To give my anxious 11yo a walkie talkie at bedtime?

[HippyKayYay]

We've been having various bedtime struggles with DC(11), for ever really. But at the moment it's long protracted saying goodnights, calling down after lights off, coming down, etc. No amount of tough love (I've tried it all) helps, in fact it makes things escalate quickly. Reassurance/ staying with them/ frequent check-ins after lights out does help. But that means we get no evening as adults as DC's light doesn't go out until 9.30 and often the post-lights-out fannying can last ages - even more so if we get frustrated/ cross/ hardline.

I think one of the root causes is a fear that we're not then when they can't hear us (living room is quite a long way from their bedroom, so they can't hear TV). I was just thinking that maybe giving them a walkie talkie so that they can do an occassional 'mum are you still there?' check in might help? Has anyone tried this with an older child that's anxious at bedtime? Or is it a terrible idea?

I just want my evenings back and for DC to not be so fretful at bedtime!

As others have said, an Alexa would have multiple benefits in this situation. You can use it as an intercom if you have one downstairs as well, and she could listen to music or audiobooks etc as well.

I struggled terribly with my sleep when I was a kid (undiagnosed adhd!) and bedtimes were like torture - by far and away the loneliest and most miserable aspect of my childhood. My parents knew that I struggled but they had no idea how much. What I have understood as an adult is that I really struggle to sleep in a silent room...I need some sort of background noise to help me tune out the noise that's in my head. Might be worth seeing whether this might be a factor?

Like others have said, 7.30 is very early for an 11 year old to be expected to sleep.

I totally get wanting your peace on an evening but it does decrease as they get older sadly! I have a 12.5yr old.

Is there a programme you both like to watch? Son likes police documentaries/interceptors etc. You could put an episode of something on at 7-7.30, snuggle up and watch together for an hour then they go to bed at 8.30. Do they like to read? Draw? Let them do a quiet activity in bed until 9, then you go back up and say goodnight.

While a walkie talkie is a good idea on paper, I would worry they’d get reliant on it, plus other issues as raised re hearing other voices.

At that age they really shouldn't be so worried about not being right by mum & dad. Other kids this age are happily off on school residentials (does she manage those?)

Is there SEN at work here, or is there some cause/trigger for the anxiety that you can work on?

Id be a bit wary that you are feeding the fear, confirming that she does need to be able to talk directly to you etc. She needs to experience going to sleep without you & learn that its okay, and nothing bad happens and learn from that that she is safe at home in her room & her bed

Agreed 7.30 is too early. My 7 year old is lights out at 7.45, 8pm on friday and saturday night!

I’d go with an Alexa too. That way they could also play relaxing music if they wanted. They’re at full price at the moment but they often have half price sales or you can pick older ones up on Markeyplace cheaply.

I agree @Pin0cchio .

Having had an anxious child I understand your frustration. Mine boy was adopted by us and whilst with his BM had frequently been left indoors alone, overnight in his cot. So even though he couldn't actually remember being left alone, that level of fear and anxiety about night time, being left etc., has stayed and can still flare up even now he is early 20s. Deep rooted anxiety is hard to overcome.

We tried a whole host of things. Some worked for short periods. I think at that age it was a CD player with story CDs. I would stay and chat as he was snuggling down, then I would put the story CD on. To start with I stayed until DS had fallen asleep, but after a few nights I was able to start leaving the room earlier.

My 11yo still has the baby monitor.

It's just a cheap sound only one.

But her bedroom is on a different floor to us. (Townhouse) She will never get out of bed and come to us, always stays in bed and calls and she's not got a particularly loud voice!

We don't like the thought of not hearing her. She doesn't like the thought of not being heard.

Saves us a lot of up and down the stairs too as can chat over it.

Do what works for you and your family. It's won't be forever.

I agree with others maybe 7.30 is a little early, and she simply isn’t tired when she goes to bed and then gets over tired with the frustration.

my daughter was anxious when she was a similar age new house and she was further away from us so she had the baby monitor reinstated which helped, then we moved to a string, she had one end and I had the other so when she pulled it I could pull it back. That worked well for a couple of weeks but she preferred the monitor. In this day and age I would get Alexa but be careful about conversing, just a ping or one word reassurance is all you need

Also agreeing about the 7:30!

