AIBU to keep my son away from my mams cousin.

[BoyMama1409]

Long one so please stay with me. My son was born September 23 and almost instantly my mams cousin (who insists on referring to herself as Auntie when speaking to my son), who hadn’t had anything to do with me for a long time, was constantly on the phone asking about the baby. Any time she was at my mams and I was there she would ask to change his nappy and feed him (I know some might think she’s trying to help a tired mama but my son was on a feeding plan due to loosing too much birth weight so I had to monitor his intake very closely) even when I said no I was fine doing it myself she would wait until I was out of the room and proceed to change him. She once waited until I had popped out from my mams (DS was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him for the sake of a 10 minute trip to the shop) to then change my sons nappy, his clothes (apparently he’d wet through) and start to feed him. This was after I had already stopped her from changing his nappy before I left. When I got back, the way she spoke was to insinuate that if I’d have let her change DS when she’d wanted to that he wouldn’t have wet through and wouldn’t have needed changing and that when she put other clothes on him she hadn’t put a vest on because “he was hot anyway”. Any time she rings my mam and can hear my son in the background she comments “aw is THE BABY there” and if she is calling over my mams house will then ask “will THE BABY still be there?” “What’s the chances of you still having THE BABY” She never asks about me when she’s on the phone, never acknowledges DS by his name only “THE BABY” and now she doesn’t even acknowledge me when we’re both at my mams. She came to visit a few days ago and came in with some toys for DS (not age appropriate) ignored me and spoke directly to DS “look what I’ve brought for you” and then tried to take him from me, I told her I was just about to change his nappy and she persisted to try and take him from my arms stating. “Aw he can come for a bit”. She has zero respect for me as his mother which has shown by things she has done, including measuring DS’s length for the first time despite hearing me say me and DH were going to do it when he got home from work, and statements like “aw look I’ve bought him his first Xmas outfit” lots of “firsts” she wants to try and take from us.

AIBU to not want someone around my son who clearly has no respect for me or my boundaries ?

She sounds a bit unhinged TBH, so no you ANBU. Although I personally wouldn’t get two worked up about the buying of stuff, changing nappies would be a complete no no for me. Op, please don’t leave your son alone with this woman.

I agree with this 100%, if she wants to buy the baby clothes and presents then that’s fair enough, I can see why the comments about them being the baby’s ‘firsts’ would get to you especially since she’s making a bit point of it but it’s the nappy thing that’s concerning. If you’ve said DC doesn’t need changing and she’s doing it anyway that’s strange in my opinion, I wouldn’t leave the baby in a room alone with her let alone the house.

Your mums cousin? That's distant for her to be so full on. Strongly put her in her place. You are the advocate for your baby and you need to learn to stand up for him, as well as yourself. She's clearly batshit, treat her as such and firmly nip this in the bud. Don’t spare her feelings either. She's given no consideration to yours.

Just stop inviting her or going round your mums when she's there.

She sounds quite odd and too pushy. You need to be more assertive and your mum needs to be backing you up. Next time, when she starts again just simply say 'no thanks he's fine with me' and change the topic. He's your son and you don't need to feel awkward or pushed into handing him over by anyone or for anything. Also, try using a baby carrier to have baby 'on' you. It's a physical barrier and she'll look odd if she carries on pushing to hold him. Start speaking up and being firm but polite. She may be over excited and well intentioned but how it makes you feel is all that matters so put your big girl pants on and manage it

Alarm bells all over the place. It seems clear there's something not quite right with her interest in your child. Never applogise or make excuses for protecting your baby.

Your baby, your rules, end of discussion.

The buying of stuff doesn’t really bother me, however (and not to sound ungrateful) it’s not really things that DS can use/wear. Recently she bought him slippers sized for a 3yr old, he was 7 months.
She also keeps turning up with her son’s old toys (hes now 12) ones that are too old for DS to play with - small parts/choking hazards and doesn’t understand why I’ve politely declined them.

I don’t invite her, she has never been to my home (I moved 3 years ago and she doesn’t know where too - like I said we’re not close). I do try and avoid going to my mams when I know she’s there but it’s when she turns up when I’m already there. A few times I’ve just picked DS up and left but sometimes hes in the middle of food etc so I leave as soon as I can after.

How often is she at your mum's? Can't you just avoid going there when she's there? Tell your mum that she gets in your nerves and you're not keen on seeing her often. Then cut right back on contact. Can't mum come to you instead?

How old is she? Is she neurodivergent in any way which means she doesn’t understand boundaries? This is the only reason I can think of to explain her behaviour tbh. Does she struggle with her mental health? Has she had baby loss before that she could be traumatised by? The answers to these questions will only try to provide a reason and doesn’t really deal with the behaviour.

