recently FIL has actually started responding with “oh I think he just wants a cuddle” or “oh let MIL rock him off” - the cuddle comment was when he was holding DS who was pushing him away crying, so yeah definitely wasn’t looking for a cuddle.

Yesterday he was crawling to me starting to cry, clearly coming to find me as he wanted milk/comfort/mummy/getting tired, and they were physically stopping him and pulling him away, to which I stepped in and said “I’ll feed him” and then FIL said, “MIL can rock him” and I said “I’d rather respond to his needs”.

I could tell MIL was not happy, there was a really tense atmosphere in the room and nobody spoke for ages afterwards.

I can’t stand how I feel judged and am challenged when I just want to respond to what my baby needs/wants. It’s exhausting that they seem to turn it into a strange competition of who can comfort DS best, and it’s just really getting to me.

Is this typical behaviour for grandparents? Curious to know what the dynamic is like for others. There are honestly a million other things in addition to this that are just getting on my nerves and I don’t know if it’s me or them that’s the issue! One example of every time we visit FIL take loads of photos of MIL with DS and posts them in our WhatsApp group. It just feels unnecessary and over the top. We see them weekly if not twice a week and every time we get an influx of these photos. I’m actually considering speaking to a therapist about it because it’s all getting to me so much.

If you were ever ill or unable to be there when baby soon to be toddler needs a nap knowing others can settle him is actually a good thing babies generally want your boob if they see you. Have you had some time like a morning without baby yet?

The grabbing, refusing to hand back and the competitive soothing etc is so familiar. One of the things that ruined my relationship with my MIL. I used to be sat there all hormonal, screaming in my head ‘give me my baby back!!!’ I started off too polite to say anything and then after a few months started to take back/try not to hand over at all and probably be a bit passive aggressive which on hind sight wasn’t the way to deal with it at all but I just found it all so stressful. Relationship has never recovered.

Op, the solution to this problem really can't be any easier. You stop going to their home without your husband, no exceptions. If they ask why, you tell them directly. You're sick and tired of being made to feel your parenting choices are shite, so you're not putting up with it anymore. Life is too short to tolerate this nonsense.

No it's not normal.

What does your DH say to/about them?

So go somewhere else when the cleaner is there

See them at your house not theirs (not so often), and you can take you and DC upstairs away from them

This - this is what the issue is. They’re determined to prove that you shouldn’t be breastfeeding now - you need to stand your ground firmly. To be honest, I wouldn’t go over for a while, and DH would have had a verbal rocket up his rear from me by now.

He needs to have a firm talk with his DP and say that their comments and withholding baby from you must stop.

I agree breastfeeding is a red herring and it would help to get it out of your head. If it wasn't breast feeding it would be something else. MIL is the matriarch in ever sense in DH's family. Her prowess is unmatched in their eyes so everyone else takes a second seat. I will acknowledge she's an incredibly intelligent, kind and capable woman. She's been at their helm for so long and is so incredible everyone defers to her. But it didn't matter whether it was bottle feeding or breast feeding, weaning, sleeping, safety, walking, development milestones anything. Her way was the ideal and anything deviating from that got a raised eyebrow. FIL would regularly wave me off with a let MIL deal with it. Luckily I have a great relationship with her so would think nothing of taking my baby off her or saying that's a great idea I must look into it, and then ignoring. But if I was tired or my defenses were low it would drive me to distraction instead of just being something to roll my eyes at.

DH problem. I find it very telling that your DH avoids these visits altogether by walking the dog. He literally gets time to himself and for you to do the tedious PIL visit. Fuck that.

Of course its not irrelevant! What an idd thing to say!

OP is looking for some support.

Stop going there without your partner being there too, is it him telling you that you have to go visit them? He can walk the dog whenever! Yes in general grandparents can be a nightmare once you have kids, it's your child so if baby needs feeding just pick them up and go feed him, you don't need to ask to have your baby back.

I would take the dog and let dh take ds to grandparents.

I never breast fed my son a day in my life and I find their behaviour odd. If my child is distressed and I ask for them back then you'd better hand him over, no ifs or buts. This obsession of rocking baby to sleep that your mil has is weird, she's putting her own need to fulfill this fantasy over your child's needs and I wouldn't stand for it.

I suspect they think he's getting too big for breastfeeding. You'd be surprised how many people are uncomfortable with it, don't mind seeing you breastfeeding a newborn but if you're still feeding a 1 year old they think you're being somehow over the top/mother earth/ total hippie etc 😂 I'd make sure DH is there and backs you up when you visit. Or just ask then straight out if they have a problem with you breastfeeding an older baby?

We see them weekly if not twice a week

you are a saint.

The photos are a bit much, but I can understand the excitement, I'd let that go.
Treating the baby like a puppy or a toy is bad enough, but a bad atmosphere when the own mother wants to cuddle her own child? That is enough to prove they are overbearing selfish unpleasant individuals.

What I would do personally is see a lot less of them, but I don't specially like conflicts or have time to stress about silly people.

Breastfeeding is, I think, irrelevant because ultimately it does not matter. Your child, YOU are the mother, others should respect what is acceptable and comfortable for you. Anyone pushing at boundaries is wrong. You deserve respect and they are not giving it to you.

stop going over. lifes too short. cancel next visit now.

WTF I was unable to breastfeed either of my 2 children and I still got what the OP meant, I would have just handed my MIL a bloody bottle and told her to get in with it if that's what she wanted to do because the result would be that the baby is being fed and comforted!! Can't really do that if you are breastfeeding can you? Oh here MIL come and hold a tit and do it your way. Not once has the OP said we aren't proper mothers because we formula feed. It's ridiculous on here honestly

‘It’s not recommended to let babies cry it out anymore. He’s crying to let us know he’s not happy’.

My mum is very much like this DD can be kicking off and she’ll say she’d settling her.

I lift my baby out of anyone’s hands. Don’t be afraid to be firm.

also, the weather is getting better. Perfect reason to break this routine of going over to PIL without your DP.

This is the only solution.

OP see if you can find a breastfeeding community. A local bf support group? Of course bottle fed babies need their mums but it seems like your in-laws are trying to prove a point that your baby doesn’t ‘need’ to be breastfed. If it’s the most reliable way to get them to sleep AND you are happy with that then keep doing as you do.

I do what works for my DC, which is feeding to sleep. I have encountered judgement and eye rolls and you know what, I don’t give a monkeys.

I would go for a combination of reducing visits, taking no shit from PIL and not caring about what they say or imply. Don’t let anyone mar this precious time.

@Ihopeithinkiknow exactly how I read it.

They sound crazy op😂 but in all seriousness I would not be feeling bad being blunt with them and just saying an outright no I’ll take him now thank you!

all very odd isn’t it

At 11 months old and only breastfeeding to sleep, can't you just use an upcoming nap time as an excuse to leave? Your cleaner surely doesn't take that long. It's not like you have a newborn.

Cut down the visits. Either go out with your DH, baby and dog, or let him take baby and dog and stay at home and have a rest.

a family weekly weekend excision to the j. laws that neither op nor parter seem to want… to avoid the cleaner.

So bizarre. Take the dog out for a walk with baby and dp, and grab a bite to eat or a coffee

or

Just stay at home and cleaner workaround you