To want to continue to go no contact with in-laws?

[donutsforever7]

I have been going no contact with my in-laws for about a year now.

We started of friendly and got on but over time the expectations of what they expected from me and how they spoke to me just made me cut them off after an incident last summer.

MIL would expect me to spend hours of my time helping her and FIL when looking back now it should have been my husband or his brother helping them.

My help was never appreciated and they were not grateful despite my husband telling me otherwise.

When ex sister in law came down to visit after 25 years of her not speaking to them they took her out and spent £500 on dinner and drinks.
I never even got a thank you or a box of chocolates for all the hours spent helping them.

Even on there birthday I would get them some such nice presents but on my last birthday they gave me nothing and FIL had the cheek to complain about me not sending him a Father's Day gift/card.

MIL was also very interfering from going through our bins, ripping out my plants in the garden to demanding I have the flu and Covid vaccine, she really made my life so difficult.
The list is endless.

It finally all came to a head last summer when I had to go and help look after my uncle who had undergone major heart surgery and at one point he was not expected to pull through but thankfully he made a good recovery.

Whilst I was at the hospital my MIL sent me some really aggressive texts demanding to know why I had left her son and how lonely he was.
She knew my uncle was not well.

I finally exploded at her and blocked her and have had no contact with her or FIL since.

FIL had minor surgery to shrink his prostate a few months later and I just ignored pleas from my husband to see him and text him etc.
Why should I show them care and respect after they had no respect for my uncle who was critically ill?

It was only after a few months of no contact that I actually felt a lot better about myself and I regret not cutting them off sooner to be honest.
The constant questioning what I am doing, telling me what to do in my marriage, trying to boss me around had all stopped.

Now my husband is asking me if I would consider meeting in-laws, but I don't think it would serve any purpose.

My husband claims they "didn't realise what they were doing and have changed now".

I feel the damage is done and there is no way I am going back to such negativity.
MIL especially is such a miserable manic depressive.

My husband is desperate for me to talk to them and is making me feel bad for remaining firm.
AIBU?

Your DH is saying they have changed to drag you back in. Are they willing to hugely apologise to you? Have they even tried?

Or are they just missing their slave who they treated like crap?

I would be telling your husband it's an absolute NO and I won't discuss it again. His parents know exactly how they treated you, and it's was no accident. You were not put on this earth to be their designated punching bag. Fuck that.

They’re not going to change. While you are “helping” PIL, your DH gets free rein. He sounds fucking useless, tbh. I would continue the NC.

Tell dh he doesn't get to choose who you spend your own time with. Of he keeps on tell him the bullying stops or you will be rethinking your relationship.. He needs to be supporting your feelings not his dps...

Yanbu

Your h has an ulterior motive- he wants them to stop hounding him about you. Best case scenario, he’s ok with being treated like a small child but wants you to take 50% of the pressure so that he has an easier life.

I would stay NC for your own sanity. It’s not you fault that his parents are batshit and your h is unwilling to do or say anything.

What does your DH think you being in contact with them would look like?

Personally I think NC is entirely reasonable but if you were feeling exceptionally generous I'd say contact at best would be:
They never ever phone or text you
You see them 2-3 times a year at Christmas or big birthdays
At these times they are welcoming, polite and make no demands of you

It is very telling when a relationship ends, whose life becomes easier.

You went no contact and all of a sudden your H and your PIL's lives became more difficult because they missed your help and support.

In contrast, your life got easier, because it frees up your time, you're doing less grunt work and you are not pandering to people who don't value you.

Why would you ever go back to that? The only people who would benefit from you returning to the relationship is your PIL and your H; that's why he's keen for it to happen, it doesn't benefit you at all.

I’d say no if this was me. Your DH just wants you to take some of the load of dealing with them off him I suspect. Continue NC and stay firm - they had their chance and they treated you like shit.

YANBU to continue with the NC.

Your husband sounds like an utter arse though, leaving you to do all that for his parents.

