To just be waiting to eventually die?

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

Just that really.
Everything else in between is a bit crap!

I can understand what you are saying. I've suffered with severe depression and a nervous breakdown and at points death seemed a very comforting option. I'd literally sit and tell myself it was all ok as I could just die and it would all be over and that would make me feel better. While it still doesn't scare me at all to die, my mental health has improved thankfully and I feel much more positive about life. Please seek some help OP x

No wonder you are feeling terrible with losing time with your sons. I don't think the male judges ordering 50:50 understand what they are doing. On the other hand most teenage boys tend to not spend time with their parents. They may well see you more over time. Think about all the good times you had when they were younger.

With your three year old try just giving time to her eg 10 minutes so you can have nice memories from her childhood. Many parents work full time now so you are not unusual.

Sounds like it's time to move on from teaching. Look up some websites for career change in your fifties including for ex-teachers

43 with a 3 yo and definitely peri!!
Tbh we don't have nice things really as hubby and I both on low wages. We don't even own own our own home we're that useless!
I have another interview tomorrow but thinking of withdrawing?

@user1471453601 it kinda sounds here like you're suggesting she kills herself?! I hope that's not what you mean.

It's not a choice to be depressed either if that's what you meant.

GOOD LUCK with your interview. Do your best, plan something nice for after even if it’s just a coffee with your book.

@Halfemptyhalfling Thank you. You are so right. My youngest was only 3 when courts ruled 50/50 so never really got much time. I still struggle to go in their bedrooms when they're not here because it's so incredibly painful. Even now.

@HcbSS I have to go to work both before and after 😢

OP you are dealing with a massive lot of horrible stress:
frustration in your career, not being allowed to do the job you want to do. I am a teacher and I know it kind of becomes you and honestly it is one of the few things that keeps me going through really difficult times - that sense of purpose and worth you get from it. I did struggle to find a job when I had to move at one point too, as I like you am UPS3 and very expensive

But I kept going to loads of interviews, kept losing out to NQTs, but in the end am glad I persevered because I found a school where my experience was actually valued and since being there have even gained a small promotion! And I love it.

But I did go through that period of wondering if I was a shit teacher and didn't deserve a job, and it did feel horrible.....

Then there is the stress of not seeing your boys - i know that's hard as I share access to my daughter too, and because I was the main breadwinner in our relationship and he did more care my husband has her more. Luckily I have a fantastic relationship with her and just treasure the time she is with me and make that really special. But certainly when she was younger it was very hard at times, I missed her so much and felt like a total failure as a mom. But you are not. Nor are you failing your 3 year old. Loads of moms work - you are working to provide for her - be proud of that. You are showing resilience in taking a job less well paid than what you could be doing rather than just giving up at that point and not working at all, which a lot of people would do.

You made absolutely the right choice to leave your first husband. Being made to sleep on the floor is disgusting abuse, and that sort of thing would probably kill you eventually (suicide) if you had to stay in it for decades.

At least you have your relationship with your lovely husband. I don't mean "what are you complaining about - you have a man so stop moaning". I mean it may be something you can focus more on when life seems really bleak.

You sound to me like a strong woman coping with a lot. Can I recommend HRT, as soon as possible - at least exploring with your GP whether it is suitable for you?

It's made my life a lot more easier to deal with, tho of course it doesn't solve everything.

Keep holding on. There will be better times ahead. It will be ok in the end - it always is - because if it's not ok it's not the end!

This may be a cliche, but if you have any time at all, take a daily walk and get outside. I have struggled off and on with depression for years, but just some walking every day helped me more than anything. I sleep better as more tired, my mind is clearer. I wish you all the very best with a difficult situation and hope your interview goes really well for you.

I feel like this every day tbh. I'm just waiting till they legalise euthanasia in this country.

Genius. I lost a brother in February because he just couldn't be bothered to live.
He left a pile of broken hearts but we couldn't help him. He wouldn't help himself. Sad to watch.

@Appalonia Sorry you are feeling similar 😞
Do you work? I'm not sure whether work is help or a hindrance for me currently.

