To feel lonely as f***

[Cincin22]

I'm just fed up being so lonely. I'm not alone physically, but i have NO ONE, literally no one to call and share my good or bad news with. No one.
I've been through a tough time professionally in the past few weeks, as well as my car breaking, being ill, and there is absolutely no one who i can call and talk with as these things happen! I'm so tired of coping alone!

I'm a nice person. I divorced my primary-aged kids dad last year due to emotional, verbal and financial abuse. It took me a long time to leave because i practically had and have no emotional support. Since leaving, my life has improved a lot in many ways and i dont regret it. My ex hates me for leaving. He goes around talking rubbish about me to everyone who cares to listen. I'm Ok with that.

I have no mum (she died 10 years ago), my dad is a secret (in his own mind) alcoholic who puts the phone down on my calls if he's drunk. When he's not, he hates chatting. My brothers are distant and career/image oriented. They only do formal conversations. Meet-ups always arranged in advance. Never spontaneous. I have no best friend. I have a few good friends for meet-ups and get-togethers, but no spontaneous calls for sharing news. I appreciate my neigbours. Friendly and helpful, but again, not close.

Is this normal? Does everyone else have someone to call if something good happens to them? Or if something bad happens to them?

I think a lot more people are in this situation than there used to be.

I'll be your friend op ☺

I only have one old friend from school and 2 where I live now, everyone else are just people I know.

I do have a dh, and family but they are not nearby.

I agree its not uncommon now, not that this makes it easier.
Like you I am divorced, no family close by or close in any way (lost one parent and the other has a drink problem).
Also divorced from ex similar to yours.
Sympathies.
I do find Mumsnet comforting when I feel alone.

I don't think I spontaneously call anyone really. But I do have a few friends who I could call if I need to. I think a lot of people just prefer messaging to be honest. If you've got a few people you meet up with, could you message them? Maybe arrange a meet up?

Thank you ❤️ @VeryGoodVeryNiceChickenNugget
And i didn't mean calling necesarily.. I can't Whatsapp anyone either and say 'Guess what happened..'

Oh OP I could have written your thread

I don't have anyone either. Parents are disinterested, I've got some friends for the odd meet up too but I'm always the one who initiates contact

I really want someone who I can share stuff with as well

Big hugs, I'll be your friend 🧡

I'll be your friend too! You sound wonderful.

I’ll be your friend too if you like. I’m not divorced, my siblings have their own lives & families. My DH has a load of friends and I have none. I live in Dublin so if that’s any use to you, I’m available at the end of a text or email.

Oh OP, I don't think you're alone in this. It's tough.

Most of my friends have/are in the process of moving back to their home countries or are emigrating to new ones.

I'm in Liverpool if that's of any use. If not I'm here anyway and would like to get to know you! 😃That goes for anyone else here.

My parents passed and I also lost my two most precious friends so I know how it feels to be lonely, I think there are more of us around than you realise 🤗

But you say you have a few good friends. Why can’t you message them and say this?

You are all amazing ❤️ Thank you!!
I have 3 good old friends. One of them lives in the same city. We see each other few times a month. Sometimes we bump into each other spontaneously in town..

But that's not what i mean.. Everyone seems to have a go-to person. A mum, a partner, sister, cousin..someone they would call if they won the lottery and who would be happy for them. Or if they were suddenly made redundant, they would tell that person and get comforted by them. But maybe im wrong? Maybe its normal nowadays not to have these close relationships. But my 3 friends have their partners to share with. One of them has 2 sisters she's super close to. So i'm not their first call (or whatsapp)

I really dont want to sound whiney. I appreciate mumsnet, i appreciate my friends, i appreciate my relatives, my kids etc. It's usually fine, but I've had such a shitty few weeks everything going wrong and no one to tell me its going to be Ok. We all need a little bit of reassurance sometimes.

This - how do you think those other people end up with someone to do this with? Someone in the relationship has to be the one to step up the level of sharing/intimacy.

It's hard but you can't just wait for a friend like this to come along, these kind of friendships take a lot of work and investment

@HappyAutumnFields @NotSmallButFunSize
Who is your go-to person?

