To want to continue to go no contact with in-laws?

[donutsforever7]

I have been going no contact with my in-laws for about a year now.

We started of friendly and got on but over time the expectations of what they expected from me and how they spoke to me just made me cut them off after an incident last summer.

MIL would expect me to spend hours of my time helping her and FIL when looking back now it should have been my husband or his brother helping them.

My help was never appreciated and they were not grateful despite my husband telling me otherwise.

When ex sister in law came down to visit after 25 years of her not speaking to them they took her out and spent £500 on dinner and drinks.
I never even got a thank you or a box of chocolates for all the hours spent helping them.

Even on there birthday I would get them some such nice presents but on my last birthday they gave me nothing and FIL had the cheek to complain about me not sending him a Father's Day gift/card.

MIL was also very interfering from going through our bins, ripping out my plants in the garden to demanding I have the flu and Covid vaccine, she really made my life so difficult.
The list is endless.

It finally all came to a head last summer when I had to go and help look after my uncle who had undergone major heart surgery and at one point he was not expected to pull through but thankfully he made a good recovery.

Whilst I was at the hospital my MIL sent me some really aggressive texts demanding to know why I had left her son and how lonely he was.
She knew my uncle was not well.

I finally exploded at her and blocked her and have had no contact with her or FIL since.

FIL had minor surgery to shrink his prostate a few months later and I just ignored pleas from my husband to see him and text him etc.
Why should I show them care and respect after they had no respect for my uncle who was critically ill?

It was only after a few months of no contact that I actually felt a lot better about myself and I regret not cutting them off sooner to be honest.
The constant questioning what I am doing, telling me what to do in my marriage, trying to boss me around had all stopped.

Now my husband is asking me if I would consider meeting in-laws, but I don't think it would serve any purpose.

My husband claims they "didn't realise what they were doing and have changed now".

I feel the damage is done and there is no way I am going back to such negativity.
MIL especially is such a miserable manic depressive.

My husband is desperate for me to talk to them and is making me feel bad for remaining firm.
AIBU?

I do get so annoyed with my husband as I don't know why he sugar coats things and avoids the direct issue instead of just trying to spare their feelings all the time.

Because he's feckless and weak. How distinctly unattractive.

It matters to me.

I'm a massive proponent of people posting as many times as they want or need to when dealing with an issue. I asked whether she had posted before because it sounded familiar and I was on one of those on the other thread (possibly under another username) willing her to cut the in laws out of her life. So if it was the same poster, it feels like an update of sorts. It's not to berate the op. These things are complicated. relationships are bloody hard and sometimes it's almost impossible to see the wood for the trees. It can take a long time to figure things out and people should take their time.

I have a similar situation my MIL. I have had no contact with her since November last year. My dh asked me if I can make up with MIL. I have refused to do so.

The reason my dh wants me to make up with MIL is to stop her nagging him every-time he visits her.

My life is better without her nastiness in it.

Do what you want to do OP not what makes dh happy.

@Snowfalling apologies.

I just know when I've posted probably a million times about my in laws who have caused me and continue to cause me much suffering, I say under a name if I want people to link my threads.

If I don't do that and post under a new name it's because I don't want people to link the thread.
Obviously not you : but there are some weird nutters on here who want to berate people for not *immediately " following advice from strangers on Internet 🤣🤣and they get nasty and vicious even. " you posted before and we told you blah..
It derailes the thread and causes problems.

Your update makes it clear they have learnt nothing. They now just harrass your DH and he wishes things would go back the way they were.

There's a difference between making up with them so you could take the kids to them at Christmas, or sit on the same table at a wedding, and what your DH seems to want which is you pick up their texts 5 times a day so he doesn't have to.

Does your husband want you to go back to helping them so they won't expect him to?

My first question is 'why is your dh so desperate for you to be back in contact with them'?

It reads to me like your DH has become a flying monkey for them, trying to convince you to resume contact.

I’d have to find out what has changed that he wants you to resume contact with people that trampled on your boundaries.

• To take the heat off him
• to get himself back in the parents' good books
• to get back their service drone
• to get back their potential future carer🌹

It matters to me because if she is the same person, it’s nice to get a bit of an update. To see what’s happening and how she’s getting on. I don’t think that’s unreasonable? It wasn’t meant to attack the OP just a query

Out of interest OP, what was your DH's response when they were demanding your help, pulling up your plants, going through your bins and demanding cards and gifts that they didn't reciprocate.

