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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my family to cut ties with my ex-husband?

58 replies

Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:03

in late 2021 I asked my husband to leave the family home because of the emotional damage he was doing to our daughter. He then filed for divorce, and we have been divorced since late 2022.

I've explained the damage he caused to my sisters and told them that he has not made any real effort to build a relationship with our daughter. She's 18 now and he didn't recognize her last 3 birthdays, or her school graduation, and hasn't sent Christmas gifts, or anything, but they, and my BiL, continue to be friendly with my him, talking on the phone and meeting him for lunch occasionally.

Am I Being Unreasonable to want him out of my life, including out of my family's life.

OP posts:
Alwaysalwayscold · 23/05/2024 19:06

YABU. It's none of your business who grown adults choose to speak to/socialise with.

StormingNorman · 23/05/2024 19:09

Completely disagree with the poster above. I would expect loyalty from my family, not fraternising with the enemy. What he did to your DD should be enough for your siblings to hate him.

Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:10

Knowing they talk to him means I can't be open with them about my life in case anything gets back to him. He's a manipulative narcissist and will use anything he can to make my life difficult, no matter that making my life difficult affects our daughter.

OP posts:
shutupbirds · 23/05/2024 19:11

I don't think you are BU at all! I would feel the same in your position, depending on what their relationships were like prior to divorce. My mum was similar with my exH, even after knowing the years of misery he caused me and our DC, she acts like he's the best thing ever. She's nice as pie if she sees him, but then comes moaning about him to me. However she doesn't go out of her way to meet him for lunch or ring for a chat! Did they all have good, close friendships with him while you were married? If so I think you probably can't just demand they stop being friends. But if it's become closer since your divorce then that's out of line imo.

Tetreb · 23/05/2024 19:11

I'm not sure I'd want anything to do with a family member who did that, knowing how he treated you and continues to treat his DD. Ex is likely meeting up with them to gain info on you both. So I'd take a step back so they have nothing to share.

Reugny · 23/05/2024 19:11

You can't control other people but you can control how you act when they talk about him.

You can either change the subject immediately, or tell them to pass him a message when they next talk to him from his daughter as he refuses to answer her calls then change the subject.

HappyFitnessQueen · 23/05/2024 19:15

Did your BIL know him before you were together? I can't see any other reason why they'd keep this link other than if they knew him before your relationship.

It's so completely out of order and I would have very little to do with the family members who keep in contact. They are being manipulated but they should have the power to say 'no'. My DB did the same, eventually saw the light (after landing me in heaps of trouble with XH) but I've never been able to trust my DB again. I warned him and he didn't listen. He showed me who he really was and how much I could trust him. V sad but there's no value to a relationship if you can't trust them.

Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:15

shutupbirds · 23/05/2024 19:11

I don't think you are BU at all! I would feel the same in your position, depending on what their relationships were like prior to divorce. My mum was similar with my exH, even after knowing the years of misery he caused me and our DC, she acts like he's the best thing ever. She's nice as pie if she sees him, but then comes moaning about him to me. However she doesn't go out of her way to meet him for lunch or ring for a chat! Did they all have good, close friendships with him while you were married? If so I think you probably can't just demand they stop being friends. But if it's become closer since your divorce then that's out of line imo.

I do think part of it is that he's been 'part of the family' since my sisters were quite young, and he's 'always' been 'part of the family' for my BiL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:16

HappyFitnessQueen · 23/05/2024 19:15

Did your BIL know him before you were together? I can't see any other reason why they'd keep this link other than if they knew him before your relationship.

It's so completely out of order and I would have very little to do with the family members who keep in contact. They are being manipulated but they should have the power to say 'no'. My DB did the same, eventually saw the light (after landing me in heaps of trouble with XH) but I've never been able to trust my DB again. I warned him and he didn't listen. He showed me who he really was and how much I could trust him. V sad but there's no value to a relationship if you can't trust them.

No, that's what I find odd. My BiL wouldn't know my ex if not through me and I can't imagine what they have in common, apart from me and DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:18

Reugny · 23/05/2024 19:11

You can't control other people but you can control how you act when they talk about him.

You can either change the subject immediately, or tell them to pass him a message when they next talk to him from his daughter as he refuses to answer her calls then change the subject.

My daughter wants nothing to do with him and as far as I'm concerned, it's up to him to try and build bridges, which he has not.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 23/05/2024 19:18

OP what do they say about him when you explain how he has treated your daughter (and you)? How do they square his treatment with maintaining his friendship? If they know but don't care or are taking his side, I would distance myself from them.

Mydahliasareshit · 23/05/2024 19:19

I'm in your position OP.

He loves and apparently thinks it's hilarious that certain family members still fawn over him, despite him now being remarried with adult children. We had no kids, there were no ties. It's been nearly 20 years now. Yet still, they stick to the 'none of my business' line.

Ok then. My business is now none of THEIR business because it's simply not safe to share things about my and current husband's life.

It's awful, OP.

Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:20

Tetreb · 23/05/2024 19:11

I'm not sure I'd want anything to do with a family member who did that, knowing how he treated you and continues to treat his DD. Ex is likely meeting up with them to gain info on you both. So I'd take a step back so they have nothing to share.

