To want my family to cut ties with my ex-husband?

[Oodiks]

in late 2021 I asked my husband to leave the family home because of the emotional damage he was doing to our daughter. He then filed for divorce, and we have been divorced since late 2022.

I've explained the damage he caused to my sisters and told them that he has not made any real effort to build a relationship with our daughter. She's 18 now and he didn't recognize her last 3 birthdays, or her school graduation, and hasn't sent Christmas gifts, or anything, but they, and my BiL, continue to be friendly with my him, talking on the phone and meeting him for lunch occasionally.

Am I Being Unreasonable to want him out of my life, including out of my family's life.

You cant tell an adult what to do or who they can talk to end of.
But if it bothers you so much.
If it was me in your shoes i would fizzle out from the whole lot of them family as well.
And move home and get on with my own life and leave them all at it.
Lifes too short for constant drama.

@saltinesandcoffeecups fair enough. And to be fair, we always joke that if my brother and his wife ever broke up, we'd all be team SIL!

If it were me Op, I would cool it with the family members. I don't understand why some people can't see the issue here. This isn't about you being controlling. Ultimately, people who you should be able to trust and relax with are maintaining a bond with someone who treated you and your daughter very badly. It would be no different if they were family or a good friend, it's a betrayal. It's not unreasonable to judge someone who gives up on their child, yet here is your daughter watching her relatives play happy families with a loser dad who can't even send her a birthday card. They have no loyalty to you and I would think less of them, not trust them and reduce my contact with them.

Completely disagree with anyone who says "you can't control who adults mix with" or along those lines.

If someone has hurt me or my kids and my family members just accept it and still mix with them, then they are bellends. If someone's hurt you, you want your nearest and dearest to support you and vice versa.

If someone hurts my family then they go straight on my dickhead list. Expecting loyalty from family isn't unreasonable if they claim to love you etc.

@Oodiks how terribly disloyal your family are being to you and your daughter!! i would seriously be considering going very low contact with family who do this! you dont know that they are not talking discussing your affairs!

@StormingNorman The most likely reason is that the wider family do not agree with OP's assessment of her ex. They don't see him in the same light as she does.

That could be because, like many abusers, he only showed his behaviour behind closed doors and was charming in public, so they were never witness to it.

Or it could be because there are two sides to the argument and they don't agree with the op that he is as bad as she says.

They aren't rejecting the OP, but they aren't cutting off the ex either. If he's been part of the family for years, that's not so very odd.

Of course, I think it's the first, that he only showed his unpleasant side when it was just us, but he'll be pushing the second, that there are two sides to the story and I'm exaggerating. And if it were just about the two of us, I'd get it, but they've seen for themselves the difference in our daughter since I got him out of our lives, so how can they believe his story?

@Oodiks I agree. So unfair that he should be overshadowing your new chapter of freedom from him by keeping his tentacles draped over you like this.