To give my anxious 11yo a walkie talkie at bedtime?

[HippyKayYay]

We've been having various bedtime struggles with DC(11), for ever really. But at the moment it's long protracted saying goodnights, calling down after lights off, coming down, etc. No amount of tough love (I've tried it all) helps, in fact it makes things escalate quickly. Reassurance/ staying with them/ frequent check-ins after lights out does help. But that means we get no evening as adults as DC's light doesn't go out until 9.30 and often the post-lights-out fannying can last ages - even more so if we get frustrated/ cross/ hardline.

I think one of the root causes is a fear that we're not then when they can't hear us (living room is quite a long way from their bedroom, so they can't hear TV). I was just thinking that maybe giving them a walkie talkie so that they can do an occassional 'mum are you still there?' check in might help? Has anyone tried this with an older child that's anxious at bedtime? Or is it a terrible idea?

I just want my evenings back and for DC to not be so fretful at bedtime!

I haven't tried that but I think that desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus the upset of knowing that they are feeling anxious. I get why you would want to try it.

I hope it works and worth a shot. I have a v anxious teen (but this manifests itself in anxiety re school not home) and I have tried every strategy under the sun over the last 4 years.

I'd give it a shot. But you might then find that once they are reassured that you are downstairs- you might find that this is not actually the root cause of the anxiety and it might be replaced with something else. But I hope not.

Even if it only works for a short time then it's been worth it.

You haven't got long until you go back to having no evening to yourselves anyway as they'll start going to bed later than you want to in the next few years (currently battling with that one) so enjoy anything that works for now and I hope things improve for you all.

Sounds like a decent idea. I'd just reinstall the baby monitor and use that. That way she doesn't need to actually get hold of the walkue talkie to press a button, she can just speak. Unless she doesn't want you listening in to her every move. It's got to be worth a try anyway. I can't see a downside.

I might give it a go. I'm really struggling with the loss of evening since DC's bedtime shifted later about six months ago. We were still trying to get them to bed at 7.30 and it was becoming a total shit show. But now it's like having tiny babies again, but ones that just want to talk to you about Zelda/ football instead of breastfeed all evening.

Baby monitors were given away years ago! And I think they'd feel very self-conscious having one in their room when friends come over... But yes, essentially it's the same idea and that's what made me think of it because DC mentioned it at bedtime - remembering being able to talk to us when they were scared through the monitor

It could work. My DSS was struggling with nights and one if the things that seemed to help was putting a baby monitor in his room (camera one). He asked for it and it seemed to make him feel better knowing that we were able to see and hear him.

Get an Alexa? We have one in every room!

I think it's a great idea. I could have written your post. Our ds was like this till he was 14, came up and slept on an air bed by our bed every night, no sleepovers or school trips etc and we'd tried everything. Suddenly, age 14, it just stopped and he's now in his 20s, about to graduate, recently flew to Asia alone, very confident all round. So with the benefit of hindsight I think do anything that reassures him and he'll grow out of it sooner or later. It seems Iike a distant memory now for us now but it was very difficult at the time. Hope it resolves soon.

Maybe if they were 5, but at 11 I would not be pandering to them like that. What happens when you go out for the evening? Or go on holiday? Are you expected to take the walkie talkie with you and use it between hotel rooms? It could create bigger problems than it solves, in the long run.

I am not too sure about walkie talkies as they can be connected to different channels - there was something about someone who discovered that there was a man talking on her childs spiderman walkie talkies - they work on a frequency so it is possible to tune into a frequency nearby…I’d do a little bit of research just to double check but thought I’d pass it on - apologies for how poorly written that was! I should really be asleep!

Yes this happened to us on a campsite. Someone was swearing on the channel the kids walkie talkies were tuned into!

I would worry that it would feed into their anxiety and ultimately make it worse.
They may become reliant upon the walkie talkie and think they can't sleep without it.
What I would try instead which we did successfully with our son who was very similar is a gradual plan written with their input.
Something like this.. (yes, time consuming initially but worth it in the end)
week one, stay in bed with parent checking on them every 2 minutes. At the end of the week if they have done this then they get a treat such as extra tv time, bake some cupcakes etc.
week two, stay in bed with parent checking every 5 minutes, then a treat if successful.
Working up to staying in bed with parent calling up stairs to them every half an hour, then once then just stay in bed.
Make it as gradual as they need.
Also try to talk about what it is that they are scared of.
Good luck

You need an Alexa in your living room and one in the child’s room, you can drop in to speak to each other, and maybe also use it for calming podcasts.

@StripedTomatoes

Are you expected to take the walkie talkie with you and use it between hotel rooms?

Why would her child be in a different room?

I wouldn't do that, just keep going back every 5 minutes, like when you have a toddler. Poor thing, hope things all settle down soon.

I think it’s a great idea and is also a fun/cool gadget for a child that age to have during the daytime or when a friend comes over. Do it! I really hope it work as it sounds very stressful all round.

Why would you choose to allow Amazon (including some of their workers) to listen to your child when they are scared and vulnerable? They deserve privacy.

Wasn't 7.30 a little early for an 11 year old?

You say that you've had this problem 'forever really' maybe you were sending him/her upstairs a bit too keenly!

I know you want an adult evening, didn't we all, but have you tried them staying up until their tired and wanting to go to bed?

No to walkie talkies as the channels aren’t secure. Friend’s kid was picking up the builders 2 doors down talking in Polish on his, anyone can get on it, and that’s not only unsafe but bound to heighten anxiety if he hears a strange voice through it. I’d get Alexas instead, there’s a kids one without a screen that would be perfect for his room, then just a normal one in the living room and maybe also your room.

8pm even us early for lights out for an 11 year old. They're almost high school if not already. Make them go upstairs yes, but maybe make it so lights out at 9.30 if that's the time they're feeling?
Are they tired in the morning and is that an issue, or is it just that you want adult night?

Also this! 7.30 is my 3YO’s bedtime. My almost 7YO goes to bed at 9 and wakes up at 7. Their sleep needs do decrease as they get older.

You don't say "why" you think your DC is so anxious at bedtime? It's pretty unusual for an 11 year old to be worried about not being able to hear her parents that she knows are in the house.

What time does she get up in the morning and is she rested with going to bed at 9.30pm? As a random outsider it sounds like she'not actually tired and is therefore fighting against the early bedtime. The fact you were recently putting her to bed at 7.30pm suggests this even more strongly. Is she going to bed at that time for her benefit or yours?

I'd personally suggest moving to a later bedtime of maybe 9pm, but saying to her that the hour before hand is quiet time - so it's fine for her to read or do crafts or something else restful (not screen based) in her room or maybe (perhaps restrict evenings) sit and watch TV with you without lots of chatting but the pay off for giving her an later bedtime is that she respects these "rules" and goes to bed without complaining. If you make downstairs comparatively dull, chances are she may start choosing to go to her room on at least some evenings.

One of mine plays audiobooks over his echo dot to help settle himself

If he is that bad I'd even consider a TV. Friends dc used to watch nature documentaries going to sleep - weird but it worked.

A wallow talkie is enforcing the idea that they should be worried and need to check.

I'd steer well clear of that and focus on them
being relaxed and winding down before bed.

My 11 year old start getting ready around 8.30 for bed as he still likes being read to. So usually we start reading at 8.45 until 9.30 then lights out.

I think it’s a great idea. Try it and see!