I don’t have one!! There are different friends I’d go to with different stuff. A novelist friend for writing-related triumphs and disasters, different friends for child-related problems etc, a long-ago ex for job stuff, one sister for parent stuff etc.

I think you’re limiting yourself by this belief that everyone has to have one ‘go to’ person and that this person has to be yours in turn. As @NotSmallButFunSize says, this develops over time, and someone has to be the one who confides first, otherwise nothing will change.

Make your friend your ‘go to’ person! She will be there for you, I guarantee it. I only communicate via WhatsApp (just the way of the world now) but if ANY of my friends end or asked me to ring them, I would instantly.

I have no family & I’m single parent to my DD but I have friends. They take the place of family. I don’t ring them but if I needed to for good or bad news, I would.

I don’t think this is an unusual or rare situation now. Everyone is more insular I think. Lots based nowhere near family & lots in exactly the same boat.

I can also totally relate. I'm separated coming on three years. I know exactly what you mean about not having a go to person or being someone's top person. It's the adjustment from being married to not. Some days the loneliness is stifling. I feel a lot like I did growing up, alone in the world with no real friends and belonging no where. I still wish my marriage was not a big massive failure.

That said since separating I have invested in friendships which I never did very well ever before. I've opened up a lot to some people and in some cases (not all) been able to build some good friendships but it's very early days. It's definitely very hard to make friends as adults. Like PP have said I'll be your friend though!

Sorry to everyone else finding themselves lonely and isolated.

Really sorry to hear this.

Have you tried talking to your brothers about how you feel?

My brother is a very much lonewolf and way older than me, we really aren't close at all.

However, he has surprised me a couple of times and been there for me when I messaged him after I'd been SA and was suicidal then again several years later when having another mental health episode.

They're your siblings and I'm sure they would really hate to think of you feeling like this.

I'd also try to firm up your current friendships. Call one of them and tell them how you're feeling possibly? Or the one you see who lives by you confide in her.

Then when you're feeling better maybe start to think about taking up a new hobby in your area? Build friendships through that.

What area are you in? There is a woman's group where I live that puts on events for girls/women who want to make new friends.

I do t have anyone to call, I have some good friends for meet ups and the odd message but nobody I could spontaneously call without it seeming weird and nobody who ever phones me.

@Emptyjars that's it. It's hard going from being married to not being married. And i do see that some people are emotionally better catered for due to the way their birth family was set up. I guess it would be different if my mum was alive too. My whole family (dad and brothers) physically live 10 minutes away, but emotionally they might as well be on the moon. It's not about taking the first step getting closer. I've tried and tried, but I'm tired of having my efforts rejected. They won't visit unless it's birthday or christmas. It's a no for coffees, dinners, pizza, bbq.. always a no.
I would love to start making new friends too, but being a single mum it's hard to find the time. It's not like my family helps with babysitting or anything either.
Thanks for your input ❤️

@MolkosTeenageAngst I'm sorry to hear that ❤️ Do you have family at all, or are they all distant like mine? It sucks doesn't it!

I have my mum but we don’t really get on and I have siblings but we’re not really close either, we all get on well enough when we see each other but don’t really share anything of our lives day to day and they live all over the country, I don’t have any family locally.

@MolkosTeenageAngst i can totally understand that. There's just distance that can't be broken (i've tried). It's weird.

It doesn't help, i know, but it seems that there are quite a few of us who feel this way.

I,ll be your friend i`ll whatsapp you so much with stupid emojis gif that you will mostly block me lol😆.
I do think a lot of people are feeling like you op i do sometimes.
They should a MN whatsapp now that would keep us occupied.

What part of the county you in maybe they have some meet up groups in your area.

@Cincin22 yes it's the same for me as well. Both parents and siblings live close by but very little emotional support, practical support when I ask which I am grateful for though. DM is a narc and most siblings are now estranged. There's no real love or trust which makes it all the more lonely. I've only recognised recently I am truly an artifact of a terrible upbringing with a rageful psychotic narc DM. I am damaged goods and I never stood a chance to make my a success of my marriage. So I am trying my best, to be "my best self" for my DS. It is at least amicable with ex.

All you can do is look forward and try to make some positive friendships. For me it's being my real self and learning to be a good friend.

Sorry that's extremely depressing. I really do understand that loneliness you describe.