That's what I think. If my sister and my BiL separated, I'd want nothing to do with him unless my sister assured me that it was mutual, and she was okay with me staying in touch.

OP posts:
PoochiesPinkEars · 23/05/2024 19:20

I can't imagine loving my sister and niece and remaining cosy with someone who inflicted unreasonable distress on them.
And I couldn't look favourably on anyone who dropped any effort with their child, because whether I know the people involved or not, that says a lot about their character.

So either they don't care or have specially low standards for the people they are willing to spend their attention on or they don't believe you/your version of events.

So, in my opinion it's shit, and as their alliances are not firmly in your camp I'd be adjusting how much trust I put in them accordingly. Which is sad but necessary.

I say that as someone who came on to the thread expecting to say that if children were involved the father shouldn't be automatically shut out of their children's wider family communications etc and fostering bridge building etc is with seeing personal differences aside in the interest of the children.

But if he's basically dropped his DD this does not apply and is rubbish, she might be 18 now but she's still growing up and he should be interested in supporting her further development into a strong happy adult.

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 19:21

Yabu. And controlling.

How would you feel if you were told who you can and cannot be friends with?

Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:23

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 19:21

Yabu. And controlling.

How would you feel if you were told who you can and cannot be friends with?

I've expressed my feelings of hurt that they continue to be friends with him, but I'm not telling them what to do.

What a bizarre response. Are you okay?

OP posts:
Mydahliasareshit · 23/05/2024 19:24

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 19:21

Yabu. And controlling.

How would you feel if you were told who you can and cannot be friends with?

You actively desire to be friends with someone who hurt a close family member?

Jesus.

Hecatoncheires · 23/05/2024 19:24

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 19:21

Yabu. And controlling.

How would you feel if you were told who you can and cannot be friends with?

Is she fuck being controlling! She's upset that her sisters don't seem to bother about her feelings. This is a man who was damaging their niece and has ignored her for years yet they're merrily cosying up to him.

OP - I agree, it's shit and YANBU.

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 19:24

Having said that, you should be able to trust your family to respect your privacy and not discuss your affairs with him.

Grown adults should be capable of discretion.

Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:25

PoochiesPinkEars · 23/05/2024 19:20

I can't imagine loving my sister and niece and remaining cosy with someone who inflicted unreasonable distress on them.
And I couldn't look favourably on anyone who dropped any effort with their child, because whether I know the people involved or not, that says a lot about their character.

So either they don't care or have specially low standards for the people they are willing to spend their attention on or they don't believe you/your version of events.

So, in my opinion it's shit, and as their alliances are not firmly in your camp I'd be adjusting how much trust I put in them accordingly. Which is sad but necessary.

I say that as someone who came on to the thread expecting to say that if children were involved the father shouldn't be automatically shut out of their children's wider family communications etc and fostering bridge building etc is with seeing personal differences aside in the interest of the children.

But if he's basically dropped his DD this does not apply and is rubbish, she might be 18 now but she's still growing up and he should be interested in supporting her further development into a strong happy adult.

Edited

Thank you, that seems to be the crux of the matter to me. How can they be friendly to someone who has so clearly abandoned my daughter?

OP posts:
CountingCrones · 23/05/2024 19:26

You can't control who others are friends with, OP, so you'd best not try.

Tara336 · 23/05/2024 19:26

My DM keeps in contact with EXH I have repeatedly asked her not too, she's indiscreet and will think nothing of passing on personal info and I feel i have a right to privacy, ive chosen not to have him in my life and that should be respected. She was having round for coffee, going out to buy things and he was doing DIY for her! She claims to now only have phone calls with him and has cooled the relationship after I pointed out DH and I can't visit comfortably knowing we may walk in and find EXH there. Personally I'm deeply hurt she has ex round and feel betrayed especially as she knows how he has/does treat me and I think she's lying to me that she's cut contact

PoochiesPinkEars · 23/05/2024 19:27

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 19:21

Yabu. And controlling.

How would you feel if you were told who you can and cannot be friends with?

Without any context that would be completely unreasonable.

But if you're mates with someone who has damaged a loved one who then objects to your relationship then it isn't unreasonable that they should have some feelings and a view on your decision, based on why you would choose to do that, it is natural it would make them uncomfortable at least and it's a conflict of loyalties.

Conflicts of loyalties are a fact of human nature, it's why you can't even hold some jobs if you are connected with things which are opposed to the nature of the role. I.e you can't be in the police and a member of a banned political group.

The sister and bil aren't in a vacuum here.

Roundroundthegarden · 23/05/2024 19:27

Yanbu, the type of people who think notching of someone disregarding their child in that way deserves not a second of my time. They sound so awful and not really like family.

Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:28

Just add that my daughter has absolutely flourished since he left. Before I asked him to leave, she was practically catatonic with anxiety and depression, harming herself and on the verge of anorexia, and now she's a healthy, happy, teenager, with a great appetite for life (and food), and growing independence.

OP posts: