To just be waiting to eventually die?

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

Just that really.
Everything else in between is a bit crap!

@AngelQuartz I'm married, but wouldn't blame my husband for leaving me! Plenty of better and more successful options!! Thank you 💐

Oh God, I posted about this some time ago and I got that message too.

Thank you @Woodstocks. I had counselling but that is no longer an option. No money or time!

Speak for yourself. I’m over 50 and never had an issue getting a teaching job. Single parent to two very difficult SEN kids. I was treading water - I got myself some counselling and therapy - 4 years worth. Did loads of work on me - met an amazing man online and been dating a few months and very very happy.

@Hellodarknessmyfriend i understand. Me too. Im not suicidal, but only really feel like I need to outlive my parents as I worry about how they would cope without me. They both have dementia. If I get a couple of okay years after they die then that’s enough for me. I’m not depressed. I’ve suffered badly from depression before. I know this isn’t depression.

@labracadabras That's cool. It's because I'm a shit teacher.

I get this. My dh is amazing. If I could give him anything, I’d love to give him a life without me. I know that sounds dramatic 😁

I thought you said you lost your job?

Maybe Woodstocks is just trying to give the OP food for thought 🤔

I've had depression on and off for 20 years and have often felt this way. My advice is talk to someone about how your feeling and find something that brings you value or happiness. It could be something big or something small. But life is about the every day the small interactions and the people and things we love. It does have value and so do you.

Currently working as a hlta but trying to get back to teaching as struggling to pay rent etc.

Seconding this. Anti depressants can really lift your mood and help you to see things a bit differently. Make sure you open up the curtains every day, let the fresh air in and walk, walk, walk. Does the world of good x

I was on anti anxiety meds but they didn't solve the issues tbh.

So sorry you are feeling this awful OP. You ARE valuable and worthy. Life can be very tough and lonely in this world. Do you have any RL support?

I'm married but don't want to burden my hubby. Not fair on him. I'd rather deal with it alone.

Do you want to tell us about your sons? You don’t have to.

You should be able to access free counselling (although admittedly a limited amount) via your GP. Does your work offer anything?
Obviously that doesn’t solve the time issue.
What medication are you on and how long have you been on it? (Sorry for all of the questions).

Would you be able to try a different type?

I'm sure he'd rather know. You sound like you need more help than you can get on here. Sharing the birden is always better. And I'm sure there is a helpline for teachers mental wellbeing, maybe that could help too.

I've been there too. At my worst I couldn't even pick up the phone to my GP. I would not have actively taken my own life but I wished I would die every day. Eventually I managed to call my GP, and taking Sertraline has changed my life. I was literally crippled, with depression. I could barely speak. I was so good at masking too. Now I'm joyful every day to have my beautiful dog and cats. Just another day with them is a blessing. Still not too keen on the human species but can't win em all!

I remember feeling like that in my darkest days (years ago now). I felt as if I should encourage my husband to leave because there was no hope for me. But he stayed and was an absolute rock. I got through those feelings and I think you can too.

Thank you so much for caring.
I left my abusive ex-husband when my boys were just 3 and 6 but tbh that was very selfish of me. He didn't hit me. It was just things like curfews, sleeping on the floor etc.
Courts ruled 50/50 until kids were about 10 and 13. They are 14 and 16 now. Middle one I see every other Weds-Mon and eldest EOW.
I'm not their mum in reality.
I have a 3 yo with now husband but I've failed her as I have to work. Constantly worry I will lose her too.
I stopped taking anti-anxiety meds as awful side-effects. Can't take time off work for counselling as not permitted.

https://www.educationsupport.org.uk/
https://www.bbc.co.uk/teach/teacher-support/articles/z4g4scw

OP I totally understand what you’re saying. Yes there is a shortage of teachers. That doesn’t mean teachers can get jobs!

Firstly, teaching is so low paid considering the heavy workload. Many qualified teachers have to take other jobs which pay more, or which have a normal 40 hour week. It feels like a total waste of qualifications and vocation, and it can be very depressing.

Secondly, schools are under financial pressure so they only want to employ young cheap teachers. They won’t even consider someone with experience because you’ve climbed too far up the pay scale and they can’t afford to pay that much. They will literally sit there and go - we need a teacher, and you need a job, but we can’t afford to pay the amount we’d have to pay you. So older teachers can’t get jobs and it’s incredibly depressing.

Have you looked at teaching at an online school?

Sometimes immediate family aren't the best people, for that reason. We fear losing them, pushing the away etc.
Is it mainly work making you feel rubbish. Not sure of your age but could menopause be a factor? I know people who felt rubbish during this time.
You have TOTALLY NOT failed your child because you work. If anything, it's the opposite, you are doing her a massive service. She will look at you and see a glowing example, that money and nice things come as a result of hard work, that family time is cherished and valued, that women are just as strong and hardworking as men, and can do everything they do.