I used to, but I gave it up to be a carer for my dad who had dementia. Just have nothing to live for any more and I'm so lonely and just tired.

@Appalonia That must be unimaginably difficult. What a selfless thing for you to do ❤️
Do you have any other family?

OP and Appalonia, I hear you both and understand, am chronically depressed and been on antidepressants for so many years, with little effect. I find life seriously difficult and every day a struggle, have a long list of issues to deal with, it’s a heavy load and not sure how long I can carry on fighting, it has been forever.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. I suffer the same feelings after so much abuse and stress in my life, that my future is just one huge mess. I couldn't afford the ongoing cost of counselling when the nhs failed me. Whilst my abusive ex had domestic abuse therapy thrown at him, which he used to excuse his behaviour and continue abusing me. Apparently he wasn't as bad as most of the men on his course and their partners supported them, so clearly I was at fault. The nhs continued to help him, whilst I had to sign up to waiting lists every few months to prove I needed help.
To the people advising going to the gp/nhs for help, have you any actual experience of attempting to get mental health support? It doesn't exist in any real way where I live, and I believe that is true across the country too. The 'help' I received was incompetent to the point of harmful and I wish I had been well enough at the time to put in a complaint but sadly most people they deal with are too vulnerable and these poor excuses for services get away with far too much substandard care. Don't judge people or give 'well meaning' advice if you don't understand the reality of what you are saying.

Feel like this sometimes as well op, but life is a gift keep repeating this we are here for a reason

Meaningful platitudes aren't very helpful in the face of severe depression either. They offer absolutely no comfort in the reality and grip of depression. They just guilt people into feeling they should be grateful for their life. If you can't understand how harmful that is to someone, who is already feeling worthless because everyone thinks that there are such a fundamental positive/grateful feelings to hold on to, then you need to stop offering it as the comforting solution. It is far more complex than just 'thinking' life is something to be grateful for. When life is or people are so overwhelming and there is no real life escape from it and people have no support then it is an absolutely devastating life to live.

If you get time for yourself Op what do you like to do? Or if you are struggling to do anything right now what would you like to do if you could just have an afternoon to yourself without the overwhelming thoughts?

I think that poster means even though we're all going to die we shouldn't sit around waiting for it but try and get the best out of it whilst we're here. I certainly don't think they were suggesting she opts out early...

Well, I feel very much as if I am in "God's waiting room". I'm in my late 70's, in poor health, my mobility is terrible, and my spouse died recently.

What is there to live for? Daytime television?

I'd be pleased if my number was called sooner rather than later.

I'm not going to tell you to be grateful for life. I think people need to be more interested in others, in a genuine way. Do you have anyone to talk to?
And I know from experience that isn't always a comforting solution. You have to find an empathetic soul. They are becoming rare. I'm 49 and I talk to my cat more than any human.
If you had anything you wanted to chat about I would like to listen . I think we have forgotten that life is far nicer if we have close, real and kind connections with each other.

@Hellodarknessmyfriend sorry, I fell asleep! I’m sorry to hear about your sons. That must be unbelievably tough! I’m not surprised that you feel so low.

Medication wise it really is worth trying some alternatives, I think I tried four before I found the one for me. Mitazipine saved my life tbh.

What is the interview for? Good luck!

@Hellodarknessmyfriend how are you feeling this morning?
Like a few others here I’ve felt this way several times in my life. It makes it feel almost impossible to actually change anything. The standard advice you get is to go to your GP or get counselling. While that can help, it doesn’t always and it’s not always possible.

It sounds like you’re having a really tough time so it’s understandable to feel the way you do. How did you want your life to be? Do you actually want to go back to teaching in a school?

You are absolutely not failing your DC for working either. Loads of Mum’s work and their kids do fine.

Two parents with dementia? You poor woman. No wonder you don’t feel too good. You are probably burned out. You need to take a break. If only there was someone to care for the carers. I usually find that the person who cares is left to do it all by themselves and that is a very tall order. I wish you well, Pample.