To just be waiting to eventually die?

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

Just that really.
Everything else in between is a bit crap!

Have you looked in to reducing your hours and seeing if you can claim UC? You may not increase your finances but it might work out a similar amount. If so it would give you more time with your daughter and maybe time and space to do things that you enjoy. Also, try looking for work outside of schools. There are many, probably more fulfilling roles that an experienced teacher would be an asset in. I'm not underestimating how you feel, it sounds like you've had an awful time, especially losing full custody of your sons, but things can change and life can become joyous again.

I have felt like you.life is often unfair.the Samaritsns are very kind and avaliable 24 7 .for help a d support. I think it's OK to feel like this sometimes but not all the time. Can u do tutoring maybe or maybe pt if possible. It seems tragic not to use tour skills

Op I'm sad to read this.

I'm mother to a SEND child with no school place. It's cost me my job my relationship and the respect of society now I rely on benefits. Every day is relentless and hard. I cannot improve my situation no matter what I do as my child is not at school because no schools exist for SEND kids like him. It's the powerlessness for me, the relentless hard work with no change or change to feel better. I'd rather be dead than live my life but I have dependants who need me so I suck it up.

The state of schools, health care. Publicly funded services. Availability of resources. I think many many people are struggling with the impact on their lives

@Hellodarknessmyfriend what @Ilovelurchers said is so true.

I hope you find the strength to go to your interview today; Good luck! It's a real achievement even getting one these days.

You seem very hard on yourself. You and your husband are working; low-paid jobs does not mean they are not valued. Not owning a house is very normal today, people who have managed to get on the ladder have been very lucky. You were certainly abused, actual 'hitting' is a very small part of domestic violence. You did the right thing in leaving. I imagine your children love you very much, even if it's hard to see sometimes.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other; just do one thing that makes you smile. Give the people you love a big smoochy hug and kiss. You will get there!

OP have you tried calling Mindline? You can call every day if you need to. No judgement, just a listening ear, you can say anything you’re feeling without it going anywhere. They can sometimes offer a course of counselling at a low cost.

Do you have a garden or a balcony?

This weekend, could you take your 3 year old out for a hot chocolate. Sit in the park and drink it. Play on the swings. Use the take out cups to plant some seeds. Sunflowers are good. Or sweet peas.

I find not thinking better at times. Task based things. Nothing too complicated.

It takes time to get out of the well.

Get on supply. They very often keep you on afterwards. However... please take this in the way it's intended.

I am a former head. Its not age that goes against you honestly. Experience counts

What does go against is a lack of enthusiasm and innovation. Are you doing interview lessons the same as you've always done or are you doing something a bit different and engaging yet showing progression

Teaching is the hardest job ever. If you appear to be lacking enthusiasm and robust mental attitude that is why you aren't getting jobs. Not your age. Very difficult when you have depression.

I'm sorry for the loss of your spouse. My dad is in his 70s and lost my mum. I know it has been so hard for him. I'd be very happy to direct message with you if you would like to at any time.

I'm 34 and don't feel life is worth carrying on for. But I am going to try. No matter our age we still are of use in this world.

OP I would suggest going to see your GP.

I had a really bad episode last September and felt like I did not want to live anymore. What helped me was:

-going to see the GP and being prescribed Citalopram. If you don't react well to one type of meds then the GP can work with you to try another and adjust the dosage
-being under the care of the Crisis Team for 2 weeks when I was at my worst and they really helped me
-going on the waiting list for counselling through the NHS and starting last month. I do one hour a week remotely after work so there is some flexibility. You also have charities like Mind that offer lower cost counselling.

The main point is I needed professional intervention to help me. I could not have done it on my own and they literally saved my life so please seek help.

I literally could not function anymore before I sought help and had made plans to end it all.

Now, a few months later i am feeling a bit better everyday and enjoying life again.

Maybe it is time to see the gp? Just to rule out some deficiencies and low thyroid.
I have few autoimmune illness, they make everything seem worse than they are. But after getting treatment for them I feel a lot better.
Job hunting and all those rejection can be brutal.

Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself. Check your physical health as they can make everything worse.

OP do you think I'm useless for not owning my own home, and also having to work full time as well as looking after my young children? Would you describe a friend as being useless for those things? If not, why do you feel the need to use that language for your self? You're worth so much more than that. Please seek out some support for your mental health.

You have 3 wonderful children, a loving husband, a home, you're well educated and currently have a job. Lots of things others are aspiring to have.

@Hellodarknessmyfriend how was the interview?

Once again I didn't get the job.

@Maddy70 They said my enthusiasm shone through and also my rapport with kids, but that my pitch and pace when teaching were a bit "off." Very impressed with how I interviewed.
So, in essence, I'm a shit teacher that nobody will touch with a bargepole!

@Beatrixslobber Went well but didn't get it. I'm just not a good enough teacher unfortunately.

Not shit.... your pitch and pace is a bit off. Something to work on

@Maddy70 Thing is, I teach a Y4 class so felt I pitched it low...turns out it was too high!! They couldn't do basic multiplication (mixed 3/4) and had no knowledge of any strategies eg grid method or partitioning. We're talking unable to do, for example, 7 x 6. Using any strategy.
They have been taught for a long time by an
"Unqualified" TA 2.5 days a week (now left) so could this explain gaps in knowledge maybe?

@Hellodarknessmyfriend

the state of schools right now is not your fault.

its not your fault they were unable to do it, it wasn't your lesson that was the problem here.

youll get a job when you find a school that can afford your pay grade. Have you applied to private schools, have you looked at private tutoring?

I'm in a different profession, but coming up with the same issues.

Around 1 in 3 households in the UK don't own their own home. Home ownership is skewed towards older people (who initially bought when house prices were cheaper) - only 25% of people who own their own home are aged 44 and under. It's so hard to own your own place with the price of houses compared to wages. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

Also, when I asked the Head for feedback she said you should contact the class teacher before you attend an interview and ask them to tell you specifically where the children are at in terms of their learning.
I've never known this done before?

I have depression and anxiety also and have suspected for a while I may have ADHD. I can relate to that. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone xx

Its standard to ask when you accept the interview for info on the class. Send . Levels etc and differentiate accordingly yes.

@Maddy70 Thank you. This must be a relatively new thing as it was never done that way years ago.
I've decided that mainstream is so broken and getting worse that I'm looking into the option of teaching in private education. There's a nearby independent school for children with ECHP that looks great, and I'd be bringing my SEMH specialism/experience of Pupil Referral Unit teaching to the table here.
It breaks my heart that this comes at a cost of up to £70k per year, but if I was a parent of a child with an EHCP and could afford it, I absolutely wouldn't think twice.

I am disabled bed bound most days and in constant pain. I cannot eat or drink and my gp has told me not to contact them about pain. My painkillers have been stopped due to drug addicts. Would someone like to tell me why I have to live.

@Pasithean I can't begin to imagine your pain x

When I felt hopeless Sertraline helped me find a way back to life.