Mine gets in bed at 8:45ish and reads for half an hour or so. Then is asleep pretty much instantly.

Thanks for all the replies.

DC isn't going to bed at 7.30 anymore, so no worries there. They are going upstairs around 8ish, quiet activities in bedroom (they like to draw, do crafts), then into bed around 9ish with lights out at 9.30. At which point the fannying/ fussing begins.

They struggle to drop off to sleep. Always have done. We suspect ADHD (not just because of this) and are on the waiting list for an assessment. Have tried meditation/ mindfulness/ sleepy music and it doesn't help. They're up for audiobooks in theory, but never actually want it on when the time comes.

They are fine on sleepovers, residentials and otherwise confident and outgoing. They just don't like it when it's quiet at night and they can't hear us.

Divided opinions on walkie talkies! They have an Alexa in their room, but we don't have one downstairs. I guess we could get one to connect to the upstairs ones, but like a PP I'm reticent due to the data-harvesting. Frequent checking in with gradual withdrawal... Yes, I've done that in the past and it's worked quite well. I just can't be arsed to be up and down the stairs every 5 minutes. But maybe I need to summon up the energy for that (again).

Just to say that I don't consider myself to be an expert on child-rearing and how to get them to go sleep; for info I'm a mother of two sons and grandmother of two teenagers, and was far from the perfect mother!

But why does your 11-year old go to his room at 8 to then do drawing and crafts for an hour when he could do this downstairs - I don't understand this banishment upstairs. Can't these activities be done downstairs?

You say you are 'struggling with the loss of evening' but what is it you want to do, that a child of that age would interfere with?

He won't go to sleep until he's tired!

What happens at weekends and school holidays?

It’s worth a shot but I think that the hour in his room could be feeding his anxiety as he knows that bedtime is coming.

Hmmm. Well, they're not 'banished' to their room. We're upstairs at that point too as they have a younger sibling that is still read to at bedtime, who goes up at about 7.45/8. The other night DC1 and I did stay downstairs together longer (watching TV together) and that night bedtime was the biggest shitshow it had been for ages. So I don't think it's about being upstairs or downstairs! Plus, they quite like the winding down time in their bedroom, all their craft/art stuff is up there, etc. They also really need the wind-down time. Otherwise their brain is too 'on' to even start getting ready for bed.

What I want to do is hang out with DH, talk about stuff I don't want the kids to be constantly asking 'what are you talking about? Who said that? What's going on', watch Baby Reindeer shit on Netflix that isn't suitable for them to see or overhear, etc. Basically, I just want some downtime when I'm not either working or parenting or doing life admin.

My 11 year old chills with me most nights. She's usually not had a shower by 9. He will be in secondary school soon you need to treat him like an 11 year old.

11? As in secondary school age?

Just shut the door and don't worry about their post-lights out fannying about (we didn't have 'lights out' once mine were secondary age).

Ask them to text them if they need you.

Honestly, this reads more like you wanting to keep them a baby than anything else.

Yeah, no, you have a pre teen. This is a transition stage where you have to begin to incorporate them and their increasing age into your life in the evenings.

Year 6, not secondary

Secondary age is what I said.

My oldest turned 11 2 weeks before she started secondary school.

Your child isn't a baby.

You could use echo dots with the drop in feature activated.

So when do you watch Baby Reindeer? Or anything else that’s unsuitable for 11 year olds?

Also, what time do your just-11-year olds go to sleep then??? DC needs to be up for school about 7.45.

I was definitely in bed with lights off by 9.30 when I was their age about a hundred years ago but I had to be up at 6.30am

‘Text me if they’ve got a problem’??? That’s bonkers! Anyway, they don’t have a phone and if they did it definitely wouldn’t be in their bedroom with them at night.

Get a walkie talkie then.

As they transition to secondary school.

Basically like sending your kids to reception in nappies but you do you.

If they come into the room just pause it and chat to them.

God they need a phone. Don't they play Roblox?