Let me guess, he told you they didn't mean it/didn't mean it that way.

Did he ever volunteer to do any of the stuff they expected you to do?

Guess two - no.

Cliche alert, you have to make him more worried about your reaction that his parents'.

YABU. How would you feel if it was the other way round, him and your family? You'd feel irritated, embarrassed and stressed about it. You don't have to love them or see them often, but you married their son and you do have to be polite, for his sake.

Well no I wouldn't if they'd treated him that way for a long time and he finally cracked. Except they wouldn't have treated him that way for a long time because if they did I'd be the first standing up for him and going NC if necessary.

@MinnieGirl.. Sure.

I just think if people want to black date they can?
Unfortunately it can be used as a bit of a stick and throw things off balance.

It's your 'D'H you should be going NC with! What an arsehole!!!!

Although in the interests of fairness, I have to say that you were extremely dramatic re: your uncle. Why on earth did you need to be at the hospital for an Uncle?? I'd be incredibly confused if my DN turned up at the hospital if I'd had surgery and they'd be sent away!

Oh i fully hear you re the twats who pile on the op if she hasn't left her husband of 17 years by the second post. I've seen threads where the op has been bullied and called names when all she's asked for is some support and advice.

Time and space to reflect has shown you the truth of your relationship with the in-laws and how negative that was for you. I really wouldn't relent because they will not only treat you as bad as before, but will also likely try to guilt trip you over standing up to them and going non contact . Your husband is only wanting things to be better for him as now he's got to deal with them and their demands now . I don't believe they will have changed at all, they just want control back xxx

"We started of friendly and got on but over time the expectations of what they expected from me and how they spoke to me just made me cut them off after an incident last summer."

As has been said on many threads in the past... when people show you who they really are, believe them.

It seems like your dh has become the new help and doesn't like it, so wants you back in the position of slave.

Hi
Yes I did post previously about this, I think maybe a year ago.

Going no contact has been wonderful, peaceful and a very positive way of life for me.

Yes my husband does defend them a lot and says "they don't mean it" etc, because they put him through private school, university, paid towards his first house, and have to paid of his debts in the past I think he feels as if he owes them something and is unable to speak
up.

For nearly a whole year it has been as if they exist but all of a sudden they are asking to meet up for dinner.

I told my husband tonight that it serves no purpose to meet them as it will just bring up negative feelings again.
I told him I don't like them as people and have hurt my feelings too much and I'm not people pleasing anymore.

Of course I'm aware he will re literate something else as he doesn't like to hurt their feelings hence why they keep asking him about me.

Id just tell DH when they're ready to apologise for the way they treated you and the specific things they did wrong you'll meet them. Until then unfortunately it remains a no. If you were to meet up abd they didn't apologise or made jokes or rude comments about it all, I'd just say 'I'm very sorry I need to leave.' And just walk out. Or better yet - 'I was led to expect an apology, if you don't feel able to give one it's absolutely your decision, but it is now my decision to leave.'

Even if he does feel he owes them something, what he owes them is not you.

Oh thank you mum and dad for educating me, bailing me out, helping me buy a house... Here is my gift to you. Her name is Donuts forever, please feel free to treat her like shit.

He's fine with them hurting your feelings though, isn't he? I wouldn't give a crap about any of their feelings in this case. He's just as bad as them with his 'they don't mean it'. He's enabling them.

They have never apologised for or even acknowledged the years of disrespectful behaviour towards you. They just want to brush it all under the carpet so they can have their maid back.

You should be immensely proud of yourself for standing up to this bunch of bullies, dh included. Don't let them steal your peace of mind, your time and energy. they are like blood sucking vampires.

Tell dh, no, and don't ask me again, I don't want to hear it anymore. he's trying to wear you down. if he carries on just ignore and don't engage. He needs to know you won't even entertain the idea.

Your husband is conflict-averse. As a result he will never demand change. He needed to man-up and confront his parents in the moment and correct them. (Like puppy training…) Then they (and you) would know that his loyalty lies with you, and that their rudeness/boundary-pushing/slave-driving would have consequences.

Haven't seen my ils since Jan 2015!! Bliss. Pure bliss. Neither has dh.
Sadly your dh is too enmeshed by them to walk away. You can stay away and reap that stresslessness!!