AIBU to keep my son away from my mams cousin.

[BoyMama1409]

Long one so please stay with me. My son was born September 23 and almost instantly my mams cousin (who insists on referring to herself as Auntie when speaking to my son), who hadn’t had anything to do with me for a long time, was constantly on the phone asking about the baby. Any time she was at my mams and I was there she would ask to change his nappy and feed him (I know some might think she’s trying to help a tired mama but my son was on a feeding plan due to loosing too much birth weight so I had to monitor his intake very closely) even when I said no I was fine doing it myself she would wait until I was out of the room and proceed to change him. She once waited until I had popped out from my mams (DS was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him for the sake of a 10 minute trip to the shop) to then change my sons nappy, his clothes (apparently he’d wet through) and start to feed him. This was after I had already stopped her from changing his nappy before I left. When I got back, the way she spoke was to insinuate that if I’d have let her change DS when she’d wanted to that he wouldn’t have wet through and wouldn’t have needed changing and that when she put other clothes on him she hadn’t put a vest on because “he was hot anyway”. Any time she rings my mam and can hear my son in the background she comments “aw is THE BABY there” and if she is calling over my mams house will then ask “will THE BABY still be there?” “What’s the chances of you still having THE BABY” She never asks about me when she’s on the phone, never acknowledges DS by his name only “THE BABY” and now she doesn’t even acknowledge me when we’re both at my mams. She came to visit a few days ago and came in with some toys for DS (not age appropriate) ignored me and spoke directly to DS “look what I’ve brought for you” and then tried to take him from me, I told her I was just about to change his nappy and she persisted to try and take him from my arms stating. “Aw he can come for a bit”. She has zero respect for me as his mother which has shown by things she has done, including measuring DS’s length for the first time despite hearing me say me and DH were going to do it when he got home from work, and statements like “aw look I’ve bought him his first Xmas outfit” lots of “firsts” she wants to try and take from us.

AIBU to not want someone around my son who clearly has no respect for me or my boundaries ?

It sounds annoying but she will probably get bored of him as he gets older

@Cosmosforbreakfast , that is ridiculous

It is not.

In my experience the menopause does not cause you to behave ape shit crazy around other people's babies.

Seriously, get her telt! You need your mam on board with this, so tell her you don’t want cousin around ‘the baby’. If she turns up anyway, keep leaving asap. She sounds the type to attempt to take him out without you knowing. Very odd for someone who had nowt to do with you before you had him. Decline all ‘gifts’.

Sorry you are going through this @BoyMama1409. I had something similar with my BIL and his girlfriend when I first had my son. They were so overbearing and tried to treat my son like he was their own and I would avoid letting them hold him etc before finally getting my husband to say something.

I put their behaviour down to not having children of their own (although they fave my son over the other two children in the family but thats another story), so I’m surprised to hear your mum’s cousin has her own children!

I would say you need to say something to her directly as these types of people will just ignore subtle hints.

I'm probably the only one in here who would see your mum's cousin as a welcome break! None of my family have offered to change nappies because they don't want to. They don't want to buy things because things are expensive. If you and her have a bad relationship, then that's a different matter and I would feel uncomfortable with her approach. But if you've properly made up, I would think she's overly excited and pushy

OP has made it clear throughout this post/comments that this distant relative, has paid no attention to her during her life until she had her baby. There has been no relationship bad or otherwise to 'make up' and cause any excitement over.

We're talking about a woman who's 'gifts' to a 7 month old include a pair of slippers made to fit a 3 year old ! I'm sorry to hear you feel you're missing out because your family don't buy these kind of gifts for your children but your comment feels like you're trying to guilt trip BoyMama1409 into relenting and allowing the distant relative to overstep the boundries, which is a bit odd.
You're not the dreaded mam's cousin are you? 🤯

YANBU. Sensitive question OP but is she mentally challenged / have mental health issues / ASD at all?