Did he do nothing for your uncle?

@LadyDanburysHat - No they never apologised and apparently they just say they "didn't realise what they were doing" which I find hard to believe.

They do hound my husband and he just tells them "he has no updates" and leave it at that.

Seeing them 3 times a year with no further contact maybe an option.

I do get so annoyed with my husband as I don't know why he sugar coats things and avoids the direct issue instead of just trying to spare their feelings all the time.

They had their chance and they blew it (repeatedly).

Block them out and be happy.

He wants you to see them again because now they’re on his back. Enjoy your freedom.

I think you're sensible to cut contact, but I wouldn't do so to the point of creating major issues at Christmas, for example.

Not bothering with them and keeping clear of any drama they are trying to throw your way seems a good plan, joining a meal with your DH politely over the Christmas period seems a reasonable compromise with DH to avoid his relationships with either being damaged.

@donutsforever7 as others have said he is hassling you because they are on his back, it's all about making his life easier. Well that's tough!

@donutsforever7 they might only now be realising that they will need some assistance in the not too distant future! lol but you are doing fine without them and your hubby just wants to make his life easier because he will also be thinking about their future and the assistance which they will need! he wont be wanting to use his time but it looks like he thinks you should be using your time to help them!! stay strong, 3 times a year seeing them is way enough!

When I was getting hell from my PIL my DDad said give them one chance to recognise how awful their behaviour was and if they do, try again. If they don't, they're never going to change.

What I got was "whatever anybody has done or perceived to have done let's put it behind us".

Yeah no. No way was I going to go back to the demands to do exactly what they said when they said and tantrumming and harassing me when the answer was "no, sorry I have to work/look after my sick father/have had these plans in the diary for six months".

They haven't changed your husband just wants you to do all the work again. Trust your gut and stay NC.

Did you post about them before the NC? it sounds familiar. Either way, well done for standing up for yourself. Ignore your wet drip of a husband and do whatever suits you

No way.
Stay strong OP.
They - and sadly, likely also your husband - just want you to go back to being their servant again.

Do not be drawn back in.

My guess is now your DH is being expected to help & is now getting endlessly hounded by his parents. He wants you back in the fold to take the burden off him.

Hold firm. If you are happier etc without these people in your life, continue no contact. You don't owe them anything & you certainly are not obligated to have a relationship with them just because they are the in laws.

This sounds familiar…haven’t you posted before?
I seem to remember FIL was in bed rest after his prostate surgery and numerous medical people said that was rubbish…
After the way they have treated you I would continue no contact. And I would ask hubby if he isn’t sure he doesn’t want to go NC… and to stop asking you because the answer will be the same. They are adults, and responsible for their own bad behaviour. Actions have consequences and they have discovered just what those consequences are. Stay strong and tell hubby to grow a pair…

@donutsforever7

Well done in keeping a healthy distance from your demanding, entitled in-laws. Be careful also that you're being lined up for long term elder care which, of course, their son (being a man), nor ex-SIL who they welcomed back in the fold with open arms, are not.

Keep those boundaries high and strong. 🌹

I’d say “Well, they can give me a call if they want to apologise and explain it to me”.

Most likely they won’t. But I’d be interested to hear it.

@Snowfalling have you been on mumnet long?
I've been on here nealry 12 years and I can assure you many threads sound the same.
Many people go lc or no contact with in laws.
I myself use repeatedly posted about my in laws so many times.

So in the short, does it matter if op has?
It's an anonymous forum and people can post as much as they want for many different things or different aspects of the sake issue

@MinnieGirl same as above.. Why does it matter if she has?

@donutsforever7

In my experience I've always given one more chance at some point at least when it seems they are contrite. It doesn't seem like they care about you and only miss your labour.

I'd wait a little longer.

Maybe in the future give them another chance but as pp said your life gets better! Enjoy. We don't have to suffer rude people just because we married the it relative.

Tell your husband you’re looking forward to them paying for your £500 dinner?