To give my anxious 11yo a walkie talkie at bedtime?

[HippyKayYay]

We've been having various bedtime struggles with DC(11), for ever really. But at the moment it's long protracted saying goodnights, calling down after lights off, coming down, etc. No amount of tough love (I've tried it all) helps, in fact it makes things escalate quickly. Reassurance/ staying with them/ frequent check-ins after lights out does help. But that means we get no evening as adults as DC's light doesn't go out until 9.30 and often the post-lights-out fannying can last ages - even more so if we get frustrated/ cross/ hardline.

I think one of the root causes is a fear that we're not then when they can't hear us (living room is quite a long way from their bedroom, so they can't hear TV). I was just thinking that maybe giving them a walkie talkie so that they can do an occassional 'mum are you still there?' check in might help? Has anyone tried this with an older child that's anxious at bedtime? Or is it a terrible idea?

I just want my evenings back and for DC to not be so fretful at bedtime!

I don't think k a walkie talkie or a baby monitor is the answer. Getting in special equipment does seem like reinforcing the idea that it's OK to be scared in your own home. I think if you got another Alexa for downstairs that would be different as she already has one.

I do think she needs to be incorporated into your evenings more. Either doing her crafts downstairs or by watching tv with you between your younger child's bedtime and her own. This in between stage does not last for ever. It's like all the other difficult bits like potty training or swimming lessons.

Let her potter about downstairs with you and your dh then it's bedtime and she goes to bed. Tell her that's when you and your husband get to watch Baby Reindeer.

Ds used to listen to white noise via his alexa. He used to enjoy telling alexa he couldn’t sleep and it would offer him jungle sounds/ gentle thunder/rain etc

I think the walkie talkie is a simple fix and will give some low-effort reassurance.

They don't need a phone. There is more to life than playing Roblox!

Don't put him to bed at 7.30 that's ridiculous at 11 yrs old.
Ds 10 goes up around 8.30 9.
He plays or watches tv for a couple.of hours in his room in the evening so we watch adult series then.
He probably isn't tired enough to settle that early.

If you suspect adhd, then bedtimes may well be a real struggle for her. They were like torture for me, and I did things very differently with my own dc.

I totally get that she needs time to wind down before bed, but I'm less than convinced that doing this on her own is helpful, especially if she is already quite anxious about bedtimes.

While you might want loads of chill time with your DH in the evenings, I think maybe you just need to accept that you won't get as much of it in these tween years. Can't you all do something together in that wind down time, a jigsaw puzzle or something? It might reduce her anxiety and help her to get off more quickly when she does finally get to bed.

At the moment, I'm afraid it really does seem like you're banishing her so that you can have your adult evening and watch the programmes that you want to watch etc. She will almost certainly be picking up on that, and that will be feeding her anxiety.

What time do you go to bed? Can't you spend time as a family until she goes to bed and then watch whatever you want to watch after 9.30ish?

We used walkie talkies for our dd for bedtime when she was 8 yr old and going through an anxious phase. It did work and she no longer needs them.
There was some interference on the line occasionally, crackling and occasionally some indistinguishable chatter so if you already have an Alexa that might work better. We didn't. I have no experience with Alexa so can't compare.

Sorry to break it to you but you've got to the age where you have to grab "adult time" where you can. If you want to watch unsuitable films, you might heavily suggest they head to their room and stay there, but you can't do that every night. In a few years they will be going to be later than you and then you really won't have any time to yourself.

You've mentioned your younger child and reading at bedtime. We still had "reading at bedtime" at this age with our DC. It wasn't always reading (although sometimes it was and sometimes they read with us) - quite often it was just general chat about what was going on with them and their lives or things that were happening in the wider world - basically it was dedicated 1:1 time every day (or most days). I wonder if your introduced something like this it might reconcile your DC to being on their own later on?

I think she's playing you if she's ok on sleepovers etc. I'd move bedtime to 9 o'clock, then when in bed she can do what she likes, books, music, puzzle books etc. I wouldn't insist on lights off. She may just need less sleep than most children, I always did.

They just don't like it when it's quiet at night and they can't hear us.

If it doesn't upset the younger one's sleep, could you alter things so they can hear you a bit more?

Does it make a difference if the doors are open/closed? Or could you sit elsewhere so you can be heard a bit? Turn the television up slightly? Put a radio on the landing, and thump around a bit near the door to upstairs occasionally? Do a bit of late-evening vacuuming?

I do think an audiobook might be an eventual answer though, I listened to a lot of Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter at university if I was struggling to sleep!

I think the walkie-talkie/Alexa could be worth a go though. Or I think you can get lamps or vibrating bracelets that when you touch one the linked one changes colour, or vibrates too. But that might be an expensive solution to a short-term problem.

On sleepovers etc they aren't by themselves though? It's probably the separation that they are struggling with.

I did this with my DS, admittedly a bit younger but it massively helped. His was a pretty basic one so wouldn't have picked up conversations from other houses - and of course I had the other one so would also have heard!

Do it - hugely helped my DS... sorry, I've not had a chance to RTFT, just your OP but it really resonated with me!

Lamps

So they could tap it and yours would light up, and you could tap yours to send a different colour back. You could even build in a code so if they wanted you to go up they could send a red light for example.

Its a tech-y solution, but maybe preferable to going up the stairs every 10 mins?