No nothing at all, just doesn’t have any respect for my boundaries.

Haha no I'm not the cousin. I've since reread OP's posts and see I was definitely sleep deprived and annoyed when I read the post. Been awake since 5am with my twins and feeling like I would love a helping family member. This family member is clearly overstepping though

I think "paedo" is a bit strong, but also who on earth actually WANTS to change nappies? Especially for a kid that's not theirs or their grandchild?

Maybe she's gone through some kind of babyloss trauma. She makes me think of those people who obsess over reborn dolls.

She sounds dangerous I don't know why, I just keep away from her and speak straight,if it was me.

Sorry you've got no help from family members when you could do with some extra sleep or time to yourself 💕.... But.... This particular family member ain't the one you're looking for 😆

Take good care, I hope things become more tranquil for you xx

I never used to, have in the forefront of my mind, women being predatory towards little boys, until a friend of mine became a Children's Social Worker (now retired) and the things she's dealt with would make you feel murderous. There are times she dealt with contact of pedo mothers (more than I'd ever have imagined) some of whom tried to insist on dragging kids off cos they needed to "change his nappy" or "check he has his underwear on properly" and had to be told under no circumstances was that happening!
This has since unnerved me around any odd behaviour regardless of sex, whereas before this I may have brushed thoughts aside because it was a woman. Trust your instincts on this.

It hasn't happened to me yet, but I can see why someone would want to. It's just part of interacting with a cute little baby and taking care of it

Nobody 'wants' to change nappies. You do it as part of caring for your child, maybe at a push for someone else's child because they need you to do it, helping a new mother, babysitting, childcare workers do it as part of their job. Only someone who gets some sort of kick from changing dirty nappies 'wants' to.

YANBU at all I'd be exactly the same. I'd be so uncomfortable and angry if someone changed my little ones clothes/nappy after specifically telling them no. Major alarm bells. I'd absolutely be keeping my distance from this woman, it sounds like it might be a bit hard if she shows up at your mums unannounced. Can your mum have a word with her?

Is your mother thick or why does she allow this woman who behave like this? She is as out of line as this “cousin”. I wouldn’t bring my child over any more, simple as that.

Another vote here for just being blunt and setting firm boundaries, no it's or buts, just no. Even someone who you have a close relationship with shouldn't be ignoring you over your own baby, what have you got to lose by straight out telling her that she's to have nothing more to do with your son as she's ignored all boundaries so far. Her behaviour is weird and unnerving.

I dont think she is a paedo ,She sounds a little unhinged and over involved with the baby . If shes 50 ish , maybe shes menopausal . I would try to avoid her if possible . Can u ask mum to come to yours instead? Any presents she gives mum take to the Charity shop .

Those aren’t important firsts, they are just things people do.

Can you tell your mum the issue - feeling ignored and not respected. Arrange to see your mum and much less of aunt.

you could always just wear the baby.

She seems to be treating the baby like one of those dolly toys that pee and eat and nappy change and clothes change.

Regarding the gifts I would do the nodd and just acknowledge them but also say ' oh we will keep them at granny's/nanny's until he is old enough'
Bit mean on your mum possibly but may help your mum back you up. I've done this a bit when everyone in my family decided to buy weaning cutlery and untensles ( far to much to be used an not all the right stage for for DC).

Also don't feel bad if you take things to charity shop. I have also just really emphasised lots what DC favourite toy is ( and tried to explain why it's the right stage for dc)

Regarding nappies only me, DH and my mum have every changed my DC nappy. So keep sticking to your rules! And you may have to be firm! Some ppl just let there enthusiasm for Baby out weight all social intelligence.

And remember none of those firsts are proper firsts if it doesn't happen in your little family. I mean first proper car will be when he is old enough to know what a car is ect!! And will be ' the one' because baby's mum and dad were there to see it!! And that's the memory and story you will remember

Is “measuring a baby’s length” for the “first time” really a thing ?