In future I would not leave him in your mums house if she’s there, don’t even leave them in a room together because she will not respect your boundaries. Anything she buys either don’t take from her, or give it back to her and say they’re not suitable and please can you stop buying things for your child. If she leaves stuff at your mums just take them to a charity shop. Don’t indulge her whatsoever.

She’s early 50’s, has two children in their 20’s and one who is 11. Not neurodivergent at all, just really doesn’t understand boundaries, as I said previously she’s even tried to take him from my arms when I’d literally just said I was about to change his nappy.
It’s as if she wants to be the first to do things or buy certain things for my son. She knows OH is very into his cars and so turned up at my mams with cars for DS just so she can say she got him his first cars and not his dad. At my wits end really.

Fucking hell @BoyMama1409!!! No no no no no! Her behaviour is completely and utterly disrespectful and weird.

Tell your Mum that you’ve had enough and you simply will not visit while she’s there and she is not to be let in when you are. She’s basically a randomer to you and you have to listen to your instincts. Her behaviour is way out of line. Make sure she never knows your address either.

Your Mum needs to support and back you up here. This is a special time for you and you don't need this kind of upset and anxiety. There are several reasons for this lady's behaviour. Possibly, suffering from menopausal anxiety, or trauma or loss of previous pregnancy. It's easy for her to be dismissed as 'batshit' but compassion may be a kinder alternative.

Omg I've literally just gone through this with an auntie. She was so over bearing and condescending with it all too, and she has no kids of her own yet thought she could tell me a few things about parenting. I lost it and gave her a peice of my mind, blocked her number and haven't seen her since. My baby is about to turn 6 months and she nagged me to death. You will go through this until the child is 18 so make a decision about whether or not you need her in your life. Maybe tell her to back off first and see if that helps. But honestly people like this don't change. No respect what so ever

The nappy changing and undressing without asking is scary. For that alone I'd tell your mum she is not to be around your baby. Your mum will understand.

Presents and wanting to hold is common and usually well intentioned and thoughtful, even if unsuitable. But undressing... changing.. Never.

Is she from Barry, and is your baby called Neil, because "Neil, THE BABY " was going through my head when I read this!

She sounds well-meaning but slightly loopy, so you need to put your foot down kindly but firmly with her. Is your mum on your side through all this, or does she think you should be kind to the afflicted?

Ps I feel for you and it gets easier. Just smack those boundaries down. 😂❤️

Surely just tell your mother to stop fucking telling her when you’re there and to not have her round when you are, or you won’t come round.

she sounds mental

@BoyMama1409 she sounds unhinged! Don't accept anything from her whatsoever into your home! What does your mum make of it all? Maybe she could have a word?

I've been through something similar to this and you 100% need to put boundaries in place. Baby comes with you each and every time you go anywhere. Gotta pee? Baby tags along. Making a snack? Baby is there. Invest in a carrier so he can easily go with you. She can't force herself on him if he isn't there. Also, I know it's hard, but "no" is a complete sentence.
Lastly, she can buy whatever she wants, but you don't have to use it. Donate everything to charity if you want. All firsts are for you and DH. You won't get this time back, so don't allow anyone to stomp all over your experience as anew parent.

The hilarity is she didn’t have much/anything to do with me until I was pregnant and now she wants to be all over DS. Tried the softly softly approach but it doesn’t work so next time she’ll be told straight.

What does your mother say?

She hasn’t been too well lately, which is why I think I’ve let things go on this long, so I haven’t really mentioned it much to her. She knows I’m not keen on her cousin being around my son and often will ignore her calls etc when I’m there which makes things a lot easier.

Is it some weird menopause thing where she knows she can't have anymore kids?!

It's very concerning when someone wants to undress and change your baby's nappies. It's more concerning when someone is told not to do it but does it anyway. It's even more concerning when someone does this when you've left the house. Her behaviour is in no way normal and smacks of being a paedo. She's ignoring your wishes and doing what she wants, she's already tested your boundaries. Her age, her being a relative, her not being well is no reason to let her away with this.

Explain your concerns to your mum and tell her this woman must not be let anywhere near either of you. That means your mum not answering the phone to her, opening the door to her or telling her she can't visit today, whatever it takes. If she is in your company again tell her straight out she is not allowed handle your baby, you don't need to give her any explanations, basically it's because you said so!

Refuse any gifts from her, if she comes to your house with them tell her she is not to come to your house again or buy anything for the baby as you will not be accepting it. Gifts and trying to take the place of parents for firsts is a form of grooming. Again, being a relative is no reason to pussy foot around her or 'be kind'. Your children's safety is always your first priority. Put your boundaries very firmly in place, put your foot down hard. There is a lot of years of protecting your child ahead of you, start getting used to it now!